Peterson Toscano's A Musing

After a whirlwind adventure in Washington, DC, which included a heated toilet seat with special cleansing superpowers, I landed in Seattle, Washington with a full blown case of the cold. Fortunately I had a full two days with nothing to do but indulge in a NyQuil induced coma. I emerged 48 hours later c0ld-free but muddy in the head. One stiff cup of a Seattle soy latte cleared away the funk and gave me liquid courage to explore the city. The Gender Odyssey Conference began today with registration and meet & greet. I saw Katie, partner to Paige, so I didn't feel so all alone and awkward. Tomorrow I will attend a few different workshops including, one on being Genderqueer and another on Class, poverty and the trans community. I will leave the conference right after lunch to head two hours north to Blaine, Washington near the Canadian border where I will perform at a music festival (well with some comedy thrown in). With Tropical Storm Gustav threatening to slam into the Gulf Co...

Nearly every day straight women visit my blog after putting in a search like, "my husband is gay" or something similar. In November of 2006 Susanne shared some of her story and since then other women (and men) have also read about Susanne's marriage and her gay husband. These have also shared some of their own stories. Earlier a woman left the following comment. Betrayal by my husband of 28 years is devastating. He hid his gay life for years... He lied over and over and over. And put my health/life at risk. I am hurt to the core and don't know how to get through this and ever trust and love again... How do you get over the feelings of hurt, rage, anger, sorrow, inadequacy, disgust, sadness, etc.? Please feel free to go to the blog entry and add your own supportive comments, words of comfort and maybe share some of your own experience as a straight spouse or just someone who cares. Often when these women first find out, they struggle to share with anyone in their l...

On Monday I begin a three city tour of my new play, a one-person, multi-character, multi-gender play, Transfigurations — Transgressing Gender in the Bible , which explores the lives of transgender Bible characters. On Tuesday August 26, 2008 I will present the play at the headquarters of the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) 1640 Rhode Island Ave, Washington, DC. An hors d’oeuvres reception begins at 5:30 PM with the performance starting at 6:00 pm. On Wednesday I fly to Seattle, Washington for the Gender Odyssey Conference where I will mostly soak in the many amazing workshops, but I will also offer Transfigurations as a workshop on Sunday afternoon. Then I fly to New Orleans to take part in the Many Stories One Voice Conference . In addition to performing Transfigurations, I will also attend and present at For Such a Time as This: A Transgender Pre-Event. The last time I presented the play was earlier in the summer in Malta. The response there surprised me with many people telling me how...

Doin' it meaning worship that is. As many of you know I am a member of the Religious Society of Friends (aka Quakers). I came to the Quakers as a refugee after a religious odyssey that took me from Roman Catholicism to Fundamentalism to Evangelicalism to Pentecostalism to Anglicanism and ultimately (or penultimately?) to Quakerism. A long and winding road indeed. I do not regret any of the stops I made although some proved more useful than others. For me the Quaker way provides something other than a belief structure. We don't have any established creeds to which we ascribe or affirm. Each Quaker has his or her own beliefs, but we do hold onto values that we have grown to cherish through the years (peace, integrity, simplicity, etc). It has also proved to be a healthy environment for me as a person who is gay. But if you want to see a Quaker sputter a bit, ask the Friend, "So what do Quakers believe?" It's kind of like asking vegans, "So what kind of meat do...

I warn you that none of this may make sense. (But I do have a butt/bum joke embedded in my little sermon below) I've been reading the words of Jesus a lot lately (at least those recorded in five different Gospels--Matthew, Mark, Luke, John and Thomas) in the shocking and lovely book Good As New: A Radical Retelling of the Scriptures . My reading mixed with conversations with folks in Malta on Guernsey and England has gotten me to think in a new direction (well new for me). For weeks I have reflected and spoke about the miracle of the loaves and the fishes. ( Auntie Doris heard this one over and over and over again) Here is one version of the story in Mark 8:1-10 (form Good as New version.) It was during this visit abroad that Jesus again found himself with a large crowd of hungry people. Jesus called his friends together and said, "I'm concerned about all these people who've been with me for three days and haven't eaten. If I send them away hungry some may collap...

Recently in Frostburg, MD on an excursion to Mainstreet Books , one of the finest independent bookstores I've been to for some time, a poet who accompanied me slipped a copy of The Collected Poems of Constantine Cavafy , a new translation by Aliki Barnstone (read review here ). Cavafy, the 20th Century Greek writer, who lived unashamedly with his gay side (well openly for the most part), always drew me since I read his poem Ithaka for a college course on Odysseus. ( Hear it read in English by Sean Connery or in the original Greek from the movie about Cavafy.) Reading this new fresh translation, I had to buy the book. This poem tells my story in a way that has eluded me for over a decade. (try reading it aloud) Meaning by C.P. Cavafy The years of my youth, my sensual life-- how clearly I see their meaning now. What needless repentances, how futile... But I didn't see the meaning then. Out of the dissolute life of my youth my poetry's aims grew. my art's realm was dr...

