Peterson Toscano's A Musing

(Note: I talk about my sex life in this post!) After screening the Fish Can't Fly film at a conference of gay evangelicals, a woman who had been married to an "ex-gay" for many years asked me, "What about the wive's stories? Why aren't they included in this film?" Indeed, when watching the documentary I can't help but notice who is NOT represented. The former wives of "ex-gay" men can boldly say, "We too exist!" (And to a lesser extent, the former husbands of once-former lesbians), even though I rarely see them. Terry McMillan, the author of How Stella Got Her Groove Back, recently candidly shared her experience of being married to a man who turned out to be gay. Most women in the same situation are not invited to tell their story publically. I was married to a woman for five years before we separated then divorced two years later (while I was at Love in Action). I don't write or talk much about my former wife mostly because...

Just saw it. Moved to tears several times. My favorite line-- The opposite of war is not peace, it is creation. Amen

This weekend the AP ran a story about the comments of Rabbi Eric Yoffie, president of the liberal Union for Reform Judaism as he spoke at a national assembly. Yoffie used particularly strong language to condemn conservative attitudes toward homosexuals. He said he understood that traditionalists have concluded gay marriage violates Scripture, but he said that did not justify denying legal protections to same-sex partners and their children. "We cannot forget that when Hitler came to power in 1933 one of the first things that he did was ban gay organizations," Yoffie said. "Yes, we can disagree about gay marriage. But there is no excuse for hateful rhetoric that fuels the hellfires of anti-gay bigotry." Read the full story Reform Jewish Leader Blasts Religious Right

A new on-line survey of Transgender/transsexual people is being conducted through Penn State. According to Trans Studies professor Dr. Jillian Todd at Ramapo College, "this is the first national study of the wide range of transgender identities." Hat tip to Robin McHaelen at True Colors for alterting me to this study. Robin writes, "Please forward this message as appropriate -- the more people who participate, the better the research!"

While active in the conservative church, I learned lots about submission and accountability, a surveillance and monitoring system that rivals that of Homeland Security. My pastor always kept an eye on his flock, not only for our welfare, but also to gauge our allegiance to him and his church. By being accountable to my pastor, I regularly informed him of my struggles, foibles, sins and doubts. He knew all my business. At Love in Action (LIA) I learned that submission and accountability are the cornerstones for a successful "ex-gay" life. Each participant in the program was assigned a staff member to whom we privately confessed our daily sins--including masturbation. (When I first entered LIA, we admitted our masturbatory setbacks during the Tuesday night "Rules Rap", but this stimulated fellow participants leading to yet further masturbation.) Since we had lived shady gay lives for so long, staff instructed us to be honest and bring our current struggles to the lig...

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver from A Book of Luminous Things --An International Anthology of Poetry edited by Czeslaw Milosz.

Ann, a regular commenter on this blog, recently posted a thoughtful and insightful response about Southern Baptists and hate speech. She makes a distinction between the "sin" hating and the gay hating. Drawing on her personal experience in the Southern Baptist Church and her time as an "ex-gay" worker she exudes her warm Southern eloquence as she writes, Granted, I've heard some people throw out the line,"Love the sinner and hate the sin..." through clenched teeth and snarling lips. And bless their hearts, some may geninuely believe they are loving us as their God would, but they don't like us much. Other folks are just looking for some excuse "holy" or unholy to kick the snot out of somebody. Read her complete comments here .

After reading about the findings of British researchers into the links between male agression and deathrates, Tiffiany over at Blackfeminism.org asks Does Sexism Kill Men? Tiffany explains, Now think about the last time you saw violence solve anything in a way that benefitted either party. This simple version of agressive, violent manhood — the same one espoused in hip-hop, and with our current presidency — is destructive (to) its perpetrators as well as its victims.

Passionate blogger and expert cartoon artist Bruce Garrett, asks, Does anyone seriously believe these people are trying to win homosexuals over to Christ? No. They're trying to incite religious passions which they hope, either consciously or in that deep secret place where they dance in the ashes of other people's hopes and dreams, will result in violence. There's just no other explaination. Bruce goes on to give graphic examples of the sort of violence that happens TODAY in the US andd UK in places like "progressive" NYC and the heartland state of Indiana. He even tells the story of a 33 year old non-homosexual British man who was beaten senseless because he had a limp wrist, which actually was the result of a childhood stroke. Read the whole of Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin...(continued)

Here is a special message for you from our great-great-gay grandfather, Walt Whitman. Celebrate the 100th aniversary of Leaves of Grass . Hear what our queer ancestor has to say.

