Peterson Toscano's A Musing

For the past few days I´ve been thinking about a funny moment in my childhood that I am trying to capture in words. In my poem I reference Necco wafers. This particular candy we ate a lot when we were little. According to Necco´s webiste, Necco Assorted Wafers come in eight pastel colors and flavors--Chocolate, lemon, lime, orange, clove, wintergreen, cinnamon, licorice I never actually knew what the falvors were until today. You can learn more here . Now that you know a little about Necco Wafers, I can share my poem. Jesus in the Backseat The noxious incense from her cigarette, Mixed with the sweet smoky puffs from his pipe, Envelops us inside the Airtight car. We return from pilgramage, From the Hawaiian Fountain , Where we celebrated mass Consumption around the flamming Pu Pu Platter. We three kids Sit in the backseat, Cautiously placing Necco Wafers On each other´s tongue, As one intones-- The body of Christ. The body of Christ. We feel the chalky disc dissolve. With our tongues ...

I arrived safe and sound in Barcelona and will be part of a press conference today about our upcoming conference: Teràpies reparatives per l’homosexualitat Perquè existeixen i quins perills representen or in English Gay to Straight Therapies --The reasons they exist and their potential harm. Already I met three ex-gay survivors in Catonia who have shared their stories with me. One has agreed to come forward at the press conference and at Friday´s conference to talk about his experiences of 10 years of reparative therapy. We met for dinner last night, and I experienced a certain kinship with these other ex-gay survivors both because of the similar route we had taken and some similar negative consequences we now deal with including physical problems like back pain, skin conditions, etc. We can´t say for certain that there exists a direct correlation between our physical ailments and our ex-gay experiences, but many startd up when we began to pursue ex-gay treatment. For me my lower back ...

My friend and fellow blogger, Joe Moderate , in responding to a recent press appearance of Exodus staff member and ex-gay Mike Ensley, shares some more of his own ex-gay experiences and why he ultimately left. After five years with Exodus, I left because my orientation hadn't changed at all. The orientations of my friends in the programs hadn't changed. Moreover, I had come to learn that the orientation of the leaders of Exodus hadn't changed. Everyone was still gay. I was so disillusioned that the "change" Exodus had claimed was possible hadn't happened, and I was stunned by the fact that no one in Exodus seemed to have experience the "change"! My questions about the elusiveness of "change" were met with confusing, convoluted explanations similar to Mike Ensley's words in the radio interview. On one hand, Exodus leaders argued that that gay orientation is a fiction--that it doesn't actually exist--and therefore, since no one in Ex...

I have the privilege of speaking in middle schools and high schools in various places in the US, the UK and Europe. When I meet with a group of high school students (ages 14+), I typically perform my play Queer 101—Now I Know My gAy,B,Cs . This one-person, multi-character comedy explores homophobia, identity and activism through the words and lives of lesbian and gay poets. In it I do the scene between my character Chad and the Spanish poet Federico Garcia Lorca. (See video here .) We also explore tems like gay, fag, queer, sissy, dyke, etc. With younger students I do not present the whole play as some of it may be over their heads (more so because the complex historical background to some of the poems and less so about the sexual content). With middle school students (under age 14) we look at identity starting out with considering things about ourselves that we don't like that we might like to change (hair color, height, abilities, etc). Next I do my Identity Monologue with the s...

The US-based ex-gay movement has attempted to make inroads into Spain and Latin America in the past. Exodus Global Alliance (then just Exodus International) sent Jose Luis Maccarone as an ex-gay missionary to Spain. He eventually came out and tells some of his story in this YouTube video . At the end of 2007 a news story hit about a priest doing ex-gay therapy in Galicia, Spain. Just yesterday I also read about ex-gay movement afoot in Mexico . Beyond Ex-Gay working with other LGBT-affirming organizations in Catalonia, Spain has organized a conference at the University of Barcelona on May 30, 2008. Teràpies reparatives per l’homosexualitat Gay to Straight Therapies Perquè existeixen i quins perills impliquen The reasons they exist and their potential harm This conference will consider the phenomenon of gay reparative therapies, discredited treatment plans that attempt to alter a homosexual orientation and identity. Presenters will explore the various types of treatments that have been...

