Peterson Toscano's A Musing

Ever since I mentioned that I will announce BIG NEWS on Monday April 2nd, lots of folks have come forward to share their thoughts (fantasies?) I feel for the sake of my personal integrity, I have to address these rumors directly. Tom D. writes, Tom Cruise saw you on tv. He was SO MOVED that he: 1) came out (finally); 2) bought the film rights to your life story; 3) and will be starring in the movie, as you. Well, I am sure Mr. Cruise saw me on TV. As you know, Tom D, and regularly point out, I am a queer Quaker media whore who seems to pop up on TV every few hours (which is actually true over at Current TV for the next few weeks.) Tom, you know full well that I would never like someone as old as Cruise portray me on the screen. Plus he refused to shave his hair. KJ's rumor is much more plausible based on my egocentric multiple personalities, I heard that they're going to make a movie of Peterson's life, and he's going to play ALL the roles. There was some trouble dur...

I've gotten lots of comments about my recent food loop , which by the way rages on. David posted a video response almost immediately sharing one of his food obsessions. I have a confession to make. I actually did not mention one ingredient in my current food loop. It is not a critical ingredient but one that I feared you would find, well, odd. I worried that you might judge me or think I am a food fetish freak or something. But I have to be honest with you. We've been through so much together already. So here it the missing ingredient with my apologies. I head off to UMASS then up to Vermont until Saturday. That means I CANNOT have my food of choice. I will be okay. I am resilient. I am strong.

I don't feel angry often (although enough wrong exists around us to warrant anger) but today I am hopping mad (that's American for pissed off which is American for ANGRY!) It wasn't dinner with a friend that fell through that angered me--that just dissapointed me. It wasn't the frustrating difficulties a dear friend faced today--that moved me to tears and feelings of grief for him. No what got me angry was the e-mail from Jim Burroway informing me that Focus on the Family will hold an anti-gay Love Won Out conference in Costa Rica this summer. It is bad enough that this dangerous foolishness happens in the land of the free and home of the brave, but to EXPORT these lies and false promises--Argh!!! That is plain wrong. My heart and mind feel all stirred up today with lots of things--good, bad, sad. I have not even been able to blog about the ugly and offensive "Day of Truth". Injustice has a tipping point. A friend faces a shut door. Lies and more lies spread ...

I don't know about you, but I get stuck in a food loop. I want the same meal over and over again. I know they must have medication for that sort of thing, but I enjoy it far too much. In this video, I share my latest food fetish.

Some of you may remember a blog entry about a very last minute trip to Los Angeles earlier this month. It was all very covert, but I got the call today that frees me to share some of the details with you. (note: this is not the BIG news I have for you next Monday; this is just big news.) I went to Los Angeles to be a guest on the Tyra Banks Show . The show will air on Thursday April 12, 2007 and proves to be quite interesting. In the show Tyra (we are now on a first name basis) looks at some places where lesbians and gays are not safe. One segment will be about the world of sports, specifically basketball Her guest will be John Amaechi a former NBA player who recently came out. Tyra will also look at the world of Hip Hop with some same-gender loving rap artists. Very interesting. And sandwiched between the two will be a segment about how it is not safe for gays in the church, which of course brings up a conversation about the ex-gay movement. For this segment her guests include, Jo...

This just in, I will do a live interview with Radio Gay out of Vancouver, British Columbia tonight at 10:00 PM Eastern Standard Time. To have a listen click here . Since something BIG is coming, you may want to listen for hints.

The workshop that Momma and I presented on Saturday was a HUGE success. (nearly as huge as the news I get to share with all y'all next week ;-) Loads of people packed the theater--all sorts of folks--young old, queer, straight. our theme was spirituality and sexuality, particularly being queer and being spiritual. These two usually diverge. Much of my life I assumed I could not have my God and my queerness too. I had to choose between one or the other like a child in the midst of a bitter custody battle. Each side smeared the other and often with plenty of evidence to back the claims. At a recent presentation in North Carolina, an audience member remarked in the after-show feedback form the organizers provided, After all the damage the Church has done and still does to LGBT people, how could anyone in their right mind choose to be gay and Christian? I understand the sentiment. Worthie (Momma) and I spoke about this throughout the weekend. So many queer folks we meet who once had a...

