Peterson Toscano's A Musing

You may be wondering why I have not blogged since Friday or answered any of your e-mails or responded to your voicemails. It really isn't my fault; I am under a sinister spell. Yeah the last Harry Potter book. It has the power to suck up your time like dementors suck up the joy and happiness in the world. But Potter GIVES joy. Actually no. I feel no joy reading this book, rather I feel an insane compulsion to read and miss meals and ignore the Internet. Crazy. Right now I am in Tampa, Florida with Tom D (aka anonymous) who has put me up in lavish style way beyond my normal Quaker plain ways. I even have a hot tub at my disposal. I also met up with some very nice people in Sarasota and here (hey Barbara,Ray, Robin & Robin, David & David, Stacy & Shawn, Tom Murray & Vince and Dustin!). So that's it. Yes, Harry, I'm coming! Save me!

The Orange County Weekly published a long piece about the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference held in Irvine, CA last month. The writer offers a stirring account of the Chalk Talk and gives survivors like Michael Bussee and Eric Leocadio a chance to tell their moving stories. The writer also visited the Exodus Conference held nearby. I am on the road typing this on my phone, so no fancy formatting or links. Here is the link to the article though www.ocweekly.com/features/features/the-closet-and-the-cross/27499/

A few weeks ago when I was at the Friends General Conference, an annual gathering of Quakers in North America, I sat for an interview for the Spirit in Action program on Northern Spirit Radio. Mark Helpsmeet, the interviewer, has a great vision to create programming about Quakerism for both Quakers and non-Quakers. In the interview I talk about my faith--my journey from Roman Catholic to Fundamentalist to Quaker, my ex-gay struggle and the role of Quakerism in my life today. The piece starts with some music that you may or may not like. I reserve my comment on the music (it is just intro music) You can listen to the interview here . And to listen to post-Quaker Joe G. talk about nothing of real consequence, check out his podcast at his blog .

UPDATE: (Thur 26 July 5:30 pm) Some more stuff has come through in the past 24 hours, so here is an update: Fort Wayne Weekly has a lengthy piece entitled Gay Cure --Things are getting even stranger in the right’s campaign to counsel people out of their homosexuality. By ERIC GRIFFEY (hat tip to Curious Primate ) SX out of Australia has a funny, if not 100% accurate, piece about ex-ex-gays . Based on the photo on my Homo No Mo website, the author, Rachel Cook referred to me as a Screaming Queen. I love that! Hu over at +Z'ev posted a thoughtful and interesting post that looks at queer Christians, the ex-gay movement and Tammy Faye Bakker. End of Update Jane magazine has a piece in their last issue ever :-( with a reporter, Joshua Lyon going undercover at Love in Action. (hat tip to queerty.com ) You can hear me talk about the Ex-Gay Survivor Movement on the KFAI radio out of St. Paul/Minneapolis on Thursday 26 July at about 7:35 CST PM. You can listen live and streaming . The...

This is the second in a three part series. Part One: What Was I After and Why? Part Three: Living on the Outside Part Two-- What Happens When Change is not Possible? After all my efforts, my faith in the Bible as I understood it and my faith in God and the working of the Holy Spirit, the change from gay to straight never came. In fact, the more I pursued what I thought was God’s ordained gayless path, the more I desired men, the more severe the struggle became, the more bizarre I acted out. Finally after losing my marriage, my job as a missionary in Zambia, my close friendships and the support of my home church, I became desperate and enrolled in the Love in Action (LIA) residential program in Memphis, TN. During orientation the staff informed us how we should envisage the program. How disappointing to hear John Smid, director of LIA, announce that none of us should expect to become heterosexual! He considered such a goal to be unrealistic and stated that most likely we would strug...

I spent the day in NYC with 2 different film crews--one German, one US. The US crew, a husband & wife duo filmed me in Central Park & asked questions about the Ex-Gay Survivor Movement & our recent conference in Irvine. The Germans met me in Greenwich Village to film in front of the Stonewall Inn & along Bleeker St. Back in 1983 & 1984 when I was a freshman at Nyack College, a Christian & Missionary Alliance school, the administration encouraged students to go into NYC every Saturday to do missions. While most folks taught Bible to children in the Bronx or Queens, I headed to Greenwich Village, the center of all things gay. We stood on the corners of the Village with Christian literature and tried to save the homosexuals. Yes, ironic as I struggled daily with my own same-sex attractions, I connected with gays on the street for my ministry. The film crew next brought me to Times Square where we visited the church I attended for years and where I married. Strange ...