After spending very special days with Alie and Jo in Wakefield and Leeds, I arrived in Belfast yesterday. I have dreamed for a long time to come to this city. It has felt like a leading and a longing, and I am not sure why. I know that my friend Ruth Ann has said many times that she sees the need for work around LGBT issues in Northern Ireland where she had lived most of her life. Last summer at Greenbelt when I met some people from the Belfast-based Ikon group (community?), I felt even more drawn to Northern Ireland. From their own wiki page , they provide a picture of who they are and what they seek to do. Inhabiting a space on the outer edges of religious life, we are a Belfast-based collective who offer anarchic experiments in transformance art. Challenging the distinction between theist and atheist, faith and no faith our main gathering employs a cocktail of live music, visual imagery, soundscapes, theatre, ritual and reflection in an attempt to open up the possibility of a theo...

In a post written for Ex-Gay Watch , former Ex-Gay Noe Gutierrez provides thoughtful insights into the ex-gay experiences. Much of what he says resonates deeply with my own experience. He fills his article with rich commentary that I wish to explore for myself. I will start with this one quote. Set against a biblical contrast of right versus wrong, ex-gay ministries often draw a direct link between the quality of a person’s faith and their commitment to make a choice in the “straight” direction. This value system often results in the ex-gay person being caught by a cycle of perpetual self-evaluation. Compelled to dissect every thought, every word, and every deed into these black or white categories, the life of an ex-gay can become all about choosing sides. With homosexuality as the target, the goal then becomes to eradicate all thoughts and behaviors associated with “wrong” sexual attraction. This becomes the “calling” of the ex-gay person who finds their purpose in the process of se...

I announced yesterday that Christine Bakke will be interviewed live tomorrow (Sat) on Blogtalk Live at 8:00 PM EST. She will talk about the Beyond Ex-Gay and her own story in a program about the Ex-Gay Myth. On Sunday I will appear on BBC Radio Ulster in Northern Ireland on the Sunday Sequence Show with William Crawley . We taped the segment last week when I was in London and talked about The Re-Education of George W. Bush, living la vida ex-gay, Quakerism and other random topics. The program runs from 8:30 am- 10:15 am but I don't know in what portion I will appear. I think they also archive most programs. You can have a listen here .

Christine Bakke , co-founder of Beyond Ex-Gay will appear as a guest of Blogtalk Live on-line radio program. This week on 'Talk Back Live' we will be discussing 'The Ex-Gay Myth', our special guest will be Christine Bakke from Beyond Ex-Gay . We will be discussing the half truths that come out of the ex-gay world, including those who have survived the false claims of Ex-gay Ministries. I will also share my story, of how I got involved in the Ex-Gay world, and how it was Ex-Gay people like D.L. Foster and Charlene Cothran that really showed me, that this whole ex-gay thing was false. The fun gets started on May 17th, at 8pm EST. As always feel free to call in and join in on the conversation. You can listen live here (and the show will also be archived)

I am sure most of you have heard the good news about the California Supreme Court ruling in favor of in favor of the marriage lawsuit jointly brought by Rev. Troy Perry, founder of the Metropolitan Community Church (MCC), and his spouse, Phillip Ray De Blieck, along with MCC friend and LGBT activist Robin Tyler, and her partner, Diane Olson. (Read story here ) This is from the letter issued by Nancy Wilson, the current moderator of the MCC, Equality for all people, including marriage equality, has been an integral part of Troy's passion and ministry for almost 40 years. It's worth remembering that in 1969, as the Stonewall Rebellion took place in New York City, Troy was already organizing the LGBT community in Southern California, had already established Metropolitan Community Churches -- and had performed what Time Magazine has credited as the first public same-sex wedding in the United States. All before Stonewall -- amazing! And in January of 1970, Troy made history again w...

