Peterson Toscano's A Musing

Can't believe 2005 is nearly over. What an awesome year that brought me throughout North America (including US states VA, TN, NY, NJ, CT, MA, AL, MI, PA, CO, IN, KY, RI, MD, CA, NM, , Puerto Rico and my Canadian debut in Saskatoon!), England, Spain and Cameroon. I feel so privileged to speak with people about the "ex-gay" movement and LGBTQ issues. I presented at universities, high schools, churches, conferences, community centers (as well as on planes, trains and buses). It was especially enriching to hear many people's stories and learn about issues that affect women, people of color, the trans community, people with disabilities, bisexuals and teens. This year's series of presentations were entitled, The 2005 Burning Bush World Tour (um, that is a Biblical reference). I am so very grateful to Sarah B. Miller, my business associate for all her hard work in organizing my bookings. I am so grateful to all of the folks who sponsored my shows and presentations. I a...

Ceramic designer and good friend Roy Steele is in Berlin for the holidays and has begun to chronicle his experience with excellent photos and compelling text. Check out Berlin Stories here . He doesn't have a place for comments, but feel free to comment here. Roy also designed three of my web sites . Oh and he is one of my hereos . To the right is one of Roy's pieces, "Ramona".

Nathan Bell, associate director of Love in Action International, announced via an e-mail that he has been terminated by the Memphis-based "ex-gay" program. He writes: I am writing to communicate a couple of important things. First, thanks to all of you for your support of me throughout my years at Love in Action. Unfortunately I have been terminated from my position after 8 years of cooperative work. It is important for me that you know (t)his termination was not over a moral failure on my part – nor over any negligence of my responsibilities. Bell, an " ever-straight " heterosexual man, was on staff when I was in the program. According to his staff profile (which was still on the LIA site this morning) In his early adolescence, Nathan came to know the Lord personally. After learning of his father's intent to follow homosexual pursuits, Nathan has persevered, allowing God to utilize this tragedy to ground him in Christ. You can read Bell's testimony for y...

I met Marvin recently and after several conversations, I asked him to offer a series of audio blogs here. I'll leave it at that and let him speak for himself.

I sat next to him at Christmas Eve dinner last night. Nice guy. German-born, travelled the world with his UN parents, lives in NY. Artist type. In a room of heterosexual family and friends I wondered if this man could be "the one"--the ultimate Christmas gift--a life partner. We chatted, we joked, I let it slip out a dozen ways that I am gay. The white wine and his open friendly banter made me believe he was too. "I'm heading home tomorrow," I placed on the table. He countered, "I wish you would stay." Next at the Brazilian Christmas Eve bash (replete with non-stop dancing, darts and enough food to save a medium-sized starving village), I chatted some more with the potential love of my life. Did he look extra deep into my eyes? As my Brazilian friends, in precise heterosexual pairing, danced circles around the gringos, my love, my mate, my life partner to be, broke my heart with a casual aside about a recent girlfriend being Brazilian, then he twirled ...

The Queer Action Coaltion , who keeps a steady hand on the pulse of Love in Action, wonders if recent signs point to genuine difficulties Memphis-based "ex-gay" program. They consider: As has been public knowledge LIA has had two live in facilities for their adult program The Source. Over the weekend we were informed that they have been forced to shut down one of their houses due to lack of enrollment. Again, this is unconfirmed, however, if true, would mean this has happened since the infamous summer of '05 in which the "Christ Centered Ministry" faced numerous protests, and world-wide media attention for their dealings with youth. At a screening of "What Does Love In Action Look Like: The Preface" this past weekend we were informed by a source close to Dr. Stephen Rice, LIA Borad Member, that he has been heard murmuring that the devil is in the midst at Love In Action, refering to internal conflicts within the organization. Sources close to us who...

