Peterson Toscano's A Musing

A few weeks ago on a phone call with ex-gay survivor Daniel Gonzales , he said something that resonated with me. I didn't really understand my own ex-gay experiences and the harm until I began to speak out about them. I totally get that. Writing and performing my play and sharing my story has helped me to unpack my experiences and understand why I put myself through so much trauma and allowed others to do horrible things to me in the name of God and recovery from homosexuality. What I also see is that folks like Daniel, once they begin to tell their stories, then reach out to others in innovative ways. Daniel has done a series of excellent YouTube videos about the ex-gay movement including his most current one Dan's Wish List of Christmas Past . He also writes for the blog Box Turtle Bulletin and has made told his story in the media. Athena McConnell, a lesbian, Christian and a wonderful writer (check out her poetry ), recently blogged about some of her ex-gay experiences at ...

Since this summer's Ex-Gay Survivor Conference , Christine and I have primarily worked directly with ex-gay survivors, supporting them in telling their stories and helping them find necessary resources for their recovery. We have also met to begin plans for the next two years. Some exciting developments in store. In addition, we continue to update the bXg website as well as respond to messages we regularly receive from ex-gay survivors all over the world. We see the ex-gay survivor movement as one that will grow with the people who feel drawn to be a part of it. We welcome your suggestions and submissions for articles, narratives, art work, poetry and anything else you think might contribute to the site and the movement. We are finding that by telling our stories, we begin to understand more what we did, why we did it and what it cost us. Then we can get beyond those ex-gay experiences and enter more fully into life. Here is a little update: Video of the Ex-Gay Survivor Conferenc...

I try to worship somewhere on Sundays whenever possible. Most often I go to an un-programmed Quaker meeting for mostly an hour of silent worship. Three weeks ago I attended West Hills Friends Church in Portland, OR and two weeks ago I worshiped at Freedom Friends Church, a semi-programmed Quaker Church in Salem, OR co-pastored by Peggy Senger Parsons and Alivia Biko . On Sunday I worshiped at my local Friends Meeting in Hartford, CT. Most people know little about Quakers (no we do not drive horse and buggies, and we do not get a cut from the Quaker Oats company). In the US we have Quaker meetings and Quaker churches. Most Quaker meetings in the US and UK do not have a pastor, and the worship is unprogrammed--we sit down, settle into silence and wait. Someone, anyone really, may speak out of the silence. Sometimes what someone says moves me and inspires me. Other times the message confuses or annoys me (especially those National Public Radio messages, which always start"The othe...

I'm sitting on the couch with Alex and Noa Resare here in Sweden. We all have our Mac laptops out. I have been off-line and needed Alex to update me on all of Marvin's recent media appearances. Yeah, he comes out of the shadows and suddenly here is everywhere. You can hear a special voice message he left over at the Flatus Show episode 120 . I haven't heard it yet, but I hear it is about 10 minutes into the show. But listen to the whole thing, Ken is a cool podcaster even if Joe G refuses to be his Internet boyfriend (but that is more about Joe G's issues and much less to do with cutie Ken). And speaking of Joe G., over at his podcast he juxtaposes two unlikely folks--Marvin with Charo. You have to hear it for yourself-- Episode 14 . Before I left Marvin called to say that he wants to do more video. He feels it is his calling and even bought a video camera and threatened, um promised, to send me the raw files for me to edit. As to your recent questions, he rebuffed t...

Just when you thought it was safe to browse YouTube, Marvin strikes again. I should never have gotten him that video camera for Christmas. He keeps sending me files to edit and post for him (he is still skittish about the Internet ever since his whole demonic virus hard-drive meltdown. In his latest installment he informs us that he is under demonic attack as a result of his recent holiday, um Holy Day message . To make matters worse, he tries to be sensitive this year towards his parents and buys them the "perfect gift" for Hanukkah. He asked me to tell you that he is willing to take on your questions about faith, morality, demons or even his own life. In his own words, "I'm an open book." God help us all. Marvin Bloom Under Attack!

