Peterson Toscano's A Musing

I have a gig in Oxfordshire, England the weekend of September 23-25, 2005. I will most likely be in the UK for up to two weeks and am currently looking for other venues where I can perform or present performace pieces and talks. I sent e-mails to all the MCC gay church groups in England. What I need to find are contacts at universities. If you have any or any other venue suggestions, please email me . Thanks!

Pendle Hill Garden Originally uploaded by p2son . While at the national FGC Quaker Gathering in Blacksburg, VA, I met Jimmy Pryor, a Houston, TX based podcaster, who regularly posts interviews on his Quaker Voices site. Jimmy, with his precious Texan accent, interviewed me the last night of the conference. In it I talk about the "ex-gay" movement (no surprise there), my spiritual journey, A trip to Focus on the Family, the anti-gay movement in Nazi Germany and my theater work. He also recorded me performing my Identity Monologue , where through five characters in two minutes I tell my life story. Jimmy is looking for other Quaker voices to interview. If you have any ideas, let me know and I'll pass them on.

I get loads of letters from people telling me that I am going to hell and that I need to repent from my evil gay ways. Blogger Jason Kuznicki crafted a stunning response inserting photos from his and his partner's life together along with the text of the letter. Check out How Not to Make Me Ex-Gay .

spring growth Originally uploaded by p2son . Tender flower They crushed you They slammed your body; they bore into your soul Tender flower They chanted, “You are crazy” They silenced you with terror and with doubts Tender flower They thought they had finished you. Or they stopped thinking about you altogether Tender flower They could never imagine Nor could they ever recognize The rooted beautiful tree you have become.

Fashion Activism Originally uploaded by p2son . On Mackinaw island in Northern MI, where cars are prohibited and only people of color serve you your dinner, I ventured by ferry with a group of progressive queers to the Grand Hotel for dinner and to present my piece Talkin' Trash in the Homo No Mo Halfway House . Last week in an e-mail the queer non-profit sponsoring the event informed us, Men are required to wear a coat and tie and women a dress or pant suit. Okay, that pissed me off. Boys dress like this and girls dress like that. Whose rules do we follow? So on Saturday I bought a skirt that went beautifully with my Zegna summer weight charcoal gray suit. Gender Queer , I marched through the dinning room, a living performance art piece. The racial/class divide in the room grieved me. (Knowing too that my own white male privilege enabled me to take these steps). Time constraints kept me from doing my prepared prsentation, instead I spoke about the power of telling ou...

Willie Hewes recently posted excerpts from "Ex-gay" Testimonies in which one after another, "fomer" homosexuals admit that they never really changed. I have linked to the source of every one of these testimonies, so you can read them yourself. Some of these people are and remain religious, some are not. Some still struggle with their homosexuality, others have accepted it. All admit: we never really changed. Also, check out the NY Times article about Love in Action. You can read about it at Ol Cranky's Disenchanted Forest Salon.com has a piece by Mark Benjamin, but I haven't read it yet (too cheap to get my own subscription).

Daniel Gonzales at Exgay Watch wrote a review of Tom Murray's Fish Can't Fly , which made me realize that I never blogged about the premiere of this flim and with my parents coming to see it and all. Must get around to that. Tom Murray has a sensitve and thoughtful eye and heart that comes through in the way he films his subjects (and I don't just say that because I was in the film!) It will play next in San Francisco then it's off to Memphis. Check out the screening schedule to see if it is coming to a venue near you or just buy the DVD.

Okay, on Thursday after four hours at the airport, I got a flight to Detroit but arrived too late for my connector flight leaving me in Detroit during the All Star Game with no rooms in the inns, hotels, motels or hell holes. Through a gig at a conference last year, I still had the number of a artist in the Detroit area. I called him up and not only had a lovely place to stay, but the next morning we sat still for awhile then had a session where we affirmed eachs other's work as artists and activists. It was a special time that gave me the spiritual lift I really needed. Now in Harbor Springs, MI with the Point Foundation scholars I am continually moved to tears and applause as I hear their stories of overcoming genuine adversity and their willingness to overcome. They refuse to remain victims, and many of them will rock this world. I'll write more about them early next week.

Double self portrait at BDL Originally uploaded by p2son . Yep, my flight is delayed. I have been on dozens of delayed and cancelled flights in my life, and it always puts me in a good mood. I somehow feel that real time doesn't count when I travel. Once I put my life into the hands of ticket agents, flight attendents, train conductors and taxi drivers, I give up time as I know it. If I like it or not, it becomes all about the journey, because it seems like I will NEVER arrive at my destination. Great way to meet folks, catch up on people watching, chat with friends on the cell phone and eat junk food. And if they have wireless (like they here do at Bradley Airport near Hartford, CT, well, this is a vacation in itself. Off to Northern Michigan for The Point Foundation retreat where I will perform Queer 101 and Talkin' Trash in the Homo No Mo Halfway House , a talk about language and oppression in the "ex-gay" movement. The Point Foundation is awesome. They...