Yes, she is larger than life. When she saw the photo, she remarked, "Wow, it is like me and my own little leprechaun." Nice. Our workshop was kick butt and everyone LOVES Momma. I think one of her superpowers is that whenever I am with her, I become invisible. I like that. Okay, I am exhausted and have another workshop in the morning. Oh, and something BIG is coming and it is not Momma.

I wish I could announce what it is, but it will have to wait about another week, but I am chomping at the bit about it. Something big, something wonderful. So I won't tempt myself to spill the beans yet. In other news, I am putting together my May trip to England and Sweden. I have some tentative presentations in place, but not enough for me to put it all out there yet. I will be at the Oxford Friends Meeting on Sunday May 13 from 4-6 PM doing a bunch of excerpts and lively talk. Some great stuff is coming together in the Swedish university city of Lund and IDAHO. Oh, which reminds me! Daniel C, I have gotten your e-mails and every time I reply, I get a message that your provider won't accept my e-mails. What nerve. So please fix that so we can talk about hanging out in Stockholm on 19 May! What else...I am planning a road trip with my Dad to North Carolina. I have some shows in Greensboro and thought it would be fun to travel in the car with Dad. We had such a blast last Novem...

On Friday Worthie Mecham (aka Momma ) will lead a workshop at True Colors . It's called Dragged Out of the Spiritual Closet . In addition to doing a short comedy where Momma interviews three of my characters about their spiritual journeys (Dr. Meadows, Chad and Earthel), we will have participants share some about their own journeys. Here is the description of the workshop: Actor/Activist Peterson Toscano teams up with drag diva, Momma, to present a brand new play that looks at spirituality, queerness and courageous living. Participants will then have a chance to explore their own spiritual journeys through dynamic activities and discussion groups. Finally, volunteers will come up on the stage to get in costume and have their own moment with Momma. A fun, insightful, an interactive way to look at the often taboo subject of queer spirituality. We will start with a little survey to get folks thinking and talking. I reproduce it for you here. Feel free to take it yourself and to give s...

I read the following on Peter Oulds blog : On BBC Radio 4 Today programme on Wednesday March 21 Robert Piggott, the BBC Religion Correspondent will be interviewing James Parker of the Journey into Manhood training programme from the People can Change Organisation . So is Parker going to reach through the radio waves and try to help troubled homosexuals or straight men in male crisis? Is his goal to relieve people of internal struggles? To help men become better men, more secure in themselves and better partners, fathers and citizens? No, it appears that Parker will try to do what some ex-gay leaders in the USA have been doing--exploiting the concept of change to influence the legal discriminate of lesbians and gays. Parker contends that it is unwise of the government to bring in legislation about homosexuality when it does not have a full understanding of homosexuality and the possibility of change. I recently appeared on a national radio program her in the USA alongside of Richard W...

Don't miss Truth Wins Out Executive Director Wayne Besen on Comedy Central's "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" tonight (March 19) at 11pm / 10c. Click on this link for "The Daily Show" Television schedule POST SHOW: OMG, that was the funniest, craziest, most unbelievable thing I have seen in a very long time. I hear there will be YouTube video soon. Don't miss it! okay here is a link to the show http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNYkzPXT-M0

Contemplative Activist tagged me to come up with five favourite quotations . Having heard a great one about healing yesterday, I decided to share five quotes on healing. It has been said that time heals all wounds. The truth is that time does not heal anything. It merely passes. it is what we do during the passing of time that helps or hinders the healing process. -Jay Marshall The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love. -Hubert H. Humphrey Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it. -Tori Amos A human being is part of a whole, called by us the 'Universe', a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings and something separated from the rest -- a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our c...