Some of you know Marvin Bloom very well. He was an audio blogger here for several months and shared his own special mix of wisdom and passive aggressiveness. He has been hiding out for over a year, but has made a special appearance for Christmas. Really no words can properly describe the madness and sincerity of Marvin. You will just have to experience it yourself. Of course I told him I would share all messages that you have with him. He will not venture onto the web himself ever since an unfortunate incident with a demonic virus that he downloaded onto his hard drive. But that is another story. For your enjoyment--A Very Marvin Christmas:

Speaking wtih Ally on the phone today, she directed me to a trailer Vince Cervantes put up on his blog (we bloggers are so incestuously connected). The trailer gives a glimpse of a new film about the 2007 Soulforce Equality Rides . Vince and his partner were both riders (and appear in footage in the trailer and I imagine even more in the film). When I met the riders in April to take part in their training, I felt so moved by them, their faith, their commitment and their love. Even in this short trailer it shines through. And speaking of video...if you have not done so yet, please watch my holiday greeting, A Homo No Mo Christmas ! And look out, a video will be released (maybe later today, by a cantankerous friend of this blog (no not Joe Gee--someone sweeter and more Christian)

Time for my annual Christmas video. Last year I bought cyber gifts for everyone while I stayed in Crieff, Scotland, and made a video about it. This year my video is the gift. Yeah, I know, I am so generous. Last week I performed the Ho Ho Homo No Mo Holiday Special at the MCC in Portland, OR, and for that event I dug into my past to find Christmas related material from the Homo No Mo Halfway House . The following video is a TRUE story of a Homo No Mo Christmas. Now don't be surprised if in a few days I post another video from an old friend of this blog. Enjoy!

My buds in Sweden, Alex and Noa Resare, have a story worth telling. Theirs is a story of love against all odds and the creativity of God. You can read some of Alex's story over at bXg and his blog. Recently a regional publication in the city where they live, ran an extensive article about them and their lives as a gay couple with one of the men being trans. Although lots of Americans have this idea that Sweden is light-years ahead of us in regards to LGBT issues, folks still need lots of education. I believe Alex is the first trans person the reporter met. Here is the opening of the article: Trots att paret Resare lever trogna sin kärlek och har varit gifta i åtta år, sedan de var 20–21 år, har de fått lämna sitt samfund och rent juridiskt ta ut skilsmässa. Orsaken är att Olivia genomgått könskorrigering och nu heter Alex. Före könskorrigeringen gick all energi åt till att hålla tillbaka den han kände han var. – Min Gudsbild och självbild ledde till självförakt, nu ser och uppskat...

Jim Burroway and Daniel Gonzales over at Box Turtle Bulletin posted two new videos about the Focus on the Family Love Won Out Conference and specifically messages by ex-gays Mike Haley and Alan Chambers. Mike Haley-- The Hope for Marriage Alan Chambers--I Live a Life of Denial If you are in the mood for some fabulous logic (with a sprinkling of sparkling humor) around gay sex, "the gay lifestyle" and so many of the arguments that anti-gay people throw up about queer folks, check out John Corvino 's newly released extended trailer of the DVD What's Morally Wrong with Homosexuality . And the following video is a fun and subversive view of the terrifying heterosexual disease that infects good wholesome American queer families. Remember anyone, anyone can be a heterosexual. It's but so sad too. Shame No More directed by John Krokidas.

I feel sad to leave Portland, OR, land of ever flowing coffee, the coolest queer community and even a vegan mall. Sounds a bit like heaven to me. You can keep all the fluffy clouds and spotlessly clean elven angels in starched white tunics. Give me the grunge and wonder of Portland. After hanging out with my vegan, queer-friendly, straight-edge friend, Ben (who brought me vegan baked goods from the cafe he works at) I am off to the airport to fly to Los Angeles. I have a long layover, so I get to escape the airport and have dinner with my buddy Eric Leocadio (who the last time we dined near the airport ate enough food for two large drag queens yet somehow maintains his slender figure). Tomorrow I will be in the snowy wasteland of Hartford, at least for a few days before I head to NY to see my family for the holiday (pick one, anyone) and then on December 25th I am off to Sweden where it is dark and cold yet strangely warm and I have dear dear Alex and Noa and their children waiting f...

