Peterson Toscano's A Musing

Recently Christine Dinsmore interviewed me for a profile piece in the LGBT regional magazine Inside Out Hudson Valley . (You can download a copy of the piece here ). I could not wait to see the piece because for it she interviewed my dad , Pete Toscano. What would he say??? There are some things he doesn't talk too much about, but somehow he easily opens up to a stranger. He's been interviewed before for his involvement in the Korean War, and I learned more about his war service from those articles than from anything he ever told us directly. He is very affirming of me, but even so, I didn't have a clue of what he might share. From When a Dos Equis Is More Than a Beer--Peterson Toscano navigates the ex-gay movement In many ways, Doin’ Time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House is as much a tribute to family as it is a diatribe against the ex-gay movement. Pete Toscano, who served in both the marines and army, belies the stereotypes of Italian father and soldier. He is proud of h...

In this past year having spent loads of time with my Italian-American family in New York, I have come to some conclusions about our similarities to JRR Tolkein's Hobbits . You are either a hobbit or an Italian-American if you... Eat more than six meals a day Feel shorter than most people on earth (and Middle Earth) Have a large extended family and everyone practically lives on top of each other Feel obligated to invite your entire extended family to every family gathering (even if most of them drive you batty). Often are mistaken for a dwarf Never are mistaken for an elf Look to men in flowing robes for spiritual advice Have a thing for rings Live long and tell good stories. Have a distinctive name. (My Hobbit name is Hambut Proudfoot) Are into designer clothing ( elfin or Zegna will both do) Have an inordinate amount of hair growing on your toes and out your ears

Photo taken by Pablo , a wonderful photographer and cool guy I met at Pendle Hill . You can check out more of his pics here and here .

Michelle Goldberg's new book Kingdom Coming: The Rise of Christian Nationalism explores the influence of radical religious right forces on American politics and policy. In a recent interview with Onnesha Roychoudhuri, Goldberg reveals that she first became aware of a Christian world co-existing with the mainstream when she attended an Exodus conference. One of the first pieces I did on the Christian right was on the ex-gay movement. What struck me going to the Exodus Conference was that it takes place in this whole entire parallel universe. They have their own psychologists, psychological institutions and their own version of professional medical literature. The amount of books, magazines and media, and the way it almost duplicated everything that we have in our so-called reality, is remarkable. What struck me years later when I was reporting on the Bush administration was that the parallel institutions that I had first come into contact with were replacing the mainstream instit...

Seems a lot of spiritual groaning has been going on these days. My buddy, Heath from TX, recently posted to his blog, (after a long absence). So many thoughts parallel my own these days. He writes. He muses over his own current struggles with Spirit. How he has an amazing spiritual moment and then it elusively turns to confusion. He writes. "The world is overflowing with sadness" - Rei, End of Evangelion Where does that leave us? Some of us hold onto a thread of hope that Christ will return soon enough, and all of the pain and heartache of life will be tossed into the wind and they'll lose themselves in that sacred union, and their Lover will never, ever leave them again. Others give up all together. They shrug the experience off, finding rational explanations for the love that they felt in that brief moment, blaming it on chemical reactions or their brain's own attempt to fufill it's deeply ingrained psychological need for connection and understanding. Others be...

Lots of concerts in my life these days. Two weeks ago I attended Donna Summer 's concert, then this weekend I went to the Jazz Festiva l at the newly opened Bethel Woods Performing Arts Center . I got to hear Diane Reeves , Chris Botti , Billy Childs and Wynton Marsalis . Last night I enjoyed live jazz right here in Hartford, CT as the Monday Night Jazz Concert series held in Bushnell Park. This Friday I will be interviewed on a local public station near my parents' home. Kathy Rieser hosts the Out Loud & Queer program. I will be her guest for the show on Friday, July 28, 2006 from 10:00 PM - 11:00 PM (I believe that is GMT -5) for you international types. I will do some excerpts from a few of my shows, tell funny and serious stories and I hope share some music from really cool queer artists. You can listen to the show through the magic live streaming by going here on Friday night. (go to the top right and choose MP3 or Real Audio)

So many people I meet who have had ex-gay experiences consider themselves post-Christians. Perhaps they do not use that term, but many who once had an Evangelical Conservative belief in Jesus now do not belong to any faith community and do not practice any religion. A friend recently mentioned that when she goes to a church service she experiences post traumatic stress. I know that feeling. Hearing a song we used to sing in a church where I now do not feel welcome anymore, my throat closes up and a muddiness rises in my heart. Even in rainbow-clad friendly churches, I can experience flashbacks to the days when I struggled with God to deliver me from my homosexual sin believing that if I didn't get free, I could not serve Him or enjoy his presence. I have to say that after years of living as an Evangelical Fundamentalist and sometimes Pentecostal/Charismatic Christian, I struggle with understanding and expressing my current faith and spirituality. I am a Christ-centered Quaker, but ...

No worries I have not joined Marvin in Memphis. Sorry I haven't been around. This week I travelled to Pendle Hill , a Quaker study center, where I led a workshop on identity and then performed Doin' Time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House for folks from high school age to senior citizens. GREAT CROWD and I got to see a bunch of dear Friends and made some new ones. The electricity was out most of the time, so no Internet or lights. I read by candlelight. Very quaint. Why have I been so silent lately? The reality is that my mother continues to suffer from cancer and seems to decline in her health each week. I am with my parents this weekend and have been most every week for two or three days at a time. (Thanks Roger for the use of your car!) We are a very close family, and she is the center of us all. I simply have not been in the mood to blog or even go on-line much. We all appreciate your prayers and thoughts at this time.