I can't shake my anger right now. Even Jesus got pissed off every now an then (that whole pulling out a whip and driving out the money changers from the temple thing). I think about the extreme care gay rights activists went to in Memphis to protect the identity of Zach and his family, and then his dad goes public. I am not the only one upset about this. You can read about it in blogsville. Ol Cranky at Disenchanted Forest writes about potential insurance fraud at Love in Action. In his on-going careful telling of this tale Bruce Garrett weighs in too. EJ in Memphis, TN, who has been with this story since the beginning, writes about Zach's dad being a Model for Irresponible Memphis-based Queer Action Coaltion (QAC) provides links to Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) along with an e-mail they had received from a CBN reporter working on the story. Terrance at Gay Spirutality & Culture also provides link to an Agape news story about Zach's dad's comments. Brady...

I read LJ's account of the Love in Action open meeting. Apparently for certian meetings anyone can come and sit in on a therapy session with the Love in Action/Refuge client. OUTRAGEOUS! I remember when I was in the program; we were constantly protected from outsiders. None of our meetings were open except twice a year for the Family and Friends Shame Fest, um Weekend, but that was by invitation only. Dear Mom & Dad, You are cordially invited to watch me spill my guts in front of you and tell the most shaming, personal stories of my sexual history. You will be coached on how to respond so that I will be appropriately scared straight. Can't wait to see you. Tissues will be provided, but please bring your own Bibles so you can personally bash our brains out. Never would we have imagined having an OPEN meeting. Is that even ethical? I guess if you don't run a licensed facility and you shield yourself with the Bible and church sanctioned legitimacy, then you can get away ...

I hated Saturdays at the Love in Action residential "ex-gay" facility. This was our "free"day. Free except for our chores and for "fun rap" when we had to play football or some other inane activity. Living in a Christian residence we each had to take turns doing various chores. My least favorite was mowing the lawn. Think of it, mowing the lawn in Memphis in the summer. Yuck. Although we were forbidden to go topless or even bare our upper arms in the program, we could wear sleeveless tee shirts (or "wife beaters") when we mowed the lawn. Other chores included grocery shopping (my favorite--it got me out of the house), cleaning the kitchen and the great room (it really wasn't that great.) We also cleaned our bedrooms and bathrooms. My all time favorite job was raking leaves. We piled the leaves up into giant mounds then dove into them. Kids again, a momentary escape from the madness of dehomosexualization.

Today I read two excellent posts about Love in Action and why their gay reparative therapy harms youth. The Queer Action Coalition outlines the details behind the current TN state investigation of LIA. Willie Hewes responds to an e-mail from LIA director, John Smid. Thoughtful, rational and intelligent, Willie Hewes speaks to the heart of the issue.

She squeezes into the plane seat, sweating and out of breath, chewing spearmint gum. Spearmint reminds her of the dock. Age 13, slathered with coconut scented tanning lotion with her slender body, she still felt whole then. Normal. Allie introduced her to spearmint gum, Allie who listened to punk rock and smoked once in awhile. Cool, edgy Allie. She felt accepted with Allie, sometimes even happy with herself. She lost that self-loving feeling in the 9th grade, and now, an adult, encased in fat, self-doubt and shame, she flies to Stockton to stand over her father as he dies smelling of cigarettes and urine. More spearmint. Chew away the darkness, the sad madness, and the horror of making normal look angelic with death always tempting her. Rather than visit her dad alone, she contacted Allie. She hadn't seen her since graduation and barely spoke since, but she needed an anchor, even one she had once pushed away. Allie, now a nurse practioner, a single mom, offered to let her stay at ...

Escape Originally uploaded by p2son . Home at last! Been on the road since June 21. Survived the airports, the high gas prices, the crappy fast food, and the dinosaurs. Since I left, my mail piled up, and my kitchen got removed. Long story, but I do have more wall space to decorate but no more stove, sink or frig. Now the question is how do I live without a kitchen? I've been thinking about my Ecological Footprint . I took the test and got a 22 which means that if everyone lived like I did, we would need 5 planet earths to sustain us all. And I thought I was doing well. I am a vegan. I walk when I can. I don't own a TV or microwave or dishwasher. I recycle (well, sometimes) and compost (kinda). Well, I am seriously considering living without a car. Since I live in a city with some public transit, it would not be impossible. I'd save money on gas and burn off those fast food calories. Ah, but how will I ever outrun those pesky dinosaurs?

