Peterson Toscano's A Musing

I head off to Portland, OR (one of my all time fav cities) on Thursday to attend and present at an amazing conference. Transforming Faith: Divining Gender - A three-day interfaith gathering in Portland, Oregon that seeks to: Educate communities of faith in the spectrum of gender identities and gender expressions Give tools and resources for supporting gender variant youth Dismantle binary gender constructs and their reign in misogyny and homophobia Nurture and empower transgender leadership. The keynote address will be offered by Dr. Virginia Ramey Mollenkott , author of 12 books, including Omnigender. Ah, Mollenkott, one of my heroes (sheroes?) I will present my play Transfigurations -- Transgressing Gender in the Bible and also co-facilitate a workshop with Rev. Allyson Robinson . Also presenting are New Testament scholar Dr. Mary Ann Tolbert, George H. Atkinson Professor of Biblical Studies at the Pacific School of Religion and Executive Director of the Center for Le...

Soulforce is gearing up for Equality Ride 2008. This gives a few young people an amazing opportunity to join in with others to visit college campuses that have traditionally closed their doors to LGBT students. Having met last year's crew, I felt so impressed by their passion, depth and integrity. It takes great sacrifice (about 6 weeks with training and on the road), but the Rides change lives, both for the riders and the people who meet them. Soulforce has begun taking applications for Equality Ride fall 2008 In just two years, the Equality Ride has become a national forum wherein discourse about diversity is beholden to truth. And now, the journey continues. This fall, another bus of young adults will ride to illuminate the doctrinal roots of LGBT oppression. In the places they will visit, survival can mean enduring anything from harassment to codified discrimination. As the South has a distinct legacy of political, religious, and social conservatism, which further informs LGBT...

Over at Beyond Ex-Gay , Christine Bakke wrote a n excellent article (accompanied with original artwork) about how ex-gay programs take Freudian theories then mix them up with often bizarre and even dangerous practices. I knew one women whose therapist gave her assignments to flirt with men. An ex-gay guy who went on several dates to try to learn how to be with a woman (without disclosing that he identified as ex-gay), on the recommendation of his therapist. A woman who was counseled by the leader of the ex-gay group that women should wear makeup ("need to put some paint on the side of the barn"). A man who changed his last name because his ex-gay therapy led him to believe that his parents were to blame for him being gay. A woman who insinuated that she had been abused because she felt like her story didn't "fit" the ex-gay model without some kind of a root cause. A young man who said that after he got out of the ex-gay movement and was finished with reparative...

Shortly after I reported that John Smid had resigned from Love in Action, lots of folks have speculated as to the reasons. We may know soon enough. Yesterday evening I heard from someone who had read the letter that went out to supporters announcing John's resignation, who told me it does not take effect until July. Perhaps we will know more when the program makes their official public statement in their newsletter in April. Last summer John gave a talk about masturbation where he made what sounded to me and many others bizarre references to his wife and to her vagina. Since the news broke of John's resignation, stories have begun to swirl along with jokes quoting John's talk. For me perhaps some of this vagina talk would be funny right now if I didn't know John Smid and especially his wife. She is a lovely, kind woman. I also was married to a woman when I was ex-gay, and she suffered greatly because of my gay orientation and our failed marriage. I suffered greatly too...

Someone has to make the mockumentary, Not Another Ex-Gay Movie! The film festival circuit is about to be glutted with a rush of ex-gay docs and films. Although I have yet to see it, I hear wonderful things about Jessica Yu's film Protagonist , which features four very different men who each follow a similar journey. One of the subjects is Mark Pierpoint, a former ex-gay and ex-gay minister. The newest ex-gay doc to hit the screens is Bill Hussung and Mishara Canino's Chasing the Devil: Inside the Ex-Gay Movement which premieres March 29th at the Birmingham SHOUT Gay & Lesbian Film Festival . CHASING THE DEVIL: INSIDE THE EX-GAY MOVEMENT is a feature documentary film presenting an unflinching look at the personal journeys of four people who claim to have changed their sexual orientation from gay to straight. Their stories mark the first time documentary filmmakers have been allowed inside the “ex-gay” movement and provide an empathetic and, at times, devastating portrait o...