For the third time this year I will be in the UK. Turning into a wonderful habit. I just booked the flights for a trip gets me to London on 17 August and back home on 3 September. I was initially hoping that I would spend more time in Europe, but September will be a month for me to do some quiet reflection and will also be a time for me to get together with family as it will mark one year since my mom passed away (who still feels very near to me daily). I am thrilled to be returning to Cardiff, Wales on 18 August where I will perform The Re-Education of George W. Bush which is sponsored by the Lesbian and Gay Christian Movement . I had a great time last year and met some super people. I will spend a little more time there this year. Then I get to see dear friends in Cheltenham at Greenbelt where in addition to the Bush piece, I will present Doin' Time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House . I just found out that Matt Redman will be there this year. Nice. James Alison will return as w...

In the tradition of Disputed Mutability , I have a three part series that I will present over the next week or two. Part One— What I was After and Why? Like many ex-gay survivors, for years I sought a miraculous transformation. I wanted to change from gay to straight—be it instantaneous or as a long-term process (but instantaneous would have been nice). At the time it seemed a reasonable and necessary step. Steeped in a world that insisted heterosexuality was normal, expected and ideal, I also learned that most folks believed that homosexuals were sick, dangerous, immoral, ungodly and abnormal. They even had Bible verses to support their claims (even if most of the people saying so didn't actually follow the rest of the Bible). I received this message universally—on the playground, in the media and at church (first at the Roman Catholic Church of my early youth and then at string of other faith communities including Fundamentalist, Evangelical and ultimately Charismatic churches I ...

Very last minute a Friend asked me to come help staff a Peace Camp reunion weekend at The Meeting School in New Hampshire. So glad I said yes. The weather is fresh and cool and summery and lovely here. AND they have wi-fi. I'm sitting outside (because in the words of my father, "It would be a SIN to be inside on a day like today") and have a nice strong signal. Some sheep sit lazily under an apple tree nearby. Ah, in the words of Kurt Vonnegut 's uncle (as quoted in Vonnegut's last book) If this isn't nice, I don't know what is . Going off-line soon to take a nap. Yummy. But I wanted to share an image that popped up in my e-mail today. Not too long ago I ordered some anti-gay literature from Focus on the Family. You know, just to see what they had to say (as if I didn't already know). Well, since that time I have gotten onto some sort of monster Conservative Evangelical Christian mailing list and get all sorts of things through e-mail and regular...

The New Statesman , a UK current affairs magazine asked me to write a short article on the topic of being gay--is it a choice or not? I said it is not a choice which they were pleased about because they found someone who said that it IS a choice (turns out they tapped Richard Cohen for the job). In my piece I draw on some of the science as well as my own experience as a gay man. Being gay myself, many folks consider me an expert on all things gay. Did Alexander the great have a male lover? What does the Bible say about homosexuality? For my bay window, should I use lace or chintz curtains? As a gay theatrical performance activist, the most common question I get is: “how old are you?” Such a rude question, but completely understandable because of my wild past including the 17-year quest to transform myself into a heterosexual with side trips to Zambia, England, and Ecuador plus a five year marriage. They look at my fresh, young face and wonder 'how did you do all that?' I expla...

The filmmaker, Tom Murray , just put up a clip from his film Fish Can't Fly . In it Dr. Joe Kort talks about ex-gay therapy and how he sees it as a form of sexual abuse. The harmful effects of reparative therapy are they mirror what happens to someone who's been sexually abused. If you take someone who's been sexually abused that what happens to them is that they have been dominated as a child by another, an adult's sexuality. What the message they're given is "You don't matter. My sexuality is superior." Hear more for yourself.

