Last night I performed Transfigurations-Transgressing Gender in the Bible at Imago Dei Metropolitan Community Church in Glen Mills, PA (about 15 miles outside of Philly). I had a diverse audience of about 45 people -- college students, Quakers, straight, bi, trans and lesbian, young and old. I took my time with the piece maintaining a gentle meditative pace. For the ending when I reveal the identity of the narrator, I had instructed the light tech to dim the lights. Then as the closing music swelled, I asked her to raise the lights to their brigthest intensity. With the music playing, I exited. Always (up until last night) at this point the audience applauds, I wait 5 seconds then come out to take a bow. Last night I exited and then nothing. No one clapped. They sat quietly as the music played. I stood back stage puzzled, baffled. Now what do I do? Wait? Go out anyway? And I wondered for a moment, Did they hate it? Did I confuse them? Offend them? Bore them into a coma? After what ...
Comments
Your audio post today made me so upset!
Maybe you should give your pastor the following link:
Are gays a threat to our children?"
I remember how I was always so careful around other people's kids for fear that they would make that gay=pedophile accusation (even though I'm a lesbian and women in general are far less likely to be pedophiles).
Some people, when they knew I was gay or "ex-gay" were very obvious about keeping their kids from me. It hurt me tremendously because I love kids and I'm great with them. So kids always flocked to me but it seemed like there'd always be a few nervous parents in the background telling their kids to "come back over here. Just come back!" whenever I'd have a group of kids around me.
It just makes me so angry because it's another instance where being gay made me so "broken" and "unwhole" in the minds of those who didn't share my "struggle." And how anyone else, just by virtue of being straight, was considered superior to me.
Have you considered that maybe you are not inferior to the rest of the people at your church?
You have a good heart, Marvin, and you want so badly to do what's right. I get that, and I hear that. But are you absolutely sure that this is what God requires of you? Do you look around you and see the ways that other people are "broken" and other ways they "struggle"? Why is your struggle so much more important and why does it continually have to make you a second class citizen?
Wouldn't you love to go to church somewhere and just "be"? Not as Marvin, the ex-gay, or Marvin the Queer, or Marvin, that guy who's kinda "wierd" and can't be trusted with kids. Wouldn't you like to go and just be Marvin Bloom, child of God?
Marvin, I know I've said before that I think you should find another church and I'm going to say it again.
How long are you going to let yourself be a second-class citizen there?
It seems obvious to me that they don't really care about you there. They just shuttle you around from one thing to another.
They will claim you if you get married to a woman - they they'll hold you up as their success story and make a public event out of your wedding and any children you may have.
But fail? Have a fall? Or, don't change? Remain single? You'll be left doing the janitorial work out of sight. Depending on how you fail at any point, you might be publicly hung out to dry, too.
Of course, Bob's idea of starting an ex-gay ministry is an interesting idea. Most ex-gays who run those haven't experienced a whole lot of change in orientation, and that doesn't stop them. Of course, many ministries seem to be going the way of having "everstraights" run them, so this might not even be an option. There's so much less potential for scandal that way.
Anyway, your post got me stirred up and really made me hurt for you Marvin. I'm hoping one day to hear that you ended up being able to serve God like you want, that you ended up sitting with other people who consider you one of them. That you end up just being able to be a child of God hanging out with other children of God.
Oh, wait...
I'm so sorry to hear about your pastor's response. I have some parallel experience - during my divorce trial, an attorney suggested that my orientation made me a risk to my own children - and for me that spawned a lot of emotion.
A question for you: Have you considered attending a church where you could participate freely and openly? I spent many years in churches where people didn't insist on agreeing on everything - ex-gays and gays were active, as well as ex-gay-affirming folks, and gay-affirming folks. (I think the pastor supported both - he said same-sex-attracted people needed to search their hearts and their scriptures using prayer and critical thinking to figure out where God wanted them to be.)
Please be well, my friend.