I am running to do a show and just got a voice mail from a former Love in Action staff member who said, "I'm sure you heard the news, but if not, you may be interested to know that John Smid resigned from Love in Action." John Smid served as the Executive director and CEO of Love in Action in Memphis, TN. When I know more, I'll let you know or post what you know in comments. UPDATE: I found out that in one of Love in Action's last mailings to supporters, they made the announcement that John Smid planned to retire and move onto other things but did not specify what these things might be. I truly hope John gets out of the ex-gay work. He's done it for over 14 years, and I have always had the sense that he has wanted to be a proper minister in a church with a congregation and all. We'll see what he does next. The challenge when someone is an ex-gay leader (or even an ex-gay critic) for awhile is trying to determine what to do next. It is such an alternate uni...

From Urban Dictionary Phallic Fruit Fetish -- A "disorder" popularized by gay Quaker performing artist Peterson Toscano in his play " Doin' Time the Homonomo Halfway House " about his time spent as a patient in a Christian residential program to "cure" gay people. Another resident in the program suffered from Phallic Fruit Fetish (or PFF) and had a persistent desire to commit sexual acts with phallically shaped fruits. The problem was alleviated when all phallic shaped fruits were removed from the facility. Rev. Smid ordered all bananas removed from the house upon learning of a patient's phallic fruit fetish. And as I have Chad explain in the play, He had a PFF, a Phallic Fruit Fetish, but he had a really serious case of it that actually extended into the vegetable word. As a result, no cucumbers, no zucchini, no carrots--oh, except for the little min...

Over at Beyond Ex-Gay we have posted several narratives of ex-gay survivors . Many of these include lots of details about the struggle over faith and sexuality which compelled the struggler to pursue change and to receive help from reparative therapists and ex-gay ministers. I think about how I used to tell my story assuming that the primary motivation to aspire to a non-gay life was my faith struggle. After years of unpacking the story, answering many many questions about my experiences, I have grown to understand that the faith issue stood among several key factors that influenced my 17-year quest to be ex-gay. A friend recently submitted his ex-gay survivor narrative to me. He writes well about his experience as a missionary and in the church as well as in various ex-gay ministries. I will gladly post it as is, but I also know that the writing process gives us an opportunity to unearth more about our histories. The primary goal I see is that by telling our stories, we will underst...

Below are some important videos that address ex-gay stuff AND when you are done, at the very bottom, see Christine Bakke's handiwork. Over at YouTube ProfMTH put up a movie review of the anti-gay propaganda movie Sodom and Gomorrah. No it is not one of the Biblical porn films Love in Action forbade us from watching, rather a contemporary story about the lavender menace threatening the world as we know it. I felt especially pleased when I heard the reviewer referenced the apologies of former ex-gay leaders that Beyond Ex-Gay and Soulforce featured at our press conference last June in LA. Next we have a video brought to us by Daniel Gonzales over at Box Turtle Bulletin . This one features Jeff Williamson. Christine writes an EXCELLENT post inspired by this video. Daniel writes, When Jeff Williamson of Denver came out to his parents a year ago they sent him to see Christian counselor Bob Hudson whom they had been referred to through Focus On The Family. Jeff, who knew there’s no...

In my play, The Re-Education of George W. Bush—No President Left Behind , my character Chad offers an environmental lesson. His primary point outlines how being a vegan helps the planet. In his deliciously flaming style he states that, Gas from cars has a significantly less impact on the planet than that emitted from cows in the forms of burps and farts. And as I say the line, I put my left hand to my mouth ( for burps) and then down by my behind (for farts) and add, "I think that's the sign language for those." After last night's performance, two women approached me and said that they knew American Sign Language. One asked if I wanted to learn the actual signs for burp and fart . Um, yeah! So next time you see the show, if you don't know them already, you will also learn these signs. Brilliant. The Chad environmental lesson serves as a pivotal scene in the performance because it is the first lesson that does not simply target the president. It speaks directly t...