Morgan J. Fox took video of the Survivor Initiative press conference outside of Love in Action in Memphis, TN. The event was organized by Soulforce. Ex-gay survivors David Christie and Brandon Tidwell share their stories of how pursuing to change and suppress their sexuality caused more harm than good. They stood up in front of Love in Action as a witness and a warning to others. You can learn more about the Memphis event here . Part One Part Two

I go off-line for one day, and the e-mails and rss feeds and google alerts just pile up! Here is a little round-up of what is going on out there. First I want to mention Jim Burroway's post about the "Lesbian Gangs" . This story provides perfect fodder for urban legends and gets spread like a virus by all sorts of folks who talk about truth and family values. Now I admit we actually have a huge lesbian gang problem in my home state of Connecticut. Some of my closest lesbian friends are gang members, well, actually it is more of a parents' support meeting and playgroup for their kids, but still these gals are pretty severe. They make their kids go to bed by 8 pm! Ethan Jacobs at Bay Windows just published a detailed piece about the Ex-Gay Survivor Movement with lots of coverage about the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference (ans especially the Chalk Talk), the public apology by former Exodus leaders, the dinner with current Exodus leaders and the on-going Survivor Initiative o...

This morning in Memphis, TN two ex-gay survivors, David Christie and Brandon Tidwell , shared some of their experiences as ex-gays and now as former ex-gays. They then presented collages of their journey to the Love in Action (LIA) staff. The event was organized by Soulforce as part of their Survivor Initiative. (You can view David's collage here . Brandon's is here . See ALL the collages here . Video of their statements and the presentation of the collages is here and here .) Seems LIA staff were confused as to the nature of the event and the organizers . I was not there myself (I'm doin' time in Hartford--aka home), but I heard that right before the press conference began, an LIA staff member came out to group that was gathering and asked repeatedly, "Where is Peterson Toscano?" Here's their official statement: Actually during the press conference in Memphis, I was home in Connecticut on the phone having actual dialog with an ex-gay leader (It was a p...

Ah, I had a lovely weekend in the Catskill Mountains (New York State) visiting my dad . Steve Boese joined me for the excursion which included meandering meals, lots of lively conversation and little road trips on country roads. Steve even looked in at the cottage that I own which sits right by my Dad's house. (photo is of me in front of it when I was age seven) The cottage now needs some work after the former tenants let it go, but I have such a clear vision for the place--simple, rustic, comfortable and designed for hospitality. I envision a table filled with food and surrounded by interesting, creative, thoughtful people enjoying each other's company (folks like YOU). On the two acres of land I also have plans to plant an orchard and loads of wild flowers and let some of the field go back to a natural state to provide a habitat for the local animals that find themselves getting edged off the land by developers. All in all a relaxing weekend which was still wonderfully produ...

Barbara Leavitt is a straight woman who married her husband over two decades ago in a Mormon Temple (Latter Day Saints--LDS). They spoke the other day outside of Evergreen International, an ex-gay program in Salt Lake City. Lester turned to Evergreen for help for his same-sex attractions. The Salt Lake Tribune published a piece about Barbara and Lester. When she married her husband Lester in a 1981 LDS temple wedding, Barbara Leavitt had big plans. "I was going to be the best wife ever," she said this week with a small, rueful laugh. But Barbara always knew there was a part of Lester she'd never reach, some secret, private place filled with thoughts and feelings he'd never share. In 2006, after 25 years of marriage, it all came out - or rather, Lester did. For most of his life, Lester struggled with his attraction to other men, avidly seeking help and reading literature from organizations that claimed to help gay people become heterosexual or to help weaken attrac...

What : Gay men visit Love in Action to tell of the psychological and spiritual harm that they experienced there and in other "ex-gay" ministries. Three survivors of the controversial residential program will present Love in Action with personal artwork depicting the damage caused by the message that gays and lesbians can and should change their sexual orientation. When: Tuesday, July 17, at 10:30 a.m. Where: Love in Action, 4780 Yale Road, Memphis, Tennessee Who : David Christie is a former Love in Action client who spent 13 years in ex-gay therapy before accepting himself as a gay man at the age of 28. Brandon Tidwell completed Love in Action's adult residential program in 2002, but ultimately rejected the organization's theology and reconciled his sexual orientation with his Christian faith. Other participants: Jeffrey Harwood, Lance Carroll Why: Love in Action (LIA) is a Christian residential program that claims to help clients "break out" of "h...

