Peterson Toscano's A Musing

I arrived in Madrid, Spain last night to visit my brother and his wife (mi cuñada) for a few days. Today is my brother´s birthday (su cumpliaños), and we celebrated with a big lunch in their new flat in the North of the city. All day long I have spoken Spanish and really should be blogging over at Dos Equis , the blog en Español that Adriana Cabrera and I co-write. Speaking Spanish is much more forgiving than speaking Swedish. Ugh, Swedish! Svensk! In Spanish if you mispronounce a word, people typically know what you are trying to say, but in Swedish, you end up saying an altogether different word (and somehow one that is always embarassing). On this trip I have proven that change is possible . I started out with US dollars, changed those for British pound sterling , then moved on briefly to the Danish krone , then to the Swedish krona , then back to the pound and now onto the Euro . I am not sure what has gotten a bigger workout, my language skills or my math skills. I say let´s brin...

Tellilng our life stories, particularly the painful bits, takes a lot out of most of us. It requires good support and knowing limits of how deeply we can share. But when we do step up and speak out, sharing our stories with vulnerability and clarity, people hearing us change. This is especially true when ex-gay survivors tell their stories to others, especially to well-meaning others who had wrongly assumed that gay people must change. Once they hear of the pain and damage caused, I have seen them change quickly and deeply. In August 2006 I spoke to an audience of 350+ at the Greenbelt Festival . I shared some excerpts from my play Doin' Time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House as well as talked from my heart about my own personal journey to sort out God and my sexuality and the rest of the world. Since that time I have met scores of people who attended that talk who told me how deeply it impacted them. And as a result of that talk, I had the opportunity to present in Wakefield, Englan...

Like many people raised in the USA, particularly with an Evangelical church background, I always thought of Sweden as a place where gays and lesbians were freely accepted by a society that had done its work to embrace all of its citizens. And really it is an amazing place with progressive laws for many of its citizens. But anti-gay sentiments can still run deep regardless of laws. Anti-gay messages still get into the public's minds through preachers, neo-Nazis and just plain ignorance. In September when I visited Sweden for the first time, I felt shocked to hear about homophobic attacks in major cities like Stockholm and that most offices of the RFSL (the national LGBT organization) could not put signs up in front of their offices and meeting places because of anti-gay vandalism. At that time I also learned about people who felt compelled to live double-lives in order to find acceptance within their families, communities and churches. In regards to the ex-gay movement, many Swedes...

Okay, I am one lucky and happy blogger. I am on a train from Newcastle to Wakefield (UK) and could only get a First Class ticket because everything else was sold out. I get to first class, sit in my plush seat, get a hot cup of tea served to me right away, open my laptop and BAM! wifi. So I blog to you as I speed through the English countryside on my to change trains at Doncaster. I live for wifi. I just came off a wonderfully exhausting and exhilarating weekend with British Quakers ages 18-30ish. In this one weekend I have had so many conservations with thoughtful, informed and passionate Friends. Really inspires me and gives me hope. At the weekend I met several people who I only knew through e-mail and blogging as well as dear Friends who I have hung with before (hey Esther, Mark and Alyn!). I got to meet and speak at length with Friend Wes who authors the GatheringInLight blog. Wes is very involved with the Convergent Quaker movement which attempts to help Quakers from various bac...

Having a great weekend at Young Friends General Conference, a gathering of young adult Quakers throughout England. Although I am far too old for this group, they graciously invited me to present my Homo No Mo play and lead a Bibliodrama. As a gay guy, I have found so much love and acceptance among Quakers. But not just that, I have felt challenged in my faith and life many times over. It was at the annual gathering of New England Quakers that I first heard the term "skin privilege," and being with Quakers I have felt convicted many times about how I spend money, my time, my mind. A lot of it has to do with the willingness to ask questions, or queries as we put it. If I weren't on a shoddy computer at a Internet bar, I'd give you some links to these queries (Friends help me out here). So often in churches I was given creeds and sermons and talking points but rarely encouraged to ask questions of myself and my faith. Instead they gave me questions to ponder like, ...

I am blogging from the Friends Center bookshop and cafe across the street from Euston Station. They have wifi and free computers for anyone to use off the street. I love that. Not much time. I have to prepare for my talk/presentation tonight at the Courge UK meeting here in London (at an undisclosed location. They are funny about letting people know where they meet. I feel so covert.) My presentation will center around some of the research I am doing for my next play Transfigurations , which will look at the lives and stories of transgender, genderqueer and gender different people in the Bible. In addition to performing the gAy,B,Cs from Queer 101, I will share some of what I have unearthed about trans folks in the Bible. So much wonderful information about trans people who were utterly essential to the stories in which they appeared. Many people ask, But who are these trans people in the Bible??? I've never seen them . Of course many of us have not seen them. We have been trained...