I have the details for my UK Appearances. I will be in Copenhagen, Denmark and Malmö, Sweden from September 17-26, 2006, but I don't have all the details yet. Will post them soon. Talkin' Trash in the Homo No Mo Halfway House (This presentation is a lively mixture of performance and talk) Saturday, August 26, 2006 10:00 PM Greenbelt Festival Cheltenham Racecourse, Cheltenham All Souls Cabaret Gloucestershire, England Doin' Time with Peterson Toscano (excerpts from various shows and previously unseen material) Friday, September 15, 2006, 7:00 PM Courage London, England Courage Members Only Find out more about Courage here (It is a great group to join!) Doin' Time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House Saturday, September 16, 2006, 7:15 PM Lesbian and Gay Christian Movement South Wales/De Cymru City Church URC Windsor Place (town centre) Cardiff, Wales Open to Public--£3 07719 644581 LGC Information Queer 101 and Bibliodrama Workshops Sept 29, 30 and October 1, 206 Disciplesh...

I've been reading and re-reading Jennifer Burke 's post Many men are unconscious of the privileges that come with being male . (Jennifer maintains a great blog with consistentintriguinging and informative pieces on trans people and issues.) I think a lot about straight male privilege in regards to "ex-gay" experiences. I believe that for some men, becoming straight-acting and identifying as straight (or at least no longer gay) opens doors of privilege, particularly in the white Protestant church. I doubt that is the primary reason why men seek change from being gay, but I believe it is one of many factors that have pressured us. I do not believe this is necessarily a factor with trans men, at least from the trans men I've known and dated, but it does create a change in how privilege works for some. Jennifer quotes from the Washington Post's Male Scientist Writes of Life as Female Scientist , an article that features Neurobiologist Ben Barres, who nine years ag...

Sitting on my parents' front porch in the Catskill Mountains (rural NY state) and a pigeon lands less than two feet from me. Unlike NYC where there are millions of pigeons (we referred to them as flying rats), we never see pigeons Upstate. That was until a few weeks ago when one mysteriously appeared with a red band on its leg. Skittish, it would never come near to us, but stayed for about three weeks. Then just as mysteriously it disappeared only to return today. Exhausted by the heat and hungry, it let me come quite close, give it water and some grains (barely and corn). It felt so comfortable, it even ambled into the house when my mom opened the door much to the delight of my nephews. Fortunately I was on-line and found out all sorts of info about lost birds including how to find their keepers. After a quick search, I got a phone number and within an hour Paul and Kathy, the very happy bird keepers, reuinited with their weary charge. Ah, I love the Internet. Now I know the anc...

Well it depends on who you ask, when you ask and under what circumstances. If ten years ago when I entered Love in Action, you asked me, I would say becuase of my faith in Jesus, the desire to find wholeness and healing and the hope to feel normal. My number one answer was always because of my relationship with God and my understanding of the scriptures based on how they were taught to me. But on deeper inspection, processing my experience through art and therapy and blogging and discussion, I've unearthed deeper reasons that fueled my drive for change. Jim Burroway over at Box Turtle Bulletin writes about a recent survey done by the ex-gay folks People Can Change (hmm, change--I imagine they don't just mean their underwear). No surprise the survey reveals what sounds like party line. I'm not saying that the survey participants answered dishonestly, but sometimes it takes time to figure out what is really motivating us. Jim writes about it clearly and thoughtfully. Read W...

Marvin's farewell message as he departs today for Love in Action.

Here are some more photos, mostly taken by Pearl, who was the Kinship photographer. The singers Jason & deMarco came to the retreat to do a concert right before my show. They also attended a workshop I led on the Ex-Gay Movement and ex-gay experiences many of us share. Marcos, the retreat organizer, did an amazing job of taking care of everyone and setting a friendly tone. Other pictures include the inside of a church in St. Augustine and some large birds that prowled around outside my room.

In the midst of all the Marvin madness, I've been in Florida--Orlando, Sarasota, St. Augustine and St. Petersburg to do shows for the Kinship 7th Day Adventist LGBT group and for Trinity Metropolitan Commumity Church . I also got to hang out with Fish Can't Fly filmaker Tom Murray and his partner Vince. Not much time to blog, but here are some pics. (I am a sucker for a sunset--see below.) /a>

After repeated attempts to speak with Marvin on the phone, I finally faxed him the following letter on Wednesday. I have yet to get a reply. Dear Marvin, I've struggled with what to say about your decision to sell your home and move to Memphis so that you can attend Love in Action. I am surprised that you do not answer the many phone messages I left you. But then again I am not. You have determined your course, and like a good soldier of the cross, I imagine that you will let nothing deter you from your goal. I know I can say nothing that will dissuade either. Ironically I entered Love in Action on July 13, 1996, exactly 10 years to the day of when you will start your program next week. No one could have stopped me then. I felt desperate, lost and determined. I felt overwhelmed by a world that seemed oppressively opposed to my beliefs and by sexual feelings that no matter how hard I tried to control them only seemed to mock me with their intensity. At that time I felt that I had no...

In which after much soul searching about his sexuality and the possibility of "change", Marvin announces a bold new direction in his life.

The 2nd edition of the new emergent Christian on-line magazine, Holy Muse , is now available. This month's article focus on relationships, romance, lust and gay stuff. I enjoyed the first edition so much that I submitted a piece that they accepted. You can view it on pages 21 and 22 with original artwork by my friend Brandon D. Gunning (who by the way is a big Marvin fan).

You must listen to this Marvin post in which Marvin, well just listen. This changes everything.