The program leaders at Love in Action (LIA) and in all the other ex-gay programs I attended (along with the counselors I saw and authors of the ex-gay books I read) believed in a development model leading to homosexual desire and activity. Although each ex-gay therapist or minister used different and methods often contrary to each other, they universally agreed that boys became gay because of an "overbearing mother and an emotionally or physically absent dad." In addition, they taught that sexual abuse contributed to same-sex attractions. In LIA and elsewhere, the leadership made us create a mythology about ourselves based on the developmental template they placed before us. By mixing psycho-babble, scripture, and language from the AA 12-Step program, they constantly reinforced their authority over us. When any of us questioned the template they provided by stating our lives did not fit it, they insisted that we needed to look more deeply. They warned us, that as "addic...

It's my international radio weekend! Although I am in Western Maryland right now taking part in Quaker gathering, I will also be on the radio in Canada and beyond. Tonight at 10:00 PM (Eastern Standard Time) I will be a once again be a guest on Vancouver's Queer FM CiTR 101.9fm where I will talk about my recent trip to Lambeth, my upcoming trip to Vancouver, Canada in October and whatever else Heather, the show's enthusiastic host, gets me to talk about. You can listen live here . Also, last week while at Lambeth Conference, George Arny of BBC World Service interviewed me for the Reporting Religion program . I talk at length about my ex-gay experiences, Beyond Ex-Gay, my faith journey and being a Quaker today. You can listen to the program here .

Christine and I get lots of messages every week through Beyond Ex-Gay . Most come from people looking for answers or to connect or to share their stories. Some want to thank one of the many people who have shared their stories through narratives or art work . Last week we received a message for ex-gay survivor Darlene Bogle . Many have written in before to express gratitude to Darlene for both stepping up to tell her story and for also coming forward to issue a public apology for her previous role as an Exodus ex-gay leader, one who firmly promoted and provided ex-gay ministry before she found a better way. This message we received and came from another former Exodus leader, Anthony Falzarano, who still promotes an ex-gay agenda. His message shocked us so much we wondered if we should even share it with Darlene. But she is a strong and thoughtful woman, and from getting to know her this past year we felt she would like to see it, so we forwarded the message. Darlene decided she wan...

This Thursday, in a conference call open to the public, Darlene Bogle and Christine Bakke will share their experiences as lesbians in the Ex-Gay Movement. For a while I have been considering how the Ex-Gay Movement is an anti-fem movement. Most of the participants in it are male with curriculum and treatment plans geared towards "male issues." Many of the men involved have felt the need to "change" after years of taunting for being sissies. They learned both on the playground and from the pulpit that the world does not value feminized men. The cornerstone teaching of nearly every ex-gay program takes a swipe at women while also reinforcing the belief that women must be subservient to men. What makes a boy gay? According to most of these ex-gay providers and proponents gay boys are a bi-product of an "overbearing mother." This false teaching infers that once a woman usurps a man's authority and no longer remains submissive, this transgressive act alters...

BYM=The annual gathering of Quakers from Baltimore Yearly Meeting, which happens in Frostburg, MD, not Baltimore (sorry Bruce Garrett) and involved Friends from Maryland and elsewhere.. I stand on the train platform in Hartford to begin the journey which will take me about eight hours. On Saturday I returned home from a similar length journey when I flew to NYC from London . On both ends of that trip queer Quakers saw me off or met me. That helps stave off the detached lonliness that can accompany me on these trips. Spending time with Auntie Doris, Steve, Jon, Esther, Ruth Ann, William and Ken gave me the sense that I was home even when I was far away and raises for me the question "What is home?" I awoke in my own bed last night and had no clue as to my location. I turned on the light and recognized my radio and lamp and the familiar stack of bedside books, but still felt puzzled. Yesterday we had a smaller group at Hartford Friends Meeting since so many members attended Ne...

I recently did some island hopping in Europe first going to Malta then to the Channel island of Guernsey. Here are some photos. (If you want to know what something is, just ask, and I will tell you in the comments) First here are photos from Malta Here are photos from Guernsey with Auntie Doris

Dave Rattigan at Ex-Gay Watch has been blogging about a hate crime attack on one of his neighbors. He reports the sad news of Michael Causer's death and encourages people to visit the Facebook group set up about Michael, A gay teenager has died , just one week after he was brutally beaten in a homophobic attack . Eighteen-year-old Michael Causer of Whiston, near Liverpool, England, died in hospital on Saturday August 2 at 12.30pm. He had been attacked by other youths while walking with friends in nearby Huyton, some time before 11am on Friday July 25. It was a busy road and it was broad daylight. Emergency brain surgery the following day could not save him. Michael lived just a couple streets away from me. He had many friends and family around here. Many of them are now part of a Facebook group dedicated to his memory. Please drop by and read some of the beautiful messages of support. Join the group and offer your own support if you can.

Yesterday, my final full day at Lambeth, flew by quickly with lots of highlights. I returned to the Changing Attitude/Integrity Bible study where they continued to looked at John 9 . This time we considered how the man born blind grew to understand Jesus through sharing his experience with others. The night before I had dinner with a friend who is disabled and often uses a wheelchair. She and another friend, a wheelchair user, recently traveled from England to Ireland on a holiday. They took the journey with a personal assistant to help out along the way. On their return to Heathrow, the airline temporarily misplaced both their wheelchairs. They sat in airport issued equipment while attempting to sort things out with a Heathrow employee. My friend said that throughout the entire exchange the employee spoke rudely, but more shocking still, the Heathrow employee never once looked at my friend or the other person also sitting in a wheelchair. He dealt exclusively with the assistant as if...