I once got into a big fight with a friend of mine, another white gay guy. After reading about a Black minister spouting off anti-gay remarks in a service, my friend pronounced, The Black church is so homophobic . Me: Yeah, but the white Evangelical church is much worse. He: How can you say that? Read the ugly things this Black minister just said. Me: Yeah, I know, it is awful, but he is not running a multi-million dollar para-church organization that reaches millions of Americans through daily radio programs. He does not have weekly briefings with the president in order to influence policy and legislation that affects LGBT people. He does not influence local and state and national elections through his nationally televised sermons. He does not have the economic and political resources to sway members of congress. He does not regularly feed thousands of ministers, youth workers and Christian counselors lies about LGBT people. He is being loud and ugly, and that is wrong, but the folk...

A friend of mine captured video clips from the March 15, 2007 Montel Show episode, Homosexuality: Is there a Cure? You can read a little bit about what did not air here . Also available on Google Video . And here is video of my portion of the program. I think the highlight of the taping of the show was meeting Leslie Chambers briefly backstage. She is a strong communicator and I wish she had been given more time to speak.

Not sure if you got to watch yesterday's episode of the Montel Williams Show, Homsexuality--Is There a Cure? , but like most of these shows, they tape more than they use, then things get cut. You can see YouTube video of it here and here . For instance, they did a little video of me that was maybe one minute long for the actual show, but the taping of it two weeks before took over three hours. I would hate to be an editor and have to figure out what to keep and what to cut. During the show, Montel displayed a strong and clear opposition to gay reparative therapy. This came as no surprise to me since he demonstrated the same during the February 20, 2007 program . That particular show briefly touched on reparative therapy and the ex-gay movement which, according to Montel, moved him to do the show that aired yesterday. I don't presume to know what he was thinking or feeling, but at times Montel acted downright angry at what he articulated to be wrong --people feeling compelled...

Last summer I met some lesbian, gay and bisexual at the Kinship 7th Day Adventist gathering in Orlando, Fl. I felt so moved by their stories. My Aunt Rolla is from the Philippines and we have discussed LGBT issues in that country. Yesterday I read the following and felt struck but the vulnerability and honesty in it. Bakla, Bading, Bayot, Binabae--those were the names I was called when I was growing up in Manila. I wish the Filipino language had an affirmative label equivalent to "gay." Instead, I was teased with the hurtful words--faggot, sissy. Even before I entered elementary school, I remember my aunt telling me not to walk like a girl. I was always teased in Sabbath School because my buttocks would sway even when I was running, and my wrist was limp. snip I have been attracted to the same gender for almost twenty-five years now. I am not sexually addicted to the same sex. All I want is to be treated normally, like the straight people are treated. I cannot help not havi...

This from Daniel Gonzales : Thanks to multiple tipsters who let me know last night's South Park revolved around a character being sent to a live-in conversion ministry much like Love In Action/Refuge (LIA/R) . As expected with South Park the humor pushed beyond the limits of good taste. Having heard the stories and met people harmed by ex-gay programs the show's jokes about suicide and self-loathing hit a bit too close to home to be funny. The second plot line revolved around Cartman who took a prank photograph of him putting another character's penis in his mouth and his coming to the realization that doesn't necessarily mean he's gay. I happened to be at my Dad's house the night the show aired and saw it. I love how comedy can tease out the deeper issues of oppression and insanity in our society. The reality is that parents do force their children to attend ex-gay programs or to see Christian counselors to address same-sex attractions and gender differences. S...

A few weeks ago when I sat for a taping of the Montel Williams Show , they asked me to record a podcast for the episode. You can have a listen, here . You can download it through Apple itunes Store . This was actually for the show that aired on February 19, but since there is another Montel episode about the Ex-Gay Movement on this week (Thursday March 15, 2007, Homosexuality--Is There a Cure? ) On the podcast (replete with some dreamy ambient music they inserted in the background) I talk about the program, and some of my experiences as an ex-gay, the many different victims of the ex-gay movement. I mention the impact on my parents and my ex-wife. On the podcast I also do an audio version of The Identity Monologue (in which through 8 characters in 2 minutes, I tell my life story). To see the program this week, check your local listings.

