Here at this blog I have featured the stories of women married to men who tried to live straight lives, but ultimately could not. The stories and the comments left by others, some just trying to come to grips with their husbands' sexuality, sadden me and move me.
The most common key words in search engines that bring people to this sight have to do with questions like, How do I know if my husband is gay? In the post My Gay Husband--A Spouse Speaks Out, Susanne tells some of her story. Just today a women left the following comment.
Many of these women feel trapped in a world where they dare not talk to friends and family. They can feel isolated and often hopeless.
Truth Wins Out has issued a video of four women, all formerly married to men who turned out to be gay. Some of their husbands even tried ex-gay therapy. These women tell their stories simply and raise a red flag about ex-gay conversion therapy.
At BeyondExGay.com (bXg) we also feature the story of Barbara Leavitt, a Mormon woman who married a man who turned out to be gay even after getting "help". I saw in my 17 years in the ex-gay movement, that the vast majority of mixed marriages--ex-gay with straight a straight spouse, ended in divorce leaving a wake of pain and confusion and loss. And sadly there are often few people willing to help pick up the pieces and support these spouses who suddenly face very difficult choices.
This year for National Coming Out Day, let's remember the spouses--they too are ex-gay survivors and their stories deserve to be heard as a witness and a warning.
The most common key words in search engines that bring people to this sight have to do with questions like, How do I know if my husband is gay? In the post My Gay Husband--A Spouse Speaks Out, Susanne tells some of her story. Just today a women left the following comment.
I've been married for 15 yrs. to a caring man. However, he's always had a low sex drive, not ED but more like avoiding sex. He watches movies late at night and goes to bed after me. I've tried many times to approach him on this, but always comes up with an excuse, like we just had sex last week, in reality it could be a couple of months ago, or he says well you fell asleep before me. He vowes that he loves me and does alot of kind things for me. However, I starting to feel resentment towards him that sometimes I wish I could just jump off a bridge. I have not found any proof that he is cheating with a man or a woman.Over at my Spanish blog, I received a similar comment from a woman who does not know how to respond to the fact that her husband looks at gay porn. When asked about it, he denies being gay and won't talk any more about it.
I do know that when he was a kid he was molested by a man once. I do not want to be insensitive to what he maybe going through. Whether he is gay or I don't know what. However, life is short and I feel like I deserve to be loved physically. I don't see cheating as an option, for I know that is not the answer. I would rather find out the truth even it hurts. I do not how to begin.
Many of these women feel trapped in a world where they dare not talk to friends and family. They can feel isolated and often hopeless.
Truth Wins Out has issued a video of four women, all formerly married to men who turned out to be gay. Some of their husbands even tried ex-gay therapy. These women tell their stories simply and raise a red flag about ex-gay conversion therapy.
At BeyondExGay.com (bXg) we also feature the story of Barbara Leavitt, a Mormon woman who married a man who turned out to be gay even after getting "help". I saw in my 17 years in the ex-gay movement, that the vast majority of mixed marriages--ex-gay with straight a straight spouse, ended in divorce leaving a wake of pain and confusion and loss. And sadly there are often few people willing to help pick up the pieces and support these spouses who suddenly face very difficult choices.
This year for National Coming Out Day, let's remember the spouses--they too are ex-gay survivors and their stories deserve to be heard as a witness and a warning.
Comments
Carol B.
Almost always we entered these marriages in good faith with hope buoyed up by the people we looked to for guidance. Many of us men left the marriages broken hearted in our own ways, crushed by promises and hopes that we never realized no matter how often we were told to believe the impossible.
Thanks for commenting Carol.
I do think, however, that this was a great effort to spread the word about National Coming Out Day. It was definitely moving. And it sounded like it was genuinely important to the ex-wives of these victims of ex-gay programs to give their message.
I thought I'd post something on her behalf, but then I saw that she'd already spoken up! (Hi, Mom.)
I do think that's a trivializing of a phrase.
-Liz (Carol's daughter)
Liz, thanks for stopping by and adding your words. Ultimately it is most powerful when we get to tell our own stories. Once someone does the telling, the story changes, even slightly.
A big part of National Coming Out Day is about telling our own stories in our own words, and that includes the stories of daughters of gay parents as well as trans bois, bisexuals and so many others.
Oops!
-Liz
Dan
But I never believed sexual orientation could be changed and I was spared the burden of religion and the need to throw it off before being able to see the world as it is. I guess I'm lucky that there is enough bi in me. Do you suppose that is the secret?
In my years of experience, men marry simply because they met someone that they loved. Yes many of them were confused, many of them were in denial, many of them did not understand and many of them did not know how to understand themselves... but this happens in many, many marriages, in many different situations and with either of the spouses.
I also need to point out that in my experience there are those men that are gay and there are those men that are truly bisexual and in that there still remains great difficulty in living this out. It is also very common for me to hear of men that truly had no understanding of themselves until much later in their lives. When the marriage is new, the children are small and careers are starting, this often doesnt rise to the surface simply because life is busy.
If I could say one thing to a wife in this situation, it would be that, Id be willing to bet the farm that HE DID MARRY YOU FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.... HE LOVED YOU! You may not be feeling it right now, but had he not loved you, you would have known... You know this man.... are you truly convinced that he never loved you? No it was not a sham... it was a mistake (and no shortage of marriages have been there.)
Also I want to point out that I have heard from HUNDREDS and HUNDREDS of bi and gay married men and I hear no shortage of stories where the wife DOES know and they still CHOSE to make their lives together work. As for me I informed my beautiful wife before we married 17 years ago that I am bi and I have no problem saying that I love her more today than the day I married her (albeit it has not always been easy!)
This is a very world altering situation all around, and unfortunately one where there are often few winners. My heart goes out to both sides of this coin.... yes BOTH sides. Perhaps this pain will help us work towards a better world where such doesnt have to play out this way for our children.
Everything fell into place and it all made sense why he did certain things throughout the years. I began to notice him checking out men in the mall and I too googled, "I think my husband is gay" and he exhibited all the signs listed. I was devastated, confused, and I still am. I tried for 6 years to work it out after. We were married for 15 years and we were Mormon. I tried to make things work, however, it got to the point, where I just could not handle it anymore. He constantly lied to me and I am just mentally so messed up. He still denies it despite having confessed to 3 Bishops and a stake president. What angers me is that only one shared that with me, which I will always be grateful that the Bishop made him tell me. I deserved to know. We have been separated for 3 years and I am working on filing the divorce papers. Our little family is torn apart and I am a wreck mentally.
It has been 9 years later since that fateful day when I found out and I am still sad, messed up, and exhausted by everything. He still lies and tries to tell me he doesn't like men which makes everything hard and messes up my head. I begin to think I am crazy. I'm seeking a good support group and other people who have gone through this to try to heal and move past this.
It angers me that society and certain religions look down on gays or people who are bi that they feel the need to lie or hide their true selves. If society and people would just allow them to be with who they want to be with and who they are internally, then maybe they would not feel the need to try to live the straight life or try to marry someone who is straight.
Separated for 5 weeks presently. I found a friend on Match but when he got romantic I panicked. I'll never trust another man really. I just feel used.
Still when I compare with stories here I know I'm lucky. He says he loves me....
I think now almost ALL men are gay or bi. Bitter truth- they may love you BUT they really just want the thrill of promiscuity generally. It tastes better behind your back doesn't it. Oh sure, keep the marriage for the public. Best of both worlds for them. I wish he'd just leave me so I could be honest with the world