Eyes Wide Open sign Originally uploaded by p2son .

Eyes Wide Open Originally uploaded by p2son . I did not expect to cry. I knew how it worked. The American Friends Service Committee sets up boots on the ground with the names and ages of the soliders tagged onto them. Each pair represents an American soldier killed in the Iraq War. 1,751 pairs of boots. 3,000 shoes to represent the over 100,000 Iraqi children, women and men killed through the conflict. (sponsored by the Sept 11 Families for a Peaceful Tomorrow ) Also, boots representing soldiers from other countries killed in Iraq. Over 5000 pairs in total. And the count rises daily. Eyes Wide Open , an exhibition on the human cost of the Iraq War, exposes the tragedy of this war of terrorism. The American Friends Service Committee's Chicago office started the display over a year ago with 504 pairs of boots. They now need a large moving truck to haul the boots and shoes from place to place. I resolved not to cry, but then, off to the side, I saw a display about soldiers ...

The Blue Voice , a reliable source for well-written, thoughtful progressive pieces, recently posted Gay Parenting vs. Xtian Parenting . In it they introduce us two gay dads of another young man named Zach. Tim and Bill Matheson, who have been together for over 25 years, raised Zach since he was born and his mother gave him up for adoption. Zach says, "My family is pretty normal. I feel that I'm more tolerant of differences people might have, as opposed to someone with a mom and a dad." All this flies in the face of people like James Dobson who claim Gay parents will try to turn adopted children into homosexuals like themselves. They also claim that gay parents can't provide a loving environment like a straight couple can. Tim and Bill and hundreds of thousands of other gay parents prove them wrong daily. Not being a parent myself, I cannot imagine the challenges involved in raising a teen, but recent studies reveal that lesbian and gay parents do just as well as the ...

In London Cemetery Originally uploaded by p2son . Shocked but not surprised. I read this a half dozen times as reporters scramble to speak to Londoners about today's attack. World leaders rise up to denounce the attacks using the harshest language as they also raise the terror alerts and consider their next moves. We (the US and British) are not engaged in a war on terrorism, but a war of terrorism. They strike, we strike 100 times harder. They wait and strike again. How will this end? The day before the US presidential election, Osama Bin Laden gave a speech in which he outlined the steps that led him to the Sept 11 attacks. Bush, Kerry and the media immediately pronounced the speech another threat to our national security. In that speech, Bin Laden said, No one except a dumb thief plays with the security of others and then makes himself believe he will be secure. Whereas thinking people, when disaster strikes, make it their priority to look for its causes, in order to ...

The Queer Action Coaltion now offers a weekly newsletter via e-mail. Learn about their efforts to fight homophobia through original documentary films, speakers bureau, literature and more. You can sign up in less than a minute giving you plenty of time to make a donation to this fine group of young activists from Memphis, TN who, moved by the plight of a friend and fellow young person, decided to do something about it.

At this week's G8 Summit in Scotland, when asked about giving aid and cancelling debt, President Bush spoke of his willingness, but stated he first wants assurances that the money will be well spent. Bush said, I don't know how we can look our taxpayers in the eye and say, this is a good deal to give money to countries that are corrupt. Full story here Maybe we don't give to corrupt countries, but... Can you say Halliburton ? Can you say Tom Delay ? okay and countries too... Can you say Iraq ? And now a word from Bush's Savior (No, not Karl Rove) Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. (Luke 6:41-42 NIV)

Danny , a fellow Aquarian and Quaker, writes a great post about how Quakerism is for Radicals. Contemplative Activist, a regular visitor to this blog, recently posted about how Quakerism is much more than just God Talk. What I love about being a Quaker (the liberal, unprogrammed kind), is that God is not shoved down my throat. Spirituality is a lot more than just talk. It is action, passion, intellect and love. In the queer community we have a crisis of faith. Because of church hurt, we often flee our religions and want nothing to do with God in any form. Still many of us still have a longing for the something more, but even gay churches seem too much to handle for many of us (Is it all the tacky rainbow religious knick knacks?) We get religious flashbacks like we're survivors of some holy war. Going to Quaker meeting for the first time some years ago confounded me. It didn't bring up bad memories or toxic texts. It felt right for me. I appreciate Quakerism for the quiet. ...

FGC Let Love Choose Originally uploaded by p2son . At the FGC Quaker gathering today, over 500 Friends, queer and straight, gathered in support of marriage equality. Hearing the tesitmonies of same-gender loving couples moved me most of all since they were married under the care of their Quaker meetings. Many years of meeting, praying, waiting and watching brought together this group that once was divided on queer issues. After years of hiding from fellow Christians within the churches I attended, I can't describe how it felt to be surrounded by people of faith who agree that queer people are a perfect part of God's plan, gifts to the community.