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This week I attended the Maafa Sunday service at Amistad United Church of Christ . Amistad is a Black church in Hartford led by Bishop John Selders. (John and I have begun creating a new two-person play that explores race relations, father/son relationships, the Arab/Israeli conflict and the story of Abraham) Maafa, derived from Kiswahili word meaning "disaster, terrible occurrence or great tragedy." has been used to refer to the African Holocaust also known as the Holocaust of Enslavement . According to Wikipedia The term collectively refers to the 500 years of suffering (including present times) of people of African heritage through slavery, imperialism, colonialism, invasions, oppression, and exploitation. The Amistad Church commemorates Maafa every year because, as Bishop Selder's reminded the congregation on Sunday, To forget is the same as to throw away . In speaking about the 50-100 million people stolen from Africa, he encouraged the congregation commune with an...

I am so thrilled to announce this retreat coming up next month in Central Massachusetts! BEYOND QUEER 101 A Retreat for LGBTQ Quakers with Peterson Toscano and Judy Williams April 27-29, 2007, Woolman Hill Quaker Center This weekend is aimed at Friends who have mastered the initial challenges of both coming out and of developing a spiritual life. Let's explore the growing edges of our faith journeys, and support and challenge each other as we envision the path ahead. How do we express our Queer identity at this point in our lives, and what other identities have we developed and integrated into ourselves? How do our faith journeys inform our passions and our work? What roles have we grown into in our communities and our families? What are the new leadings that call to our hearts? Leaders will help create a safe space for rest and reflection, as well as opportunities for exploration and growth. Judy Anne Williams has played many roles in her life as a Queer Quaker, from keynote spe...

The first week in May I have requests to present in Denver and in Northern England. Time to take action. Time for America's Next Top Peterson...(with apologies to Daniel Gonzales, Steven Fales, Steve Schalchlin, Lance Carroll, Chuck D and the love of my life.)

How rare that I am resting in my own bed after a matinee performance as I prepare for tonight's show. So nice to show my friends and the members of my community what I do as I present my ex-gay comedy in the city where I live. In my play I compare coming out to Lazarus' resurrection then the act of his friends unwrapping him from out of his grave clothes. I moved to Hartford in 2001 knowing only some family here and in a short time I have found community. After living in darkness for nearly 2 decades, I sensed I had to be wide open about myself including my sexuality. Telling my story to fellow faculty at Watkinson School proved to be healing. They then cheered me on as I worked on and then began performing my play. So healing to find community, but it takes work and persistence. It takes time and it takes giving at least as much of what I hope to get back. For me it included attending Quaker meeting, staying after to chat and get to know people. It took volunteering to help o...

Last week I was in NYC for another taping of the Montel Williams Show . This time the entire hour program will be dedicated to the ex-gay movement. Guests include ex-gay survivor--Lance Carroll, the man who outed Ted Haggard--Mike Jones, President of Exodus International--Alan Chambers, and writer of this blog--Me. The episode should prove to be interesting to say the least. I don't know if anyone will get it up on YouTube. Hopefully since I don't have a TV myself and will most likely be on a bus on the 15th. The program will air on Thursday, March 15, 2007. Check local listings for details.

"We face an uphill battle with these people, especially the bush natives, who have to be protected against themselves. If they would only understand what we are trying to do for them." -Mr. Neville, former chief protector of Aborigines in Western Australia I just finished watching the film "Rabbit Proof Fence". I avoided watching it for over a year as it sat among the six other DVDs that I own. I sensed the film would be painful to watch, and it is. The film chronicles the real life journey of three young 'half-caste' aboriginal girls taken 1,200 miles from their mothers so that they could be assimilated into white society (then serve as domestics). They escaped and walked home. One of them did not complete the journey. This practice of forcibly removing the children from their families, friends and cultures continued until 1970. According to the film, "Today many of these Aboriginal people continue to suffer from this destruction of identity, family li...