I sometimes feel tickled (and sometimes shocked) when I look the stats for my blogs and see the keywords people plug in that eventually gets them to me. Interestingly enough, everyday someone finds me with a search for pitt bulls. I write about ex-gay stuff everyday but I have the pitt bulls to thank for the traffic. Here is a list of the most recent keywords that got people to this blog and where they come from. pitt bull (hungary) clips video how hewes (unknown) christian autumn poems (pittsburgh, pa) gay scotland pics (vancouver, british columbia) john smid love in action (albany, ny) black pitt bulls (jersey city, nj) beastiality nova scotia (halifax, nova scotia--better warn the neighbors) Although the traffic is much much less for the Spanish blog Adriana and I maintain, nearly all of the visitors come from a web search. (I only had the seven above for A Musing, which averages 200 unique visits daily, while Dos Equis has 65 key word searches for the past two days and about th...

People so often ask all the wrong questions. The press has been doing this for years in regards to ex-gay programs. They display bold headlines, Is Change Possible? Exodus leaders and other Christian spokesmen assert that YES it is possible, while gay activists counter NO it is not possible. And so it goes round and round. People ask the wrong questions. Few ask, What does this change look like that is supposedly possible? I have spoken with leaders at Exodus in the US and others in South America and Europe. Over and over I hear from them that they understand people with same-sex attractions will most likely have these attractions for the rest of their lives. In many perhaps (most cases?), they will not develop attractions for the opposite sex. I remember how disappointed I felt when I first heard this at Love in Action, where I attended for two years. I spent 15 years trying to become a new creature in Christ Jesus to then show up in what had long been considered the Cadillac of Ex-...

When I lived in New York City, I attended Time Square Church . Like our friend, Marvin Bloom , I went to church every time the doors opened--Sunday morning service, Sunday evening service, Tuesday night prayer meeting, Thursday night Bible study, Friday night praise and worship step aerobic class (okay, I made that last one up). The senior pastor, David Wilkerson, preached most Sundays either morning or evening with a message filled with dire warnings if we as individuals and a nation did not turn to God. For nearly five years I sat under his teaching, and the teachings of the other pastors, in my pursuit of holiness and nearness to God. My personal struggle with my same-sex attractions kept me close to the front and in the choir, often at the altar for prayer and always looking for answers. David Wilkerson has traveled widely in the world. Just today I spoke with a woman here in Sweden who heard him speak back in the late 60's when he spoke to nearly a thousand young people in St...

Dyana Bagby writing for the Washington Blade interviewed Christine Bakke and me about bXg and the upcoming Ex-Gay Survivor Conference. Her piece, Ex-gay not OK , tells some of the history of the bXg website and the thought behind it. IN SPRING 2005, CHRISTINE Bakke contacted Toscano after attending one of his performances. The two struck a dialogue about their experiences, eventually deciding they wanted to do more to help others like them who “survived” their ex-gay experiences to finally embrace being gay. The result of their talking is Beyondexgay.com, a website that went online April 2 and shares stories of others who tried to become ex-gay but finally accepted themselves for who they are. Christine and I talk about the upcoming conference, which will be held in Irvine, CA June 29-July 1, 2007, in the same city at the same time as Exodus' annual ex-gay conference. "Our conference is a loving response to their message that to be acceptable to God, one has to change an inh...

Yesterday was IDAHO , the International Day Against Homophobia. I celebrated it here in Lund, Sweden at the Smålands Nation student group and did my Homo No Mo play to a packed house. I head off to Umeå in the North to do another presentation. Exodus International president Alan Chambers wrote a blog entry in support of IDAHO (no not the US state of Idaho but the actual anti-homophobia day). Today is the International Day Against Homophobia. And, you might be surprised to learn that I support this effort. Homophobia does exist. Irrational fear of those who are gay or lesbian is a real problem in our culture. While I believe we have come a long way, I still see true homophobia at work each and every day. He concludes, So, when it comes to the evils of homophobia, bullying, name calling, hatred and violence where those affected by homosexuality are concerned, I stand with all decent human beings who are fighting and praying for an end to the ignorance and ungodliness that cause them. T...

