Peterson Toscano's A Musing

Some of you know that Christine Bakke and I sent out an invitation to Exodus leaders to have dinner with some ex-gay survivors. The dinner happened last night and was sponsored by Beyond Ex-Gay and Soulforce . Here is a copy of the invitation. I have received several messages from people wanting to know: Did you have a meeting with Exodus leaders last night? Did they accept your invitation? What happened???? Christine and I told the three Exodus leaders present for our dinner last night here in Irvine, CA that we would not blog about the details or even mention their names. If they wish to blog about it, that is fine and welcome, but not necessary. In seeking dialog we need to develop trust and know that every word we say will not end up out on the web. Three leaders of Exodus member ministries joined four of us ex-gay survivors for dinner. No one from Exodus International senior leadership or from the Exodus board attended the dinner, and those present for the dinner stressed that ...

Last night waiting at the elevator here in the hotel a woman ,also waiting, looked at me. I looked at her. We recognized each other although we had never met. But we somehow knew we were in Irvine for the same thing. She ran over to me, hugged me and told me her story. She was looking for something on Google a week ago and found bXg and the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference . She said to herself, "I need to be there". And here she is all the way from Texas. She told a tale of parents and siblings who constantly tortured her because she is lesbian and that she can't stand suppressing her sexuality any longer. She has cried everyday since Mother's Day and she says she is ready for healing. Although the conference doesn't officially kick off until tonight, people are arriving. I met Anthony Venn Brown from Australia. Jeremy Marks is here from England. Folks from Colorado and Florida and New York. Although the fortune telling arm of Focus on the Family yesterday prophesi...

The schedule for the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference is now up! I am so excited about so many of the activities, especially the film forum (where we will have a very special announcement to make). Steve Boese, our web master, has been working very hard to keep the conference page updated with the latest news and links to media and blogs. He just posted a the response Christine Bakke and I have to an erroneous Focus on the Family Citizenlink article about the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference. Focus wrote: Exodus Conference Offers Hope to Hundreds The 32nd annual Exodus International conference is underway in Irvine, Calif., and God is at work. "We've already seen an amazing turnout, amazing response, amazing speakers," said Randy Thomas, executive vice president of Exodus. "The Lord has really done a great work so far in the conference." The meeting, which began Tuesday and wraps up Sunday, has drawn close to 1,000...

So much ex-gay news on the blogs, TV and print media this week in large part because of the conferences taking place this week in Irvine where people with ex-gay experiences get to meet up and share their experiences. The Ex-Gay Survivor Conference begins tomorrow and Exodus' Freedom Conference is already in full swing. Yesterday bXg along with Soulforce organized a press conference at the LA LGBT Community center where three former Exodus leaders publicly apologized for their roles in ex-gay ministry. Jeremy Marks, former head of Exodus Europe stated, Perhaps I should take this opportunity first to say how sorry I am, and to ask forgiveness from all my fellow Gay, Lesbian Bisexual and Trans-gendered people who might be listening to this—for my part in colluding with the religious right in the Western world. Though at the time we did not see it this way, our collusion involved setting up and maintaining an oppressive anti-gay, and I must also say equally anti-Christian view of h...

Today in LA three former Exodus leaders publicly apologized for their involvement in the ex-gay movement. Darlene Bogle, Michael Bussee and Jeremy Marks each shared their own personal statements and then Michael read out the shared statement. They signed the apology and presented it to ex-gay survivors who were present at the press conference. Statement of Apology from Former Exodus Leaders Issued by Darlene Bogle , Michael Bussee , and Jeremy Marks June 27, 2007 As former leaders of ex-gay ministries, we apologize to those individuals and families who believed our message that there is something inherently wrong withvbeing gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender. Some who heard our message were compelled to try to change an integral part of themselves, bringing harm to themselves and their families. Although we acted in good faith, we have since witnessed the isolation, shame, fear, and loss of faith that this message creates. We apologize for our part in the message of broken truth w...

