Peterson Toscano's A Musing

Well that is the sort of way we used to refer to Halloween during my Pentecostal Christian days. (Although growing up and gorging on candy, I felt like hurling demons.) In Memphis lots of the conservative family churches held "Harvest Parties" on Halloween for fear of giving the devil a foothold if the kids got too ghoulish. And I am sure some of you have heard of the Hell House craze blazing across the US scaring the snot out of kids in hopes of bringing them to Christ. But my FAVORITE Halloween story comes from fellow ex-gay survivor, Christine Bakke as it appeared in Glamour Magazine . She recalls the church group her parents joined in Oregon, where instead of Halloween celebrations they held an annual Hallelujah Party with kids dressing as their favorite Bible characters. (Even at 11 she had a nonconformist streak: “All the girls wanted to be Mary,” she says, laughing. “I went as a leper!”) I just e-mailed her to see if she had any of those torn and dirty rags to lend m...

Jessica Yu , Academy Award winning documentary filmmaker and creator of the beautiful and slightly creepy movie, In the Realms of the Unreal has a new film called Protagonist. The official site for the film states, On one level, "Protagonist" intercuts the first-person narratives of four men who seem to have nothing in common except their charisma: a former German terrorist, a student of martial arts, a "formerly gay" evangelist and a serial bank robber. But this is only the beginning. For Yu, who looks on editing as "weaving straw into gold," intercuts these stories not only with each other but with several different kinds of material. She has wooden rod puppets constructed by Janie Geiser doing brief scenes from the plays of Euripides, recited in ancient Greek. She has the same puppets performing scenes from the lives of these four men. And she has a dozen or so 15-second animated moments that go with single thematic words like "provocation,...

This weekend I saw my friend Bob Painter, a fellow ex-gay survivor, play the role of Joseph in the musical Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat. (He has a GREAT voice) In the musical a scene hit me hard and reminded me of our time in the Love in Action program, a residential ex-gay program in Memphis, TN. It was a dreadful time in so many ways and seeing this one scene brought up strong feelings. Another ex-gay survivor, Vince Cervantes, has inspired me with recent video series about his ex-gay experiences. (See his latest one here ). Below is a video where I talk about this and share some clips of Bob's performance. Like musical Joseph, there is also a happy ending to my story. Here you can see more of Bob's wonderful performance.

Some of you may know that Warren Throckmorton has been working on creating guidelines for counselors and therapists who work with clients who feel an incongruence between their faith and their sexual desires. (This is a simplistic description). In response to an e-mail exchange with Michael Bussee where Bussee highlighted various harms as a result of the ex-gay experience, on his blog Warren acknowledges that "approaches to change may result in these hurts" and reminds readers that he has criticized such approaches in the past. It is the first time though that he has said anything substantive about harm since the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference and the growing proliferation of narratives about ex-gay harm on the web and in the press. Warren doesn't go into much detail in his blog entry other than listing some of Michael's concerns and providing a few of the extreme examples. Today I left the following comment at Warren's blog: Warren, I find it admirable and essentia...

Currently I'm reading Michael Warner's book The Trouble with Normal-- Sex, Politics, and the Ethics of Queer Life . In it Warner writes about the process of being stigmatized by the general society and the effects this process has on our identity, particularly the ambivalence the stigmatized persons may feel when faced with examples (drag queens, leather festivals, flamboyantly feminine men) of the group(s) in which they "belong". (This works for us Christians when we see someone extreme like a screaming thoughtless preacher on the street corner. Or for Quakers when one of us misbehaves and supports the war or God forbid, Israel.) As someone who lived ex-gay for nearly two decades, when I came "out" I wanted nothing to do with what I thought of as the shady side of the gay lifestyle. I wanted to be a "good gay", an example to the rest of the gay hating world that we are not all wild and crazy. This did not rise out of my faith or morals, but from t...

Yes, a new baby blogger, and turns out I am partly responsible. Sweet. Concerned Citizen writes, Hello there! I see you've found your way to my blog. In the coming weeks and months, I hope to inform the public as to my thoughts on current issues as well as give advice to that same public, telling them how they can get involved and affecting change on this wonderful planet of ours. I was inspired to make this blog by my good friend, Peterson Toscano. Peterson is an activist playwright and one-man show. He has his own blog, viewable here. He held a discussion group over the weekend on the subject of activism and how to get involved in your community. One of the mentioned methods was blogging, so here I am, making a blog. So please encourage this new blogger and read the great post about Zimbabwe and post a welcoming comment. The Musings of a Worried Mind