Based on a real story, with real people and real pain. Willie Hewes created the best Zach site I've seen yet! Through Free Z , Willie Hewes evokes deep emotion through a beautifully rendered comic. Links to what you can do to make a difference, and printable version of the comic story, so we can reproduce it and distribute it. Sweet.

FGC view Originally uploaded by p2son . Words and Phrases heard and read at FGC All my dreams are there, my memories, my lies--that's where the poems come from. I went from a me to an us Whatever the word of God is, it is not a book. Experiment with Light. Here we are with Christian shirts in a gay bar. Every time I sit down to write a poem I want to forget the Reservation, but the Reservation won't let me go. I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewritters. When friends by shame are undefiled, how can I keep from singing. Friends, let us resolve not to use the Bible as a weapon. Where'd you find the sweet potato fries?

VA Tech Mem Chapel Originally uploaded by p2son . Here at the annual national gathering of the Friends General Conference , I was more than a little shocked when, with the other queer Quakers, ( FLGBTQC ) we entered Virginia Tech's Memorial Chapel for worship and faced a wall of very hunky, near naked men in stone. Needless to say, settling into stillness required extra effort on my part. Besides the stimulating worship, the start of FGC and the connections (and reconnections) both comfort and challenge me. So many thoughtful people who take their roles as humans seriously. Together we look carefully at the environment , the war in Iraq and elsewhere , anti-racism and of course Quakerism. I bumped into two bloggers today! Liz Op and Quaker Ranter . Tuesday afternoon we will hold a rally, Let Love Choose which will publically protest anti-gay initiatives in Virginia and elsewhere while making a case for marriage equality. I am in good company.

Suzie Cynaide Originally uploaded by p2son . While in Memphis last week, I met Suzie. I actually met her a few years back at the Food Co-Op where she and others sought to create an alternative community-based store. This trip I got to know her some. So wise, so warm, so powerful. I don't think she is aware of the power she possesses. When I saw Blue Citrus Hearts , the stellar, award winning film created by Morgan Jon Fox , (and co-directed by Suzie), she flooded the screen with an ancient transcendent power, a power that the world once knew in many societies where transgendered individuals served as shamans, seers, leaders and warriors. There in Memphis, with or without an official title, she inspires the queer activists simply by being herself.

PlanetOut asked me to write an op-ed piece about what is happening with Zach and LIA. I write about the young Memphis protesters and the bold move on the part of the religious right to hunt down and subdue queer youth. They asked me to write a humorous piece, but at first I found NOTHING funny about this story. The second time around I came up with some nice self-deprecating humor. You can also read it at gay.com .

Just read this article in the Washington Blade. Mixing drug and alcohol rehab with dehomosexualization therapy may create legal problems for Love in Action. Eartha Melzer of the Blade writes Legislation giving the health department the authority to issue cease-and-desist orders to unlicensed alcohol and drug treatment facilities goes into effect July 1. Turner said that the health department is considering whether the Love in Action facility is causing harm. On June 24, Melzer wrote about how 16-year old Zach was forced to attend LIA and the initial investigation by Child Services at the TN Department of Health. Stay posted, this story is not over.

"Why don't you just shove a feather up your ass and whistle dixie while you're at it?! No, you cannot go with that boy." She's referring to my boyfriend. Mom is never like this with my brother and all of his freaky girlfriends. Like we have some family legacy to preserve or something. Who gives a shit? Except my mom. I want to go to the 4th of July field day with Brandon--just to be with him, to walk around, holding hands, eating funnel cake and stuff like that. Big deal. I guess Whoville is not ready for a same sex teen couple. Yeah, but how will they ever change if nobody gets off their ass to do something? But I don't want to walk hand in hand with Brandon to make a point or to piss someone off. I just want to hold his hand, because I like him.

Yeah, I'm a Quaker. No, not those folks with the horse and buggies. Those are the Amish. And not the folks with the furniture. Those are the Shakers. And no, it has nothing to do with oat meal. On Tuesday I arrived at Pendle Hill , a Quaker school and retreat center outside of Philadelphia. Working with the Young Adult Leadership Development program, I presented some of my queer themed pieces, including my talk about language & oppression in the "ex-gay" movement, Talkin' Trash in the Homo No Mo Halfway House . Pendle Hill draws both activists and artists. Here you can meet people who worked in japanese internment camps in the 40's and young teachers who serve at the Friend's School in Ramallah . A fully stocked library, a 24 hour art studio where you can do ceramics, silk dying and card making, an organic garden to supply the kitchen (which always offers a vegan meal option), a woodland path through an arboretum, nice spaces to read, write and think. Thi...