The Colorado Confidential paper published a great two part interview with Christine Bakke, the fabulous co-founder of BeyondExGay.com (bXg). The article goes through some of her own personal history as an ex-gay, but more importantly her process of coming out of the ex-gay movement, moving beyond the hurt and the silence to becoming a national presence as a lesbian ex-gay survivor. Part One and Part Two Steve Boese, the web master extrodinaire over at bXg put out a call to bXgers to share what the conference means to them. We have begun to get some powerful responses which Steve has begun to post. David F. from Dallas writes, I found out about the conference only last week, and immediately booked it. I spent 8 years in ex-gay ministries, reparative therapy, and aversion therapy and finally left after a suicide attempt. My involvement in these groups has affected every area of my life, from my belief in God to my ability to create trusting friendships and relationships. I have com...

Ah, in sunny LA where I presented a show with Momma this morning at WeHo Church . It is our Dragged Out of the Spiritual Closet piece we did at True Colors this year. This time our audience was mostly gay Christian men (with a smattering of women and a German TV crew that has been stalking me since Friday). After service we all headed off to The Abbey for some drinks, snacks and chatting. Momma, being the big Hollywood big shot, was immediately shown to the best table in the house and given a bunch of free munchies. Glamor has its perks. Since I was first visited the Abbey last year with my long lost buddy Joe and filmed my first vlog entry there, I thought I would take out the camera and shoot some more video and photos. Photos: 1. Daniel Gonzales, Timothy Kincaid and Me 2. Daniel and Momma 3. Momma and Me before our show (I'm playing Dr. Rev. Meadows) 4. Momma momentarily pissed (she got over it right away; she's classy that way) Oh, and Nathan, the cute guy who appear...

Many believe that only people living in the rural South in the USA have tried to change or suppress their attractions for people of the same sex. They also believe that in order to do so, people enrolled (or were forced to attend) treatment camps at some undisclosed location. In my quest to straighten myself out I did ultimately end up at a residential center on a farm right outside of Memphis, TN. But before that I spent the vast majority of my ex-gay life in New York going anywhere I could to find the elusive cure to my gayness. In my mind I simply desired to stop sinning in body and in mind. There never was a shortage of ministers out there who tried to help me. Most of those who attempted to fix me were not officially part of the Ex-gay Movement. In fact, I imagine that the vast majority of people who attempt to change or suppress their sexuality do so without the assistance of Exodus, NARTH, JONAH, Courage, Evergreen or any of the other ex-gay groups out there. Most people do it o...

Yesterday Exodus issued their reaction to the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference . Focus on the Family's Citizen Link Daily Update refers to our conference and states. Just a mile down the road, gay activists, co-sponsored by the University of California - Irvine, have scheduled a counter-conference at which some people will claim they were hurt by ex-gay organizations. Exodus Executive Vice President Randy Thomas weighs in, "We live in a great country where people can have freedom of assembly," he said. Unfortunately, the organizers of the counter-conference will "try to project their experience onto all of us, when in fact thousands of people, myself included, have overcome homosexuality." In casting us as protesters and minimizing the scope of the organizers to a local group in Irvine, CA, Exodus not only knowingly misinforms people, they also miss the point. Sponsored by Soulforce , BeyondExGay.com as well as the LGBT Resource Center at the University of California...

In regards to same sex attractions, the question has been debated over and over, Is Change Possible? but for many of us who attended Exodus programs, in some cases for years, the more important question is not about the possibility of change but the costs involved in pursuing that change. Change at what cost? Next week many Exodus leaders, of both large and small ministries, will gather in Irvine for the Exodus Freedom Conference . A smaller conference will take place nearby where a group of ex-gay survivors along with concerned allies will meet to share and try to make sense of their own ex-gay histories. These concurrent gatherings in the same city present us with wonderful opportunities to connect with each other. With that hope in mind, Christine Bakke and I, co-founders of BeyondExGay (bXg), issue the following open invitation to Exodus leaders. We have already sent a signed copy of the invitation to Alan Chambers, president of Exodus along with an e-mail and will e-mail it to...