One of the Quaker testimonies is Simplicity. In musing about the frantic holiday season, Liz Opp blogs about the practice. One topic I hear about at this time of year, almost as a surrogate for the larger topic, is that of simplifying. Simplifying is not the same as practicing simplicity , but it seems as if the former has also nearly become a surrogate for the latter. Simplifying does not address the same question as What distractions might I remove, especially at this time of year, so that I might better hear God and God's guidance for me? In the Pendle Hill pamphlet 194 , Quakerism of the Future , John Yungblut writes about how simplicity can open the door to mystical encounters with the divine. The mystical experience comes by grace. But we can at least engage in that first classic step on the steep ascent, the process of purging. We can, bay an effort of the will, resolve to move toward the simple life in which we are not encumbered with possessions nor driven by an over-sche...

I'll be on a public access program from Seattle this afternoon. You can watch streaming. I'll actually be on the phone live during the show and will talk about my "ex-gay" experience and the Fish Can't Fly film. The program is streamed live from 5 to 6pm (Eastern time) 2 to 3pm (Pacific time). The program is called Being In Seattle . web address: www.scantv.org (BTW Do you realize how difficult it is to find someone with a land line phone without call waiting? Geez!)

I've spent a long and busy weekend here visiting former ex-lesbian (that means she is now a lesbian) Christine . She just had a LONG interview for a story that will be placed in a women's fashion magazine. Who would have thought they would be interested in the "ex-gay" movement. So we got to talk "ex-gay" stuff. I also shared some excerpts from some of my shows including my upcoming play, The Re-Education of George W. Bush. Unexpected surprises from this trip included a chat and a drink with blogger Mike Ditto (who helped me organize my Sarfari bookmarks and tutored me on how to utilize RSS feeds--thanks!). I also had lunch with a long-term "ex-gay" leader. Really a wonderful face to face connection as we spoke and listened to each other. I don't feel free to share the details, but I walked away feeling like we had genuine dialogue. I met some of Christine's friends--Jules from Autralia and Jordan and Cherise from the Women's Circle (...

I confess, I meet up with "ex-gay" leaders. Yep we have coffee and lunch and phone conversations. Good times. Really. Over at Ex-Gay Watch a commentor wondered why I was so keen on meeting with an "ex-gay" leader in my state. I posted a response which help articulate some of what I do and why we need to connect with our "opponents". I want to meet with (an "ex-gay" leader) because we currently live in a political environment where we do not listen to each other--unless of course the person is saying something with which we agree. We may visit each other's blogs, go to a speaking engagement or tune into a radio program, but rarely do we get to connect face to face with someone who is on the other side of an issue. This past year I have had significant and extended conversations with FOTF's Mike Haley, Exodus' Alan Chambers and others who I have agreed not to mention publically. We agreed that the majority of our conversations would no...

I run across negative anti-church/God attitudes among queer folks all the time, especially white queer folks. I know when I perform one of my shows in a gay-affirming church, no matter how many rainbow banners they have furled out front, some queer folks won't step foot into a church. Not because of hatred, but because of hurt. Judy Shepard said it best, "Church hurt is the worst kind of hurt". I often hear the stories of people who have been through "ex-gay" ministries. Afterwards they often try to sort out their faith, and many, like jilted lovers, end up walking away from the very relationship they wanted above all others, a relationship with God. Last week I had coffee with a Love in Action survivor. We both live in Connecticut now but had entered the Memphis-based "ex-gay" program on the same day nearly 10 years ago. He spoke about how after years of attending anti-gay Christian churches, "ex-gay" ministries and then Love in Action, he c...

Date two (yeah, I had a date with a real live man--cute and sweet) and after eating at the Thai Crack Palace (not its real name but should be), we went to see The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe . He never read the book, so it was a treat to sit next to him and guage his reaction. At a key point in the film, a character says, "We will go to Aslan". (Speaking of course of the very alpha male Christ-like hero of the film). My date turns to me and with a grin on his face asks, "Did they just say 'Ass Land?'" Uh, no that's the cowboy movie. And no, we are not going there. Not yet.