Since going public with the story of my ex-gay journey (odyssey?), one of the most encouraging signs I have seen is the large number of people who have come forward to tell share their own stories. In addition to ex-gay survivors , we see many concerned citizens writing and speaking out against the de-gayification process and the forces behind it. (Just this week former ex-gay Noé Gutierrez added his own perspective.) Pam Spaulding , the guys at Good as Gay , Jim at Straight Not Narrow , Joe Brummer , Bruce Garrett , and of course Jim Burroway along with Timothy Kincaid and Daniel Gonzales over at Box Turtle Bulletin , and so many others have consistently reported on the ex-gay movement. Two individuals who have contributed tremendously are Mike Airhart, (founder of Ex-Gay Watch, which continues to serve as an ex-gay watchdog under the management Dave Roberts) and Wayne Besen, who heads up Truth Wins Out . Besen is also the author of Anything But Straight—Unmasking the Lies and Scan...

The past 24 hours I have felt like crap. Not physically but emotionally, well in a vague undefined way. Typically I hone in pretty quickly on what bothers me on the inside, but sometimes I remain unaware only feeling a somewhat distant muffled malaise. My mother always sensed when something troubled me. Even hundreds of miles away on the phone she knew something was not right with me. Often she picked up on the chronic melancholy stemming from my ex-gay struggles that I often kept to myself (and even hid from myself). Typically I attempted a cheery front that she dented with her question, "Are you sure everything is alright?" I don't remember a time when she got it wrong. Here in beautiful Oxford, England with perfect spring weather, quaint cafes, and a lovely place to stay in the Friends Meeting House my unease has grown and finally has become obvious to me. Bottom line—I miss my mom. Although the English did not celebrate Mother's Day yesterday, from the spam alone...

Gay Christian Network Radio offers program entitled: Formerly Ex-Gay Ann Phillips was a leader in the ex-gay movement, heading up the women's ministry at one of the most prominent ex-gay Christian ministries in the world. Her story of "becoming straight" has been used by many to "prove" that ex-gay therapy works, yet now she's out of the movement and admits that she's still gay (and Christian!) after all. In the interview, she talks about her ex-gay experience and in particular how quickly became the head of Love in Action's women's ministry. She also shares about being a subject in the Spitzer Study and the blurred line between truth and fiction when it comes to ex-gay testimony. Listen here .

I spent an excellent day in London today with Auntie Doris , who is sitting next to me right now debating right now if she should blog. I was booked to present at the Courage meeting in the evening, and I also had an interview for BBC radio Ulster (Northern Ireland and will air on Sunday May 18). Auntie witnessed me as I moved through various degrees of personal energy conservation and distribution. I forced Auntie Doris into a vegan restaurant, a lovely Thai/Chinese vegan buffet with excellent fresh food. YUM! We walked around a bit and landed in a Starbucks (mainly because of the large plush chairs). After my soy latte, I fell fast asleep. We wandered some more and landed in Convent Gardens then the National Portrait Gallery. The whole time I kept my energy to myself, conserving as I knew I needed to have a reserve for later in the day. As we got closer to 5 pm for the BBC interview, I began to awake and animate. Being a medium to low energy person, I have to build up the energy leve...

Gabriel Arana spent three years as a patient of Joseph Nicolosi, former president of the National Association for the Research and Treatment of Homosexuality. Gabriel, a Cornell University 2006 PhD graduate in linguistics, recently chose to tell his story in the Cornell Daily Sun. For three years I had weekly sessions with Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, president of the National Association for the Research and Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH). Dr. Nicolosi thought that homosexuality was a pathology, a sublimated desire to reconnect with one’s lost masculinity. The theory: under-attentive fathers and over-attentive mothers create gay children. The purpose of therapy was to put me in touch with my masculine identity and thereby change my sexual orientation. I would like to say that I resisted therapy throughout, but the truth is that I liked and respected Dr. Nicolosi. And the theory sounded plausible (I was too young to know that plausible does not mean true). It is a period in my life that I do...