Lots in the news yesterday about a possible shift in focus at Exodus, or at least with Alan Chambers. See Ex-Gay Watch for details about the possibility that there is no such thing as an "ex-gay". No doubt lots of discussion has gone on between folks at Exodus and concerned activists and citizens. IN the past few months Exodus president Alan Chambers has made some moves to better protect youth in their programs and has come out against bullying and homophobia . All of this is welcomed news. Dialog helps us challenge our assumptions, stretch our thinking, consider new possibilities. I know that when I speak with people who identify as ex-gay or former homosexual (or whatever term they may prefer), I walk away with a deeper and broader understanding. Some time ago I put out a call to Exodus leaders to hear the stories of survivors, people who attended Exodus programs for months, even years, and at the end of the day came away harmed more than helped. For some of us the proc...

The Ex-Gay Survivor Conference received some recent press coverage on the West Coast. The June 29-July 1 conference in Irvine, CA got a mention in today's LA Times. Yesterday the Orange County Register published a piece about the two "dueling conferences" happening in Irvine this month. Organizers of both conferences got counseling designed to help them "go straight," also known as "pray the gay away." But they came to very different conclusions about the success of such programs and how much harm or help they can be. "I chose to live differently, and my feelings changed, too," said Alan Chambers, president of the Orlando, Fla.-based Exodus International, who is married. "Today, I am a far different person. Not that I don't struggle, but my life has changed. I certainly don't have the desire to be involved in homosexuality. It has no power over me." One of the original founders of the Exodus movement has a different v...

In NYC for the day to meet up with some media types--nice folks all. I also got to see David C. Ah David C! I LOVE David C. For one he first introduced me to Rufus Wainwright years ago when the Poses album first came out. In fact, it was also in his car that I first heard and fell hard for Bjork. David C is also an ex-gay survivor. He graduated Love in Action (LIA) shortly before I arrived back in 1996. We have lived similar lives with David a few steps ahead of me. Before LIA he also married a woman and then divorced. He knew the pain and disappointment of a good relationship that could not work. He worked hard on his program at LIA and from what I learned took his life as a Christian more seriously than most people I ever met. After some time out of LIA, living an ex-gay life, he too went through a crisis and began to question the teachings he spent so much time learning. He dove into an abyss of questions, questions of utmost importance. Questions about everything. With tenacit...

Actually Godcasted. Christine Bakke, (who recently celebrated a birthday!) appears on the recent edition of Candace Chellew-Hodge's Whosoever.org Godcast (#13). She talks about the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference , Beyond Ex-Gay ( bXg ) and her own ex-gay journey. She explains the purpose behind the conference and what will happen there. I love Christine's wit and warmth as she speaks about these issues. You can have a listen here. Christine blogs about some recent international attention lately with a piece in a Russian paper (Sadelle, Vlad says, check out the original to practice your Russian :-) A 35 year old American woman has challenged "Reparative therapy" which supposedly cures the homodemon. 35 year-old American Kristina Beykk wanted to escape from homosexuality with the aid of the program of the so-called ex-gays, who promise to cure the "misguided souls" through the word of the Lord, the lesbian journal "Pinx" reports. I love the "homo...

Hey gang, I miss reading many of your blogs! I hope to have some time this week to finally catch up. So many things in the works. As many of you know, Christine and I over at bXg along with SoulForce and the LGBT Resource Center at UC Irvine will host the first ever Ex-Gay Survivor Conference in Irvine, CA the weekend of June 29-July 1, 2007. I don't know yet how many we will have at the various events, but the response has been amazing from survivors and concerned allies on the West Coast, throughout the US and from as far away as Toronto, NYC and London. All day today I have talked to people coming to the conference to present their films or art or to just join in the discussion. No doubt this will be a historic event and will change some people's understanding of ex-gay experiences. This will be true of survivors themselves who may not ever had the opportunity to effectively unpack their former experiences--the motivations behind seeking change, the good that came of the...

I was not too much in the mood to take photos on this recent trip. But on two days I did take a few shots. One was in Stockholm with Alex and Daniel. We went down into the Metro where they have each station fitted with artwork. You will see Alex looking a the Solar System. We also went to the Museum of Modern art. Then we tried to find a nice cafe, but the one we wanted was closed because the owner needed to take care of a sick cat. Aw, that is so sweet. The other day I took photos was when I was with Jose Luis. I went to a garden near Madrid and took photos of flowers, then he and I went out of the city to Aranquez where I shot some more photos. Oh and in Oxfordshire, I took a photo from my window which you will see below. Click on photos to see MONSTER SIZED versions. Enjoy. I know I did. Oh and here is a little something special that I found over at a fellow blogger's site. You will never guess what they are advertising. I love the UK. hat tip to Mike Ditto