Throughout my “ex-gay” career I learned that becoming straight was not only about ceasing from sex with other guys and homosexual fantasies, but it also meant becoming “ straight acting ”. Welcome to the “Ex-Fem” movement. I was a pretty nelly lad in high school. I loved the preppy fashions of the day where I could wear pastel colors with the collar up. My voice, walk and affect leaned towards the feminine. Once I began to hang out with “ex-gays”, I received lessons on how to present myself as a white heterosexual protestant male. My pastor had written a book that revealed how gay men were often “limp wristed” and effeminate. An “ex-gay” roommate of mine coached me on how to bring the inflection of my voice down to a more masculine level. At the beginning of my two-year stint at Love in Action (LIA), I received the Steps Out Program Manual with the front cover partial image of a manly workman firmly gripping his toolbox. In fact, this same image appears on nearly every third page o...

I had a great weekend that included 24 hours of baby sitting, a lovely Quaker meeting (photo is from this week's mantle display) and the Transcending Boundaries Conference, a bi and trans gathering. Sadly I only attended a third of the conference, but got to see friends (and Friends) as well as participate in two workshops. One was on race, idenity and eroticism. The workshop facilitators did not show, so we workshop participants ran it ourselves and discussed identity, race and personal narratives. I loved the diversity in the group which included folks of diverse races, religions, and ages. The other workshop was a primer on Transgender issues. Really it was the basics, but presented wtih passion and personal knowledge by Jerimarie Liesegang, Ph.D , a longtime trans activist from Hartford. Before attending the conference I read an article entitled The Feminist Crossdresser by Miqqi Alicia Gilbert, Ph.D . It echoes well some of what Jerimarie discussed. Describing the transgende...

With all the relief efforts in the Gulf Coast and the not so distant (and on-going) efforts from the tsunami, I find it easy to grow weary in well doing. But Pakistan is in big trouble and needs our help. The numbers overwhelm me. --Over 73,000 people have died as a result of the October 8, 2005 earthquake. --Over 69,000 people are injured. --Over 3 million people are homeless as they enter their very bitter winter. Read more here . Based on Charity Navigator Ratings , the Stamford, CT based AmeriCares does a great job at using donated dollars to actually help people and not get caught up in administrative costs. You can donate on-line . If you know of other worthy humanitarian agencies, please post them in comments.

Anti-gay conservative church leaders and politicians often cry out against the GAY LIFESTYLE , that evil, self-indulgent, promiscuous, unsafe way of living which includes seducing others to join in on our ungodliness. During my 17 years in various “ex-gay” programs, when we often referred to our pre-“ex-gay” history we would say “when I was in The Lifestyle”. Those of us who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transsexual, transgender, queer, gender queer, same-gender loving people often feel bafflement, amusement, annoyance or anger (or a mixture of any of these) when we all get lumped into a “lifestyle” that does not define the vast majority of us. Sure there are gay men who do illegal drugs and anonymous sex and 400 thread count sheets, but I’ve also seen Sex in the City and ads for the Girls Gone Wild videos. Do these represent the heterosexual female lifestyle? In Love in Action (LIA), I received the 374-page Steps Out Program Class Manual (replete with an image of a studly workman on ...

Okay, I just posted a bunch of blog entries. Actually I held back. Lots of thinking and reading and speaking and learning these days. I'm fixin' ta burst. Would love to hear your comments.

Daniel Gonzalez, who is minding the store at Ex Gay Watch this week reports, how "ex-gay" group NARTH (always sounds sinister to me) endorsed an article attacking multicultural programs at universities. I love Daniel's saucy tongue. He writes, You're so right NARTH and Townhall.com! History should only be delivered to us as it happens through the perspective of heterosexual (ok mostly heterosexual) white Christian men at Fox News Check out more here

On Sunday morning I listened with rapt fascination to a radio program about the bonobo chimps. The bonobo is as genetically similar to humans as the chimpanzee. These peace-loving apes live in matriarchal societies and use sex to deal with competition and anger. They reside only in a very small area of forest below the Congo River in Africa and they've been at risk in recent years because of civil unrest, logging, and hunting. The Bonobo Conservation Initiative is creating a refuge for them called the Bonobo Peace Forest. Host Steve Curwood talks with Dr. Amy Parish, scientific advisor for the Initiative. Parish spoke eloquently about the matriarchal society of the bonobo and the insight it may give us to our own past. She speaks about human sexism practiced within zoos. Really interesting stuff. Listen to the whole Living on Earth program here .