The Advocate magazine published long article about ex-gays and ex-gay survivors and the changing landscape of the ex-gay movement. They quote quite a lot of people including Christine Bakke and me. (They often overlook the lesbians, so I am so glad they gave her plenty of space to share). For more than a year, the website BeyondExGay.com has been a virtual gathering point for ex-gay survivors, many of whom now picket ex-gay ministries events and conferences and attempt to share their stories with attendees. Beyond Ex-Gay also holds conferences of its own. “Our primary goal is being a support group for ex-gay survivors,” says Toscano. Like Christine Bakke, who runs the group with him, he attended ex-gay ministries for years before finally accepting his gayness. “Our secondary goal,” Toscano adds, “is to talk about the harm of reparative therapy” -- therapy meant to de-gay you --“in ex-gay ministries.” The reporter, Tim Murphy, spent time getting to ...

Today Christine Bakke pointed out to me that my blog will turn four years old this month (May 25th to be exact when I posted my first entry as a virgin blogger .) I originally only planned on posting poetry, but turned to prose at some point. To commemorate the upcoming birthday, I will post a poem, a love poem at that. (But that is all you get--love poems are intimate affairs). Kisses, Not stolen, Freely given—freely received, Stored in bulk, Easily accessible day and night. Uncovered, the smooth glass jar, (Larger than our two heads lying on the same pillow as we speak truth with our eyes,) Contains our love. Take what you need, what you want, Whenever, Day or night. Take a pinch or a heaping scoopful. Take, Eat, Drink. You cannot steal what is already yours. Also to celebrate I want to share the following poem, A Joyful Occasion by Seth. Seth is a trans man with a Mormon background. Of the poem Seth says, This is a stychomythic poem where two poems are read independently and then t...

For the first time since the 2005 summer protests in front of Love in Action, Zach Stark, who was 16 at when he was placed in LIA, is now 19 and speaks out in this new clip from Morgan Fox's film, This is What Love in Action Looks Like . Morgan first showed this clip in February during Deconstructing the Ex-Gay Myth—A Weekend of Action & Art in Memphis, TN. Daniel Gonzales at Box Turtle Bulletin posted a video about how he believed his orientation had begun to believe he was changing when he received reparative therapy. Oftentimes when I meet someone who’s been through ex-gay therapy I ask them if they ever reached the point where they believed they were beginning to change — It’s how I gauge just how deeply they got into the whole “ex-gay thing.” Ex-gay leaders often assert, “change is possible and I’m proof because I changed.” In my opinion the strongest response is “I too once believed I had changed.” Here’s my own explanation of how I believed I had changed: Daniel also u...

The LOGO program Be Real will feature ex-gay survivors and me in their second episode. I won't get to see it myself, but I know my dad will be featured in it along with Christine Bakke , Scott Tucker and John Holm . If you see it, let me know how it came out. Episode 2 - New Beginnings Peterson Toscano spent the better part of 17 years in the "ex gay" movement struggling to change his sexuality. Now, after 5 years of performing his one person show, aimed at inspiring other ex-gay survivors to come out and tell their stories, he is ready to pass the torch and move on. Stephen, a 45-year-old former Mormon, decides to attend an all men's workshop in central Utah to learn how to confront his past and heal painful family memories. Mon 05/05 10:00 PM Wed 05/07 7:00 PM Sat 05/10 10:00 PM Mon 05/12 7:30 PM (Oh, and to see some photos of Auntie Doris and Me in St. Albans and Windsor and on the party boat last night, go here .) UPDATE: You can now view on-line vid...

It is just lovely here in St. Albans, England with so many cool LGBTIQ Christians from all over Europe . (I got an invite to Malta in July!!) I got LOADS of time with Auntie Doris (in fact I will hang out with her next week after my trip to visit John Henson in Southern Wales.) I also got to hang out with Nancy Wilson, the moderator of the Metropolitan Church. She had come to the Ex-Gay Survivor's Conference last June, so we were finally able to catch up. Last week I performed my last performance of Doin' Time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House and tonight I made my UK premiere of Transfigurations—Transgressing Gender in the Bible . These are such different pieces that my fear has been that people who have seen Homo No Mo come in expecting much of the same zany, piled on humor. Transfigurations is nothing like that. It functions more as a drama than a comedy with a slow, steady, meditative pace to it. As a performer, I don't have the advantage of hearing the audience laugh,...