I arrived yesterday in Asheville, NC for the yearly meeting of unprogrammed Friends from this region that extends throughout Tennessee, and North Carolina and into Virginia and Georgia (and I imagine South Carolina). SAYMA invited me to come and give a plenary address tonight about my faith journey as a Quaker. I will also adress the teen group as well as lead a bibliodrama. I appreciate prayers, warm thoughts and holding in the Light so that I can speak from the heart and in the Spirit. One thought that keeps coming to me is how I am a refugee. (no not a Yankee from the stiff cold North seeking refuge among friendly folks in the South--although it does feel great to be back down here). No, I am a spiritual refugee. I had to flee my own faith community, in part because of my unwillingness and inability to conform to sexual norms. But it is no longer only about my sexual attractions. I am a refugee in regards to how I look at life and faith and even politics. I don't fit any longer...

Jose Luis Maccarone lived as an ex-gay for over 10 years. I first met him during my time at Love in Action when he came for a visit to the US to share his testimony around the country. In 2000 he moved from his home country of Argentina to Madrid, Spain and become Exodus Interational's first missionary. After serving as an ex-gay missionary for a few years, he came out gay. Last week Jose Luis and I spent a day together, and he wanted to tell some of his story. In this series of videos, Jose Luis shares some of his ex-gay survivor narrative, what it was like to live as an ex-gay, the good and the bad that came of his experience, his recovery and a message to his former clients. Jose Luis shares some of the reasons why he became ex-gay. In this video Jose Luis talks about life as an Exodus leader and missionary What good, if any came of your ex-gay experiences and how were you harmed? Jose Luis talks about his recovery from the ex-gay movement and speaks to the people who he had min...

About once every six weeks I get an e-mail about a young person in Connecticut who needs a home because their parents no longer want them in the home because the teen is transgender or bisexual or lesbian or gay or even just questioning. Families are complicated, and no doubt other reasons come into play, but in almost every case the deciding factor to eject the child from the home is because they are too queer for mom or dad. Robin McHaelen, the director of True Colors , sends out the requests via email. I just received one yesterday about a 16 year old lesbian who needed a home (and as a result of Robin's efforts, the teen has found two homes to choose from!). I just received another request today. This young man just turned 18. He is bright, responsible, caring and homeless. His mom listened in on the phone last week and heard him come out to someone. The mom's response was to put him out. He has been staying with a friend since then, but can't remain. We would love to...

Ex-gay survivors have many reasons for wanting to change from gay to straight. Some we have never fully articulated, but recently I got to understand yet another reason why I so desperatly sought to change my sexual orientation from homosexual to heterosexual. During this current trip to Europe, I had a long conversation with a conservative Methodist woman from the US (who now lives abroad). I have thought long and hard about the ecounter and after journaling about it some, I decided to write the essence of it here. After sharng with this women in detail my ex-gay saga--the steps I took, my heart to please God, and the damage the process caused emotionally, psychologically and spiritually--the woman proceded to tell me that she felt the scripture was clear on the matter and that we should not give God a timeline of when we want him to work. She then asked, But why did you even try to change? Perhaps it was God's will for you to bear the burden of your gay feelings as your daily cro...

Over at my Spanish blog, Dos Equis, I have a post entitled ¿Como Identificar si mi pareja es homosexual? which is similar to the English post What About the Spouse? The Spanish site Adriana and I maintain got so many hits due to search results about gay and lesbian spouses that we decided to write about it in Spanish. Today I received the following comment: Sí encontré este blog por el título de este post. Tengo serias dudas sobre mi esposo, y esperaba encontrar aquí alguna respuesta que me ayude a identificar si su comportamiento tiene que ver con una orientación homosexual, pero de eso, nada. Ya que te encuentras en esa situación, quizá puedas darnos algunos tips para aquellas que somos lastimadas por el engaño de un hombre que no se resigna a reconocer su inclinación, lo cual es muy injusto para la mujer. Gracias. I found this blog through the title of this post. I have serious doubts about my husband, and I hope to find some answer that can help me determine if the way he acts m...