I love Sweden, especially because of some very dear friends I have there. Courageous people who explore their lives, sexuality and faith in so many creative ways from Karaoke to Monster drawings . Lots of folks think that Sweden is a gay paradise where EVERYONE is absolutely accepting and affirming. They do have progressive laws for gays and lesbians (although my state of Connecticut provide better legal protection for transgender people than Sweden's current laws), but tensions, challenges and difficulties still exist. Noa Resare (the other husband in the team of Alex and Noa) recently helped organize the Rainbow Mass up in Umeå. He shares a story of the event and the growth of one Lutheran priest in the process: One of my responsibilities today was to arrange a Rainbow mass in the lutheran church at the center of our town. Finding a priest willing and able to step in and celebrate with us when the one we had asked had to cancel for medical reasons was more difficult than I had i...

Yesterday I wrote about Barbara and Lester Leavitt and their press conference outside of the Latter Day Saint's program Evergreen ex-gay program. In addition to telling their stories, the Leavitt showed up to give the Evergreen leadership specially designed collages of the Leavitt's ex-gay survivor narratives. Christine Bakke has spent hours creating beautiful and expressive collages about our lives as survivors. We each provide Christine with photos, journal entries, poems, scripture, etc and see soaks it all in then creates the piece. (You can see mine here ) It takes her four to six hours to design, sometimes longer. As she builds the piece, she absorbs the hopes, the pain, the disappointments of the survivors. Much like our Chalk Talk at the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference , the creation of the collages is a meditation on the ex-gay experience--the good and the harm. For Barbara and Lester, Christine created two collages that dramatically demonstrate the breaking apart of...

I wrote earlier about Claire Willett of Portland, OR and Daniel Stotenberg of Seattle, who attended the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference and shared some of their experiences on video . Lots of survivors are also blogging about their experiences. On Tuesday two other survivors came forward to tell their story in a very public way. Their stories reveal the diversity of ex-gay experiences. Most people believe that the average ex-gay is a struggling gay or lesbian who attends an Exodus program. Although Exodus boasts it is the nation's largest ex-gay ministry, I believe most people seek to change and suppress their sexuality outside of Exodus on their own, through their faith communities and in non-Exodus programs. Barbara and Lester Leavitt were devout Mormons who sought to build a strong family. One major hurdle they had to overcome was Lester's attractions for other men. Through teachings from the Church of Latter Day Saints and direct help from the Evergreen ex-gay program, the Leav...

We have been getting some great e-mails from people who attended the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference. Also, lots of folks have been blogging about their experiences. Check out the BeyondExGay.com Conference Reflections page here . Also, if you blogged about your experience and reflections on the conference, let us know. If you don't blog (wait, there are people who don't blog???), send an e-mail to bxg @ beyondexgay.com

I shared the other day how Christine Bakke , Daniel Gonzales and I went to New Life Church in Colorado Springs to share some of our stories as ex-gay survivors. You can read about the event here and see our collages designed by Christine. Below is some video where we tell some of our stories and why we went to New Life. Part One Part Two Why Go to New Life Church? Earlier today I called and left a message for the pastor who asked me to contact him. I look forward to chatting with him.

Ex-Gay Watch reports about a letter PFOX (Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays) posted on their MySpace account. The letter lashes out at Ex-Gay Survivors with a threatened and aggrieved tone. While you all claim in websites, protests, in organizations, or coalitions, to want to help people who are "trapped in the ex-gay movement," you seem to be more concerned with sticking your nose in my business, and telling me the way you think I should live, along with who I am. You don't know me, and you don't know my needs and wants snip I'm sorry you supposedly tried to "change" and didn't, but I did, so please respect that. The only thing that your organizations tell me is that because of some bad experiences you all had in the past, you've decided to carry your bitterness over to people like me, and try to rub it in my face, along with everyone else who desires change. You get the point. Reading this defensive response, I hear someone who genuinely feels t...

This morning I joined ex-gay survivors Christine Bakke and Daniel Gonzales at New Life Church in Colorado Springs, CO. This is Pastor Ted Haggard's former church. Late last year he admitted to drug usage and sexual relations with another man. After 3 weeks of counseling, he was proclaimed 100 percent heterosexual. This highlighted the existence of ex-gay conversion therapy and also spread lots of misinformation. We know that New Life Church has been through a lot and that they warmly received Mike Jones,(the man Ted Haggard had been with) some months ago, so we didn't wish to protest them. We also were sensitive that this was during their time of worship, so we assembled in between their services. We stood at a distance on the sidewalk and read our statements. A TV news crew arrived. The three of us then walked to the World Prayer Center to hand over the framed collages about our ex-gay journeys (Christine designed these). We out ran the TV crew because we didn't want to ...