I am in the lovely university city of Lund where they know me as Queerstand-up komiker och aktivist Peterson Toscano. I did a talk last night before they showed the film Fish Can't Fly . They said that that film has been the best attended event so far during the film festival. Lots of people here say that ex-gay stuff doesn't happen in Sweden. They no longer have an Exodus affiliated program. Their ex-gay program doesn't say people can change, but rather they need to remain celebate. But all of these crazy things we do in the US do not happen here in Sweden. Or do they? After my talk, I met a man who has been a Swedish Pentecostal minister for 30 years. He prayed, sought God, endured exorcisms and much more all in the attempt to change his same-sex desires or else get delivered from homosexuality. He is actually at the very start of his journey out of that closet and is not even ready to visit bXg . But he came to the talk and the movie. During Fish Can't Fly there is a...

That's "New Post in Lund." I arrived in Lund, Sweden yesterday after a short flight from London to Copenhagen (thanks Esther for the ride and for sharing a bowl of coffee with me!) The last time I was in the university city of Lund with this past September. I visited twice on that trip. The first time was with the crew from the gay theatre troupe in Malmö. Then a few nights later I came with Alex & Noa for Kulturnatten . This time I stay with a Quaker Friend, Janet and her husband, John, who is a professor at the university here in Lund (about 40,000 students). Today I have the day off to just chill, go to a cafe and do some writing then maybe see a film. Tomorrow I give a talk at their Gay & Lesbian film festival before they screen Fish Can´t Fly . Thursday the student group, Smålands Nation , sponsors my performance of Homo No Mo at the university as part of IDAHO (International Day Against Homophobia). Then on Friday I fly up to Stockholm to meet up with Al...

Many years ago someone asked the all important and often annoying question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" To which I quickly replied, "I want to be a European." An ex-gay program leader once challenged me that I was "too European," and this was especially bad since he believed many gay men in the USA aspire to the cool sophistication associated with Europeans. High fashion, Old World charm and baguettes--a recipe for disaster. At age 17 I made my first trip to Europe as a proud member of the United States Collegiate Wind Band (I hated that name especially since I played the tuba). We toured England, France, Beligium, Austria and Germany. I loved every second of it (except for the asthma attack after being smothered by a delicious goose down duvet and sinking into goose down pillows), and wanted more and more. Since that summer of wind banding it, I have returned to the UK and Europe at least 20 times, staying for as long as three months on two...

In order to help get the word out about the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference , Christine Bakke just posted a series of fliers we have created. Each flier is worded for a different audience we hope to draw to the conference--survivors, allies, clergy, mental health professionals. We provide half page (8.5" x 5.5") fliers with versions in full color and black & white. Check them out . I ask you to consider printing or e-mailing some of these out to folks who you think might be interested in coming to the conference.

I am sitting in the office of Courage UK with Jeremy Marks plowing through the score of e-mails he has to answer after being out of the office for the day. Many not the same sort of deluge that Exodus gets daily (see Fuzzy Ex-Gay Math ), but it keeps Jeremy busy. He just read me a wonderfully hilarious article from NewsBiscuit , a UK version of The Onion Homosexual turns straight after 'good talking to' from father A young man has publicly announced his intention to become heterosexual despite having been openly gay for several years. Adam Denver said the decision came after a ‘serious bit of lecturing’ from his father. ‘He just sat me down and gave it to me straight. No-one likes a poof, Son,’ recounted Adam; ‘Once he put it like that, I suddenly saw the light Read the rest for yourself; it's loads of fun. My flight to London last night went smoothly. I flew Virgin Atlantic. Always wanted to do so, but alas I was not impressed. The vegan meal was insipid. The service was...

Christine and I have been getting so many e-mails from people sharing their ex-gay experiences. (thank you!) We have posted some of these on bXg and others will be there over the next few weeks. Here are two narratives we recently posted. Brock: “What a pathetic mess,” I thought as I listened to him cry and boast about another one of his secret sexual encounters behind stall doors, public parks, health clubs, chat rooms, and bath houses. Here I was again at another Dallas ex-gay meeting, with a bunch of weenies in the back of the Church of Christ. The 20-something members of my group sat in a circle around a chair-less, pale-yellow room giving accounts of our madness. I look back now and my heart breaks for these men, confused and tormented by their natural need. But the thousands of men and women in these groups aren’t weenies at all. By one means or another they have taken the first step in coming out of denial about their orientation, usually at the risk of losing many people they...