I performed Transfigurations--Transgressing Gender in the Bible at SMYRC , the Sexual Minority Youth Resource Center in Portland, OR. In my opening remarks I also performed my identity monologue, which I already have up on YouTube, but it feels so different in front of a live audience. After the play, I also did and excerpt from Queer 101--Now I Know My gAy,B,Cs . Yes, it is the scene between Chad and Federico Garcia Lorca. Folks have been clamoring for it for over a year, so for your view and sharing pleasure, below you will see that famous scene. Much thanks to Mark Middleton for taping and editing and uploading the video and then treating me to Pix Patisserie !!! Identity Monologue Excerpt from Queer 101

Just this week I have heard several new stories of ex-gay survivors in the press and on the blogs. They are just coming out all over. There is the story of Scott Harrison who was interviewed for the Southern Poverty Law Center Intelligence Report. He spent time in the Desert Stream/Living Waters program, an ex-gay group that often flies under the radar but maintains an international reach and some of the more bizarre practices regarding evil spirits and homosexuality. Although Exodus says they do not endorse such practices, they still refer people to Desert Stream/Living Waters programs Harrison recounts one of the deliverance sessions he endured, It was very intense, dramatic, group prayer. It lasted at least three hours. At the end, I was drenched in sweat. There were some real areas of psychological wounding. All I can really describe it as — because of how it happened and the incorrectness of the theology — is that it felt like a spiritual rape to me. Another ex-gay survivor, Jame...

Fruit Flies--as in the insect drosophilidae--not savvy straight women who enjoy hovering around fabulous gay men. Yesterday a reporter from ABC contacted me to ask what I thought about a new study that reveals the sexual orientation of fruit flies can be changed. My immediate response was that I am not a scientist and had not yet been in contact with the fruit fly community, so I wouldn't want to speak for them. But as a vegan, I have personal knowledge of drosophilidae in my fruit bowl, and as an ex-gay survivor, I know about the desperation to change one's orientation. But how deliciously ironic that they did a study about orientation on fruit flies. Aw, those poor gay fruit flies being type cast in a fruity role once again. But as I spoke with the reporter, he asked about humans and how some people may respond to this fruit fly orientation switching news. In my mind and heart I traveled back to when I was 19 and longed for a cure. I would have done anything and everything to...

The Southern Poverty Law Center monitors hate groups and organizations that take a decidedly "anti" stance--anti-Black, gay, woman, etc. They also maintain an excellent site for educators and schools called Teaching Tolerance. They have coved the ex-gay movement, but in their recent Intelligent Report, a quarterly print and web publication they provide a long article about the ex-gay movement as well as an interview with a former ex-gay leader through Desert Streams/Living Waters. I'm especially glad they included information about Living Waters. This program operates under the radar, has an international reach and does some of the most destructive forms of ministry I have seen. Lots of us were interviewed for the piece including Scott Tucker, Daniel Gonzales , Eric Leocadio and me, all of whom attended the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference this summer. Sadly they did not interview Christine Bakke. I find the lesbian perspective gets ignored many of these stories even after I...

Morgan Jon Fox recently created a blog for the film This is What Love in Action Looks Like and the other day I blogged about ways co-producer, Bruce Garrett and I have been trying to raise funds (including forcing Marvin into secretarial services.) (Daniel Gonzales left me a cryptic text message about the role of a Hollywood executive director, but it sounded more like fodder from an overwrought mind longing for the West Coast after moving to the mountains of Colorado. Maybe Joe G knows what Daniel is alluding to. Us North-East Quakers are out of the loop I guess.) Over at the film's blog, you can now donate via PayPal. The money goes to the editing of the film and costs associated with licensing. Hmmmm, maybe Willie Hewes will auction off a panel of her amazing work! (hint hint) You must read Willie's tender comic The Suckiest Angel and of course the now famous comic Free Z , which was inspired by the events that led to the 2005 protests. You can see the trailer for the...

Doug, one of my hosts here in Portland, jokingly confessed that he assumed I would spend my spare week here in his place in silent meditation filling his home with a mystical holy aroma, as if I were a plug-in spiritual fragrance--a Glad™ Prayer Freshener . Well, I do my part, but I can't take credit for the wafting up of any sacred scents. Yesterday Doug, his husband Bruce, and I went to West Hills Friends Church. This is a semi-programmed Quaker church. Unlike my normal Quaker meeting, this one has leaders who give sermons, lead songs, say prayers and do Bible readings. Lots more bells and whistles than I normally go for, but a great service all the same. They had about 20 minutes of silence, which I confess was my favorite part. I'm unprogrammed that way, but I can see the value of a semi-programmed meeting, especially for folks who are new to Quakerism. It can be daunting to pop into a Quaker meeting where no one starts anything. We just sit down in silence with no welcome...