Phew, so nice to blog about everyday things and not one of those L O N G and serious blog entries. I arrived in Rochester, NY yesterday and tonight did a talk, Homo No Mo? A Provocative Evening with Peterson Toscan o . I did excerpts from Homo No Mo and Queer 101 , (the scene with Chad & Federico Garcia Lorca) and then a little bit from Transfigurations . The amazing thing about the presentation is that it was only confirmed late yesterday afternoon, and through the wonder of social networking via Facebook, loads of people got invited and a good number turned out. Alex at Pride Network and Nils of the Eco House (who I know from New England Quakers) organized the event. So yes, Facebook is awesome. I stayed in Eco House, a cooperative living arrangement where they do loads of things to live in such a way to decrease their environmental footprint. They hang their clothes to dry (dryers use tons of energy), they buy local produce, maintain a vegetarian household (then went vegan whi...

Last week I posted a blog entry outlining the various types of harm ex-gay survivors may experience. In Ex-Gay Harm--Let Me Count the Ways I listed nine categories of areas where people who attempted to live ex-gay or were coerced to do so might experience harm: emotional psychological spiritual relationship financial career physical sexual developmental One commenter, John, suggested a 10th category of intellectual harm. Many people commented so far giving specific examples of how they experienced harm in one or more of the categories. Reading these accounts I imagine many people feel moved by the pain and suffering ex-gay survivors have endured and still endure. I also find it encouraging that survivors have also found ways to recover and reclaim their lives. In this post I want to address specific groups of people--Ex-Gay Survivors, Current Ex-Gays, Ex-Gay Providers, and Allies. I ask the query, But what does this mean for you? Ex-Gay Survivors Seeing the categories of harm, readi...

In the past 4.5 years I have been in contact with over 1000 ex-gay survivors. These are people who pursued ex-gay experiences, either on their own, or more often, assisted by others like a therapist, minister, ex-gay program. They attempted to change or suppress their sexual orientation and may have referred to themselves as ex-gays or simply strugglers or by some other name. Through hearing their stories (some of which are posted on Beyond Ex-Gay--bXg ) and in unpacking my own ex-gay journey, I have begun to understand the many ways people can be harmed by their ex-gay experiences. Many of us also received certain benefits from our ex-gay experiences, but in most cases the harm outweighs the good. I realize that the ex-gay experience is not the only culprit in bringing harm. The anti-gay church and a homophobic society and in many cases one's own family contribute to the damage. But what the ex-gay experience does is deepen that harm by offering hope for some sort of change or f...

Art by Quakers fills my life today. Some months ago Robert Batson, a member of Hartford Friends Meeting (aka Quaker), exhibited some of his work at the meeting house. The art captured my attention, and I purchased piece. Today I brought home the 18"x24" Untitled painting by Robert. I love the colors and the use of space and the emotions, some contrary, that piece expresses to me. (click on it for larger view) Then after meeting we had our monthly potluck lunch where I met a visitor, a retired high school art teacher. Sadly I did not catch his name, but he offered to draw something on my journal cover. He created this dove. Finally while sitting with Jamie Taylor, a Friend from meeting, we chatted about literature and art (and a thousand other things. A PhD candidate doing research in public policy and homelessness, Jamie embraces many interests--poetry, meditation, social justice issues, dynamics of relationships, etc. So we converse broadly) As we talked about art and the s...

Yeah, I feel happy today. A reporter once asked me if after all of my time in the ex-gay world, if now that I have sorted that out and embraced myself as a Christian who happens to be gay (and lots more) if I am now happy. I understand the question, but I think it silly and inane. I mean, happy??? I mean is anyone truly happy? Content? Yes. Peaceful? Totally. Settled and hopeful? Completely. But happy? No. Rarely do I feel happy. It might just be my general disposition. Although I can be sanguine, I tend to lean toward melancholy. I eat up sad songs and sad poems. The existentialism of Ecclesiastes and Baudelaire draws me. Also, look at the world! Lots of stuff out there gets me down. Bad stuff. Wrong stuff. Unnecessarily cruel stuff. But today I feel absolutely happy and joyful. Such a simple day in many ways but thoroughly satisfying. After a pleasant evening with Mike Airhart and Steve F (with his guide dog Whitley), I woke up well rested after eight hours of sleep. In the morn...

Later this month after my show at SUNY Brockport (near Rochester, NY), I fly to Columbus, OH to see my buddy Bobby Painter perform as the leading role of Joseph in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat (and if you saw my last presentation at Greenbelt, you will know what that story is REALLY all about!) I just got confirmation that while I am in Columbus I will perform Doin' Time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House at New Creation Metropolitan Community Church, Sunday October 28 at 7:00 PM. You can get the full details at my site . So if you are in the Columbus area, come on by (and if you want to see Bobby as Joseph, let me know and I will get you the details. He is an amazing singer and has been working out for weeks for the half-naked scenes. Biblical theater can be so racy.) The following weekend (Nov 2-4) I will be in Estes Park with the Quakers (outside of Denver) and although it has not been confirmed yet, I may present something at the Denver MCC--Metropolitan Church o...