WV=West Virginia. I spent the past few days in Huntington in order to present Doin' Time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House at Marshall College. The weather there remained wet but warm in the upper 60's. Now back in Hartford the temperature hovers slightly above freezing with a wicked wind and the threat of snow. I will spend much of the day indoors doing chores, listening to fabulous music and prepping for my show tomorrow in Hartford-- The Re-Education of George W. Bush . I met such lovely people in Huntington, WV. Rebbeca from the LGBT Outreach Center has a fine taste in music (Spoon was playing in her car when she picked me up!) and a deep curiosity about the gnostic Gospels. On Wednesday night at a club club called Luna (with some fine music of their own, kick-butt hummus, and some of the best gins on the planet) a small group of us sat on the couches and talked about faith, queer issues and the ex-gay movement. Justin, a volunteer at the LGBTO Center joined me for dinner th...

Thursday March 20, 2008 8:30 PM The Gay Spirit Radio Program WWUH 91.5 FM Hartford CT Greater Hartford's only gay news program featuring contemporary issues, music, and special guests will interview Peterson Toscano about his play The Re-Education of George W. Bush--No President Left Behind! in advance of his Hartford performance. Peterson will also talk about Deconstructing the Ex-Gay Myth which took place in Memphis in February. This program can only be heard live. Visit the station's web page to hear it live and streaming.

I often receive e-mails from former ex-gays and current ex-gays asking me about my experience. Yesterday I got one such e-mail that got me thinking deeply about my time at Love in Action, an ex-gay residential program in Memphis, TN. Although the message I received starts out accusatory, it quickly becomes more thoughtful. I sense the person genuinely desires to hear about my experience and dialogue. What I appreciate his message is that in it he shares some of his journey and the reasons behind it. I thought his questions helpful, so I want to share them with you along with my answer. I have removed his name and the year he attended LIA. (photos are from the renovation of my cottage) I attended Love in Action in August 20xx. What I don't understand is why you have so many negative things to say about LIA. I hope you remember that you choose to attend the program and were not forced into attending. You should respect other peoples decisions to live for God and change their lives. I...

Before I forget, check out Horton Hears a Who . Amazing with a wonderful queer subplot if I ever saw one. I remember when I first came out as gay. Filled with residual shame and still believing all the myths about LGBT people, I hated the idea of being part of the gay world which I assumed had at the center of its universe a bar (a smoky bar at that filled with catty drag queens and drug addicts.) I have been fortunate though and have experienced all sorts of LGBT people throughout the US, Canada, Europe, West Africa and the Caribbean and have discovered that I need never enter a bar to meet up with brilliant, interesting and thoughtful LGBT people. But I can also meet amazing people at bars too. Also, some drag queens radiate the love of God and a stellar intellect and killer wit. I can meet LGBT folks at book clubs and film festivals, in cafes and at poetry jams, gay bingo, and at community centers, in churches, choirs, theater productions, anti-war rallies, food pantries, orchid soc...

Randy Thomas, the executive vice president of Exodus and an ex-gay yesterday answered some questions about transgender children for Focus on the Family's CitizensLink on-line newsletter . Throughout the article I see evidence of confusion, misinformation and downright fear. Hearkening back to the 50's and 60's Thomas laments, With my parents' generation — the boomers and older — there were deeply taught gender roles, but that started breaking down with Gen X. Now people don’t know how to teach being a male or a female to younger males or younger females. His answers quickly turn to highlighting lavender scare of gay activists in the school system and the fears he has of the consequence of letting young people decide for themselves if they are a boy or a girl, The schools are being co-opted by a worldview that is undermining a child’s ability to learn how to be a responsible citizen, and they are going to create chaos. Teenagers are confused enough about their identity; ...