Sitting here in Newark Airport getting ready to board my Virgin Atlantic flight to London where Jeremy Marks will meet me in the morning and then I will spend a few days with the fabulous Michael Rutland . I feel so excited about this trip to Europe where I will see some folks who have become dear dear friends in Sweden and the UK as well as get to see my brother and his wife in Madrid. AND I got a free ride to the airport (which is about three hours from my home). Turns out a popular news programs wanted to interview me for an upcoming show (probably in June and as soon as I know the details, I will post them). They scheduled me to come today, so early this morning the car turned up to take me to the studio in NYC and then to the airport (which I have turned into my personal office as I plow through my inbox as well as write letters the old fashioned way.) I feel thrilled that Steve Boese has updated my performance page on my site. Check it out ! Thanks Steve. Okay, more blogging lat...

When someone chooses to enter an ex-gay program like Love in Action (LIA), if they mean to or not, they often bring other people along with them--partners, friends, and in many cases, parents. Ex-gay leaders have typically pointed to the parents as the probable cause for a homosexual child. How many of us have heard things like, "You're mother was overbearing and your father was emotionally distant." The program leaders and ex-gay spokespeople pieced together the profile of what made us homosexual. They provided us with a template that insisted that serious dysfunction must have occurred in the home, and even when we insisted that things were fine at home, they questioned us further and suggested that we were in denial. I have heard horror stories from lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgender people who have told me how program leaders targeted their parents, and in so doing, drove a wedge between parent and child. (see Jeff's story in a previous post ) In some cas...

What: The Ex-Gay Survivors Conference : Undoing the Damage, Affirming our Lives Together When: June 29-July 1, 2007 Where: University of California at Irvine (Orange County nearly Los Angeles) For Survivors: Many LGBT people have had ex-gay experiences. We don't always talk about them, but for a time they shaped a large part of lives and even today may affect the ways we see ourselves and the world around us. Ex-gay experiences come in many forms from dressing and acting in more gender normative ways to actually attending ex-gay programs or receiving therapy. The reasons we pursued these experiences are myriad and often stem from the heterosexism we faced since early childhood. Also, some of us suffered from unresolved abuse, sexual addiction, low self-esteem or dysfunctional relationships and sought help in all the wrong places only compounding our problems. As people who now embrace our sexual orientation and identity, we have not always had the opportunity to unpack that time in...

This from the folks over at God & Gays : Hi there! Join ex gay survivor and author Darlene Bogle as the next guest on the God, Gays & You Live Interview Series this Thursday, May 3rd 5pm Pacific/8pm Eastern. Sponsored by the hit documentary, God & Gays: Bridging the Gap , listen in live while we get the scoop on how Darlene lead an Exodus group for 15 years to turn around and survive and so much more. We'll also talk about if you or someone you know is struggling or involved in ex gay programs, what you can do to support and help them in a much healthier and spiritually healing way. Darlene is a featured speaker at the Beyond Ex Gay Conference in June so get on the call and get to know her. Since this topic is rarely openly discussed, you never know who you could be helping by forwarding this email around to your networks and lists. Invite 10 people you know to be on the call and we look forward to being you then. Call in information: Be sure to call in a few minutes e...

Two years ago Alan Chambers and I appeared on the TV program Faith Under Fire on the PAX TV network. The show, hosted by Lee Strobel , has since gone off the air. This conservative Christian-based talk show attempted to take on the issue of the Ex-gay Movement. Recently I found some old video tape of it (which must have melted a bit in my attic crawl space where I stash this stuf so that sound and video are a little funky), and with my highly technical equipment, I uploaded the first half of the segment on YouTube. If you want the second half, I can upload it too. The transcript on of the program can be found over on Ex-Gay Watch. (oh and I LOVE the ads for other PAX TV programs--Xtreme Fakeovers! Cold Turkey 2--oh, the irony) UPDATE: Okay here is Part Two (wow and I got a visit from Disputed Mutability with a comment!)

Yes, I realize it has been several days since I blogged. Over the weekend I co-led a retreat for BGLQT Quakers (I like to to mix up the letters) with my Friend Judy, an amazing bisexual, artistic, singing therapist (just to name a few of her labels). The retreat turned out to be very centered and spiritual, AND I survived a weekend without my cell phone and Internet access (but I did have a dream about AIMing) Yesterday I spent much of the day with some filmmakers working on a journalistic documentary about the ex-gay movement. I know I encourage lots of folks to share their stories, but I so easily forget how exhausting it is to do so. Being honest, vulnerable and present throughout the telling can knock the wind out of us. After the filmmakers left, I decided I would not go on-line and answer the 250+ e-mails waiting for me. I would not start reading The Transcended Christian , a book a publisher sent me to review. I would not go on-line to work on bXg or the Ex-Gay Survivor Confere...