A few weeks ago I posted video of Jose Luis Maccarone who served as a missionary to Spain in an attempt to start up an ex-gay ministry. After trying for years to be an ex-gay, living in celibacy and even giving up his career as an attorney in Argentina, he came to the conclusion that change is not possible nor is it necessary. He speaks about what it was like to be a leader for Exodus International (note: Alan Chambers wants to make it clear that although it didn't exist as such at the time, that Jose went to Spain with Exodus Global Alliance). Today he has a new message I just uploaded video of Jose sharing his story in Spanish which I have also posted at Dos Equis .

Over at her blog Christine responds to snarky comments Alan Chambers, president of Exodus International, left over at Shawn O'Donnell's blog. Shawn wrote about the moving experience he had at the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference, The most emotional part of the weekend was a chalk talk we did... where people shared their emotions about their ex-gay experiences on this huge sheet of paper. The entire ceremony was done in silence. It gave me the chills. I don't believe there was a dry eye. I felt like I was at the Veteran Memorial or the Holocaust museum. To which Alan lashes out, Harm? Come on, Shawn. No one is being harmed by Exodus offering people a choice. You KNOW better. Christine digs into this choice that Alan offers, Now, about the "choice" issue. What choice are they offering? Is it the choice between being kicked out of your church, or being loved as "the struggler?" Is it the choice between a relationships with parents who believe we can and s...

I loved seeing fellow bloggers at the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference including Eugene who posted about the surprise of seeing folks he knew from his days at a Christian college. This got Eugene thinking about how the church treats its non-straight members. As always with Eugene deep insights abound, Side A, B, X or otherwise, the day is coming when the evangelical church will have to face the fact that there are more of us than it ever imagined; that we are their children, siblings, friends, colleagues and ministry partners; and that any constructive solution to that "problem" will necessarily involve acknowledging that we're always going to be here, that we're not evil and out to destroy the church, and that we can no more go away by morphing into heterosexuals than we can by vanishing into nonexistence. The church can continue to issue ultimatums and show the door to many of its most talented and enthusiastic members, but by doing so it reveals a heart that's sele...

Christine Bakke posted a blog entry today about some of the events that took place on Sunday during the optional activities for the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference. The big question we had was, What do we do with the Chalk Talk??? We created such a powerful group statement that we couldn't just throw away. Having documented it through the pictures and videos we took, Christine and Pat Walsh and others came up with a beautiful idea of what to do with it. See for yourself. Daniel Gonzales took loads of video during the conference and asked people to talk about change. Did they feel they did change while they were ex-gay? What was that like? He has these posted over at Box Turtle Bulletin. Here is video of my friend Scott who also attended Love in Action. And here is video of Ron, who used to be a Love in Action house leader. You can see more here . And earlier in the week Daniel asked a few of us the same question.

On the blogs and in the media folks are still wrapping their heads around the many ex-gay and ex-ex-gay events that took place last week. Many of these events were organized by Beyond Ex-Gay (bXg) and Soulforce , the most notable being the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference , the public apology by three former Exodus leaders and a private dinner attended by three people from Exodus and four ex-gay survivors. Those of us involved in planning the events of last week are still catching our breath from it all. After nearly a year of planning, it felt stunning to see our dreams and thoughts come to life. Christine and I (with tons of help from our friend Steve Boese) launched bXg in April. Shortly after that we announced the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference that we co-hosted with Soulforce and the LGBT Resource Center at UC Irvine. Anyone who has spent any time looking at the bXg site can get an idea of what Christine and I are about and what some of our goals are. There we post narratives of fellow...

Many people have written to me about how meaningful the Chalk Talk experience was for them this weekend at the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference . The folks at Soulforce displayed some photos on their site that I have posted here as well. The Chalk Talk provides participants an opportunity to engage in a group discourse through writing and drawing. The facilitator ( Jallen Rix and me in this case) provides a large blank writing space (white board or sheets of paper), plenty of markers and enough room for people to move around so they can write and see. The activity is conducted in silence. The idea comes directly from my work as a CFG Coach and my training with the National School Reform Faculty . CFG coaches provide ways for teachers to improve their teaching practice through peer professional development facilitated through the use of various protocols. The Chalk Talk is one such protocol. They have many others --may favorites being the text-based protocols and the Future Protocol. As a ...