On the road I meet loads of people who live partially out of the closet. They do have some queer friends, especially on-line. They may have someone in their lives "who knows" but they tell virtually no one on their job, in their family, or in their place of worship that they may be lesbian or gay or bisexual. (I don't mention transgender people because I can understand many of the healthy reasons to be silent about the trans experience). And I can see why many LGB folks silence themselves about their orientation. I get the e-mails and talk to folks who perceive that to come out would be mean loss--colossal loss of relationships, jobs, housing, financial support for college, and even expulsion from precious faith communities. In most states in the USA, one is not protected on the job in regards to sexual orientation (and it is worse for trans folks). Then there is the physical danger. Even in parts of liberal NYC, to walk hand-in-hand with someone of the same sex provokes...

Here at this blog I have featured the stories of women married to men who tried to live straight lives, but ultimately could not. The stories and the comments left by others, some just trying to come to grips with their husbands' sexuality, sadden me and move me. The most common key words in search engines that bring people to this sight have to do with questions like, How do I know if my husband is gay? In the post My Gay Husband--A Spouse Speaks Out , Susanne tells some of her story. Just today a women left the following comment. I've been married for 15 yrs. to a caring man. However, he's always had a low sex drive, not ED but more like avoiding sex. He watches movies late at night and goes to bed after me. I've tried many times to approach him on this, but always comes up with an excuse, like we just had sex last week, in reality it could be a couple of months ago, or he says well you fell asleep before me. He vowes that he loves me and does alot of kind things fo...

Vince Cervantes, an ex-gay survivor and one of the this year's Soulforce Equality Riders (and an attender of this summer's Ex-Gay Survivor Conference ), has been sharing his experiences on his blog and through video. In the following two videos he goes into detail about the reasons he pursued a variety of ex-gay therapies and ministries. He really captures the mindset, the motivations and the conflicts that many us experienced when we lived ex-gay lives. About the videos he writes: I finally share about my personal experience with conversion therapy and the ex-gay movement. I know I ramble and I'm a bit all over the place in this blog (forgive me, I'm sick). I will elaborate through writing, but feel free to ask questions--I'm always willing to share. Thank you Vince for coming forward and sharing your story.

I mentioned in my previous post that I have begun to work on some new projects. One of these is fixing up my cottage that is located in the New York State Catskills nestled in the hills of Sullivan County. About two years ago I got some land with the cottage on it. Lovely little building that used to sit on the nearby lake but over 70 years ago before someone relocated it up the hill and settled it on the property that I now own. The cottage sits on a grassy ridge overlooking a meadow. All together I have two acres of land. Although a nice looking structure, years of neglect left it desperately in need of a new roof, some other structural work and major clean-up. The floors sag from rot. In other words it is not yet ready for habitation. But last week workers finished the roof, so it will no longer leak, and I can begin to get to work on the interior. My plans include keeping it simple. A wood stove for the heating system. A composting toilet . Some solar panels to help with the elec...

It would be a perfect autumn day if it weren't so darn hot and if the trees had actually begun to change color. Usually Columbus Day Weekend (a dreadful commemoration of genocide and greed) is the "peak" weekend for seeing the trees. With the high temperatures and lack of rain, the trees remain green, or simply turn brown and quickly drop to the ground. I just put up some more performances over at my performance schedule . Others are in the works, but I don't have enough details to post them yet. I purposely have cut back on my presentations this autumn, in large part because I have begun to work on some new projects and need more time at home to dig into them. One of these is my Transfigurations play, which looks at the lives and stories of transgender, genderqueer and gender-different in the Bible and the world today. I shared some of this material at Greenbelt and received an enthusiastic response. Ultimately I hope to turn the piece into a musical. I am schedu...

Barbara Leavitt, a woman married for over 20 years to a man who no matter what he tried could not change the fact that he is oriented to romance and attraction to men, has recently begun to speak out and tell her story. Without bitterness towards her ex-gay husband, in fact, with great compassion and understanding, Barbara has told her story over on Beyond Ex-Gay , in video presentations and at press conferences. Here is video of a recent press conference organized by Truth Wins Out in Tampa, FL in response to the Family Impact Summit, a gathering Christian leaders who went out of their way to spread falsehoods about LGBT people. They also promoted ex-gay conversion therapies and ministries. Thank you Barbara for stepping up and telling your story.