Home! I did more in the past week than I normally do in two months. NYC two times, LA, a red-eye flight, speaking at a church, doing Homo No Mo in Upstate NY, off to the Mid-West for Equality Ride training and a show for the community, radio interviews, TV shows, meetings with ex-gays, ex-ex-gays, gay activists, and drag queens with even some friends and Friends squeezed in there. Oh I am not complaining. I have felt so pleased and honored this past week. Over four years ago when I agreed on the inside that I would come forward and tell my story, this is what I envisioned, and through the years I have learned when to chill and back off and take care of myself. That would be right about now. No e-mails, phone calls or serious talk about anything ex-gay. Yesterday and today has just been about sleep (and lots of it), quiet, music (Lucinda Williams' West is such a stunning album), prayer, good food, friends, silly funny DVDs (Strangers with Candy, etc), and reading (some William Penn,...

As one wise person wrote, there is a time and season for everything. Listening and speaking--they flow in and out of each other, like breathing. There are times when I have to be still and listen to that still small voice within. That voice may bring comfort or guidance or may point out something that is out of whack inside of me that needs to be sorted. I also have times when I need to sit and listen to others, to those stories that I often do not get to hear in the mainstream media and the queer press. The stories of trans men and women. The stories of Black lesbians. The stories of gay men with physical disabilities. The stories of senior citizens--queer or straight. The horrors of war in Darfur. As a white gay male in America, I can easily live with a curtain blocking my view of humanity. Distracted by the buzz of American Idol and Anna Nicole Smith and Britney's meltdown (or not), I can become bloated on non-news leaving me no room for reality. In speaking with some ex-gay lea...

n Wow! The Equality Riders impress me more and more. Such vision, passion and great listening skills. You can see me in my new Soul Force Q t-shirt signed by the 50 of the 52 riders (two were stuck somewhere because of weather but will be here in time). Some GREAT bloggers too including Matt and Brandy who is taking video throughout the rides. Today I led a workshop on the ex-gay movement. I enjoyed most the Chalk Talk activity where in silence the riders got to write up their thoughts, questions, assumptions, understandings of the ex-gay movement and the sort of questions and arguments they will hear when they visit the schools over the next two months. The activity helped them to slow down, take time to organize their thoughts and helped them to be sensitive to the people around them, making room, trying not to take up too much space. Some of them have ex-gay experiences themselves having attended programs, support groups and counseling. One man received phone counseling from a N...

Actually this one took place a few weeks ago, but I only just noticed they posted the audio on-line. In my city of Hartford, WTIC Radio is all talk, all the time. Colin McEnroe hosts the Afternoon Drive program and interviewed me about my experience in the ex-gay movement. He is a fast talker and you will never know what he will ask (as evidenced by his last question). You can hear the program here . I take off in 20 minutes on a flight to Minneapolis to spend time with the folks at Soul Force Equality Rides . I am so excited and honored for the chance to be with them to talk about the ex-gay movement and non-violent speech.

Yesterday I took part in the Public Radio International program, KCRW's To the Point , with the topic To Be or Not To Be...Gay . Other guests including Dr. Jack Drescher , a gay-affirming psychiatrist from NY, Richard Wyler, the founder of a group called People Can Change and Richard Cizik, VP for Governmental Affairs at the National Association of Evangelicals . You can listen to the program here . (The first half is about the stock market's recent troubles, then they move onto to the gays). First off I felt like I was surrounded by some heavy hitters. Thank goodness that Dr. Drescher was there to debunk the Spitzer study . I know Daniel Gonzales would have been disappointed with my answer if I had to address it myself :-). Drescher had some great points about how ex-gay ministries are not regulated by anyone yet they are doing therapies of all sorts. And his lottery analogy was brilliant. Here are few thoughts. Richard Wyler claims that his group is secular (sort of like NA...