Momma is in town from LA this week for the True Colors Conference . The big day of the conference was today, and of course Momma was the bell of the ball with THREE costume changes. I did a workshop about the ex-gay movement and then performed Transfigurations . I am pooped and heading to bed because we have another full day tomorrow at the conference then we will drive to my father's house. I thought it was time to bring Momma home to meet the family :-p

The other day I updated the performance schedule to include shows in Rochester, NY, Johnstown, PA, the Twin Cities, MN, and Canterbury, England. Currently I perform four different productions and do talks (and somehow I don't mix them up). I'm especially pleased they I was invited to give a plenary address at the Friends General Conference (Quaker). As a Quaker, I have presented more and more at Quaker venues the past two years although I mostly do non-Quaker gigs. I actually find some Quaker venues to be the most challenging for me. Most Quakers who have seen my work seem to get what I do and enjoy it, but I have had more offense from Quakers than from any other type of audience member. Some Quakers find comedy to be violent or get so caught up in words that they can miss the point. Also, when I talk about LGBT issues, I have gotten a strange resistance among some liberal Quakers. They express sentiments like, "Oh, we don't need that message. We have done a lot of ...

Last week I blogged about Alan Chambers and his announcement that Exodus was moving away from politics. Through Ex-Gay Watch Alan Chambers asserted that after listening to friends and critics alike — but mostly the Lord — we decided to back out of policy issues and our Director of Government Affairs took a position with another organization. Today David Roberts at Ex-Gay Watch reports that Exodus continues to maintain ties with a politically active conservative group. After XGW discovered information indicating that Exodus International is a member of the prominent religious conservative political organization, The Arlington Group (AG), we asked President Alan Chambers to respond on the record. He replied that Exodus was indeed a member, and they planned on maintaining that membership. Publicly Alan stated that he was willing to take a leap of faith. He suggested that the Lord was behind this decision to back out of policy issues. The author of James asks the critical question, But...

Many lesbian, gay and bisexual folks live with internalized homophobia. We grow up in a society that insists that heterosexuality is the approved norm, and anything other than it is not only "less than" but actually a perversion. Even when we did not hear bad things said about gays, lesbians and bisexuals, we have almost exclusively heard good things about heterosexuals while virtually nothing positive about people not heterosexual. We experienced heterosexual lives, loves, and desires prominently celebrated in pop songs, romantic comedies, religious services and billions of images. We got the message that non-heterosexuals were not fully human. I do not understand why the weight of heterosexism and homophobia affects some people more than others. Some of us actually have taken an aggressive stance to rid ourselves of our same-sex attractions and gender differences. We went to war with a part of ourselves. We called that part of ourselves Our Enemy. We demeaned it, hated it ...

Jacob Wilson attended Love in Action the summer of 2005. He recently came public with his story in the Memphis Commercial Appeal and at a press conference during Deconstructing the Ex-Gay Myth—A Weekend of Action & Art . You can see Jacob here with his boyfriend Ryan, who is holding the Christian & Gay sign. While in Memphis for the weekend, in addition to leading a round table discussion about youth issues at Love in Action, Jacob also agreed to be interviewed by Jim Burroway of Box Turtle Bulletin . In the following video Jacob shares about his ex-gay past and his parents' role in encouraging change. Then he discusses the changes he actually experienced and that feeling of dying inside. Jacob doesn't need to come forward to tell his story. His generosity helps so many people. His story shows the anguish someone goes through when they feel the conflict over their sexuality as well as the trials they endure when they attend programs like Love in Action. In hearing h...