I met up with Bruce Garrett this week in Baltimore. He and I are both executive producers of the film, This is What Love in Action Looks Like. (link to trailer below). The film follows the story of the 2005 protests in front of the ex-gay program Love in Action, protests sparked by the blog entries of a young 16 year-old whose parents forced him to attend the program for eight weeks. Morgan Jon Fox directs and edits the film and has been making good progress on it. He should have a version of it ready for preview by February and then it will have an official premiere at a film festival later in the years. As producers, Bruce and I have to produce money! Morgan works through the non-profit organization, the Memphis Digital Arts Co-op (MeDiA Co-op) and is housed in First Congregational Church in Memphis. Although the film operates on a very low budget, we still need to raise funds to cover licensing for music and TV footage, fees for entry into film festivals and money to cover some of...

On a recent trip I met a man who 25 years ago went into the closet and only reemerged over the past two years. He lived for a while as a gay man in the late 70's and then in the early 80's he fled the gay scene into a heterosexual marriage and deep into the closet. What a different world it was then. I was just graduating high school. To be gay meant to be reviled in most circles. Conservatism and the Religious Right rose to great power and wielded a long media arm that regularly bashed gays. The primary way that it seemed you could express your "gayness" was at a seedy gay bar or an even seedier adult book store. And of course AIDS hit with a fury and was quickly labeled a "gay disease" and God's judgment on homosexuals. Many gay men took flight and found refuge in a heterosexual cover or in the ex-gay movement (or both). It was about that time that LIFE Ministries in NYC began their ex-gay program, and I began to attend it. As a Christian struggling wi...

Bi- Coastal that is. This week I live on two coasts. I left Hartford (East Coast) on Monday morning and flew to Portland (West Coast) spent a day and then flew last night to Baltimore (East Coast) where I do a show at Goucher College tonight. Tomorrow I fly back to Portland (West Coast) to perform the Ho Ho Ho Mo No Mo Holiday Special at the Metropolitan Community Church. After that I stay in Oregon for 10 more days and will perform Transfigurations for the folks at the Sexual Minority Youth Resource Center ( SMYRC ) in Portland and Freedom Friends Church in Salem (where I get to see Peggy and Alivia and Roger and other cool people). Yesterday on a flight from Minneapolis (No Coast) to Baltimore, I worked on the Holiday Special and burst out laughing at some of the stuff I hope to do on Saturday. Of course Marvin is going to make a special appearance (as he recently did on Joe G's podcast Bored Beyond Belief ). Others include Chad, Vlad, Tex and Pastor Meadows. The Holiday Spe...

Left Behind--no not the widely successful yet poorly written Christian book series designed to frighten people into the Kingdom of Heaven. No the Left Behind Folks become collateral damage in the wake of a failed ex-gay life. Christine Bakke writes about a current story about a man who found Jesus and freedom from his homosexuality on Highway 35. The man, James, recently shared his story on Pat Robertson's Christian TV program. Several questions came up for Christine after she read James' story. It made me so sad to read parts of that. I mean, I'm happy that he feels like he's in a better place. But in the interview he gave for the CBN piece, he talks casually about being headed to meet his fiance (when he had his God encounter), but he doesn't mention anything about that situation now. These left behind ones many times end up also being ex-gay survivors. All I'll say about James' story is that so many of us have had huge emotional rides where we rode a wav...

The weekend I still have long to go, but I doubt I will take more photos as I will be quite busy tomorrow. On Friday I was in NYC and then today I was in the Catskills (about 100 miles NW of NYC) where I visited my dad and worked on my cottage. I have been trailed by a TV producer and film crew for an upcoming feature digging up my life in a difficult but also helpful way. Got lots of work done on the cottage while I also cleaned up some emotional clutter from the past. Amazing the amount of work I got done once the film crew showed up :-P The photos below are some artsy NYC shots, Christmas decorations by my dad on his house (it has a Candyland sort of theme to it IMHO), photos of my dad's cat (which was very lovey dovey) and a photo of my cottage. No time for more text. Must get to bed.