The following quote reminds me of the Quaker experience of the Light within. The Quality of light by which we scrutinize our lives has direct bearing upon the product which we live, and upon the changes which we hope to bring about through those lives. It is within this light that we form those ideas by which we pursue our magic and make it realized. This is poetry as illumination, for it is through poetry that we give name to those ideas which are—until the poem—nameless and formless, about to be birthed, but already felt. That distillation of experience from which true poetry springs births thought as dream births concept, as feeling births idea, as knowledge births (precedes) understanding. As we learn to bear the intimacy of scrutiny and to flourish within it, as we learn to use the products of that scrutiny for power within our living, those fears which rule our lives and form our silences begin to lose their control over us. From Audre Lorde’s essay Poetry Is Not a Luxury Sister ...

Through my speaking, writing and especially through my performing, I regularly ask people to be my ally. As a gay man, a gay Chrisitan, a gay Christian artist, I need allies in this world. But whose ally am I? This weekend I will attend much of the Transcending Boundaries conference in East Hartford, CT. According to their website, Transcending Boundaries is an annual conference for bisexual/pansexual, trans/genderqueer, and intersex people and our allies. This year we will hold our fourth annual conference for and about those who do not fit into the simple categories of gay/straight, male/female. At this conference I hope to learn more so that I can be a more informed and thoughtful ally. As a white, able-bodied, gay, Christian American, I seek to learn more about how I can be a better ally to people with disabilities, people of color, all women including lesbians, young people and the people of Iraq and Afganistan. If anyone knows of other conferences and resources that will be help...

I've been thinking and writing a lot about the power telling our stories have on us when we speak our truth and when other people hear us. I listened to a powerfully moving segment of American Public Radio's Speaking of Faith in which they looked at South Africa's Truth& Reconciliation Commission (TRC) Hearing two individuals who worked on the commission tell stories of the power of stories took my breath away. In an attempt to rebuild its society without retribution, the Commission created a new model in our time for grappling with a history of extreme violence. The basic premise of the Commission was that any individual, whatever he or she had done, was eligible for amnesty if they would fully disclose and confess their crimes. Victims were invited to tell their stories and witness confessions. Through the TRC, many families finally came to know when and how their loved ones died. By the end of the hearings, the Commission took statements from more than 20,000 victi...

Yesterday and today is Day of the Dead , a holiday that many Mexicans celebrate the lives of their departed loved ones. They gather at elaborately decorated graves to sing songs and joyously remembered friends and family members who have moved on to the next step of the life journey. In homes, families set up altars with photos of the departed, keepsakes, favorite foods and candied skeletons to let folks know that they are still loved and appreciated. I set up my own table to remember some of the remarkable people who enriched my lives, many of them women. My Aunt Mary, who lived in Hartford for many years, endured family racism, lived clean and sober for over 18 years and made killer lentils with pasta My Aunt Evelyn from the Bronx, who loved the Puerto Rican salsa music of her youth and accepted me for who I was even when I didn't know what that was. My Great Aunt Mary, with her contagious weezy laugh and amazing tomato sauce Helen Zias, a co-worker in NYC who saw NY as a country...

I've been on so many blogs this week I have no idea where I first found this link, but bellybytes.com has a list of the 29 Healthiest Foods on the Planet. They list the foods that give the biggest bang for the buck. For instance this one (perfect for the season), Squash (Butternut, Pumpkin, Acorn) The Power: Winter squash has huge amounts of vitamin C and beta-carotene, which may help protect against endometrial cancer. One cup (cooked) has 80 calories, 1 gram of fat and 6 grams of fiber. Cut one in half, scoop out the seeds and bake or microwave until soft, then dust with cinnamon. See all 29 here .

I feel sick at heart. Last night I experienced Halloween like never before. Having grown up in the countryside and then having lived in NYC, I never witnessed what happens in cities like Hartford/West Hartford where two worlds collide on Halloween. This year I decided to hang with a friend (another white gay man) in West Hartford to help him hand out the candy. He warned me that from his previous years some adults, people of color, out of costume, come for Halloween handouts. I recently heard something similar about neighborhoods in Detroit. I felt uneasy about these class/race dynamics but figured once the festivities started it will be a good time. It was a nightmare--a suburban white nightmare for some and a sickening nightmare for me. I felt sick as people, many in costume but also a good number out of costume, came to the door with plastic grocery bags and open purses. I felt sick at the feeling of privilege as we handed out our candies. To my surprise, my normally warm and genero...