On a flight last spring I spoke with a recently retired executive from the Focus on the Family organization. We talked gay stuff, as I tend to do, and he quoted a well worn statistic that Focus' founder, Dr. Dobson is fond of spouting. "Isn't it true that the average gay man has sex with over 1,000 sexual partners in his life time?" I responded, that even if that statistic were true, have you ever thought to ask the critical question WHY? Why would anyone in their right mind subject themselves to so many sexual partners, risk of diseases, violence and more? Unless of course they swallowed the lies about us that many conservative leaders spew--the lies that a gay man is unworthy, unclean, an abomination, sinful, evil, wrong. Yeah, if someone believed that about himself, he would treat his body and life without dignity and worth. Blogger Jonathan Bullock posted a lovely piece about this very thing. Check out I Am Worthy!

Okay, this is stranger than fiction. Scott , a regular commentor, sent me a Focus on the Family "news" story about a pastor in Massachusetts who is running a Mr. Heterosexual contest. The homosexual community has flooding the marketplace with products and opportunities exclusively for gays and lesbians. Now a talk show host in Massachusetts is turning the tables. Tom Crouse, pastor of Holland Congregational Church and host of the radio program “Engaging Your World” is launching a “contest” to name the most heterosexual guy in Massachusetts. “We’re just looking for tolerance for heterosexuals.” Someone should stand up for heterosexuality, someone should stand up and celebrate how God’s made us and I said, ‘I’m gonna!’, so I think I’ll have a Mr. Heterosexual Contest!” I thought I WORKED in satire. Read the whole story here . The event is February 4, 2006 about 35 minutes away from my home. Hmmm, maybe my "ex-gay" character, Chad, should enter....I feel some performa...

The other night with Tina Brown I gushed and gushed so much about the New Yorker cover with two servicemen kissing, I ended up getting a signed copy of the magazine. Enjoy!

Running an "ex-gay" ministry can be costly. Consider all the publicity materials, staff costs, PR and overhead. Often these expenses get covered by conservative churches and para-church organizations (like Focus on the Family). The folks who attend these programs may be asked to cover some of the costs as well. While at Love in Action (LIA), I paid nearly $1,000 per month for the services they provided which included four rap sessions a week, a Monday night Bible study, one-on-one sesssions, bi-annual family and friends weekend, housing and five meals a week. They still had to raise loads of money to cover all the costs. But for those of us who attended "ex-gay" ministries, the costs incurred continue on for months and years after we exit the programs. A few days after Thanksgiving I received an e-mail from Jeff, a fellow LIA survivor, who like me had been encouraged to look deeply at the dysfunctions in our families to unearth the roots of our homosexuality. None ...

Speaking with MSNBC's Allison Stewart the other night, she said the most overlooked news story of importance is the genocide in Darfur, Sudan. I confess I know virtually nothing about the conflict there and have searched around on-line since to begin to educate myself. (I mean if Allison Stewart says it's important, then I should listen.) Bette Midler has begun to speak up and speak out for the victims of Darfur. Over the last two years, over 380,000 people have died, and 2 million driven from their homes by a brutal campaign of repression by the Sudanese government. Darfur's women have been targeted for systematic rape and brutality. This terrible inhumanity must stop. It affects all of us, because we are all connected in one human family. But to stop it you and I need to rise up and be heard. We CAN stop the killing, if we can persuade our government to put enough pressure on the Sudanese government and its allies to make them stop Click here to find out what we can do...

For you communication and news junkies, you will now experience profound envy. I spent much of yesterday with Tina Brown , Ben Bradlee , Omar Wasow , and Alison Stewart . As a member of the advisory board for the Connecticut Forum, I served as a personal valet to Ms. Brown and hung out with the group from 4:30 PM until nearly 11:00 PM. (WNBA star and former U-Conn Lady Husky, Sue Bird also joined the panel and spoke with confidence and clarity) The theme of the evening's forum was Talkin 'bout My Generation . The divide between the generations became most apparent when they discussed technology and news gathering. They also shared loads of wisdom, insights and laughs. This panel worked well together, and appeared to really enjoy each other's company. I was most excited about meeting Tina Brown. As the former editor of Vanity Fair and the New Yorker, she turned those magaiznes around and made them into profitable publications with stellar writers. It was during the same ti...

From Madrigales by Federico Garcia Lorca (with English translation). Enjoy. Lorca melts my butter (and I'm vegan!)