Michelle at Quasifictional has a post up about gender and some of what she has learned in the recent past since getting turned onto the Trans-ponder podcast hosted by Mila and Jayna (you girls rock, and your podcast never disappoints!) Michelle includes fascinating links about gynecomastia, a condition of enlarged male breasts, including the story of a Christian man with the condition who has struggled to know how to respond. Really great stuff, thought provoking and mind expanding. (She even refers to Inga Muscio , my shero) Yesterday I spent the day in NYC and got to talk to several people about my Transfigurations play and the shift that I have taken to move away from my role in telling my own story as a former ex-gay to focus more on gender issues. There's been great injustice against trans people among LGB folks and lots of misinformation. After two days of wet and cold weather, I have put on my PJs and crawled up on the couch with a cup of tea and a new book, Capote in K...

Daniel Gonzales of Box Turtle Bulletin interviewed John Holm, an ex-gay survivor who traveled to Memphis from Illinois to be part of the big weekend . John also attended last summer's Ex-Gay Survivor Conference and is a fellow Quaker. In this video he speaks a little bit about his ex-gay experiences, dating women and Quakerism. Thank you John for stepping up and telling some of your story!

We have had some time to reflect on the big weekend in Memphis and the events surrounding Deconstructing the Ex-Gay Myth—A Weekend of Action & Art . Christine and I have spent much of the day building some new web pages to give folks a sense of what took place during the weekend. Check out our Memphis photo album with lots of super photos thanks to Bruce Garrett. See video of the press conference and gallery walk Learn more about the Chalk Talk and see up close what people have to say about their ex-gay experiences Read a list of options for ex-gay survivors to consider for their recovery process We will have information soon about upcoming Beyond Ex-Gay events April 6, 2008 Portland, OR May 26, 2008 Barcelona, Spain October 23, 2008 Nashville, TN

I keep having to remind myself that it is not even a full year since Christine Bakke and I launched Beyond Ex-Gay (bXg) and the Ex-Gay Survivor Movement . That was in April of 2007 after an all night crazy session where we posted nearly 30 pages of content in eight hours. Now we have over 120 pages of content with loads of narratives, art work, articles and resources. Soon we will have a recap of what happened in Memphis with photos, video and more. After the launch of bXg, we partnered with Soulforce and UC Irvine's LGBT resource center to organize the first ever Ex-Gay Survivor Conference in Irvine, CA. By choosing to have it in the same city and the same week as Exodus' annual conference, we saw the beginnings of a deeper sharing that previously had not taken place between ex-gay leaders and ex-gay survivors. By telling our stories through art, in the media, over dinner , in a chalk talk, apologies , through video and written narratives, our message has been that for man...

Well, that is not exactly true, it was a Christian Liberal Arts College and I was trying to be ex-gay. Putting me in the dorm with the entire soccer team and an old-fashion communal shower stall sorely tested my resolve. Those were the days of the 5am two minute showers. My roommate, an Italian bodybuilder with skimpy nylon shorts even in the dead of winter, knew of my "struggles." I had explained it all to him on our first day rooming. That didn't get him to put on anymore clothes. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. Nyack College , in Nyack, NY. I attended for two years. Well, I nearly completed one year when after repeated falls from grace, the dean of students asked me to withdraw lest I be kicked out. After a summer of intensive counseling with my pastor, Nyack took me back, but this time into Simpson Hall, where they had private shower stalls and music majors. During my second year at Nyack I fell in love with a boy, dated a girl, and kept all m...

Last weekend in Memphis Beyond Ex-Gay held a regional gathering for ex-gay survivors and allies. Like at last summer's Ex-Gay Survivor Conference we also did a Chalk Talk, which is a visual conversation done on a wall. Anyone can write a word, phrase or image about the prompt. They can also connect thoughts. This time we chose for our prompt Ex-Gay Experiences . Daniel Gonzales of Box Turtle Bulletin took some footage of the Chalk Talk once we finished. Christine blogged about the experience here . The power about a Chalk Talk is that everyone can add what they like. Also, their words stay out there. With the Ex-Gay Survivor Movement one of the things we hope to see is ex-gay leaders and others who promote ex-gay therapies to listen to the words and stories of ex-gay survivors. Here is a wonderful opportunity.