Peterson Toscano's A Musing

Hello, my name is Vlad. I have been in this Homo No Mo Halfway House for 27 days. Here in Homo No Mo Halfway House we have five phases, we do 12 Steps and there are approximately 275 rules. First I tell you about the phases. When we move from phase to phase, this is called a “Phase Bump,” and technically only the staff is allowed to bump you. -Excerpt from Doin' Time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House At the Love in Action residential program that I attended for two years the staff led participants through a game know as The Five Phases and The 12 Steps . Participants preoccupied themselves with moving up (and down) artificial gradations like a twisted version of Chutes and Ladders . In Phase One the staff forced participants to look at themselves in order to acknowledge they had a problem, in fact that we were a problem— sinful, addicted, and broken. In Phase Two the focus turned to God, the ultimate perfection and means of escape. Phase Three turned the spotlight on the family wh...

The program leaders at Love in Action (LIA) and in all the other ex-gay programs I attended (along with the counselors I saw and authors of the ex-gay books I read) believed in a development model leading to homosexual desire and activity. Although each ex-gay therapist or minister used different and methods often contrary to each other, they universally agreed that boys became gay because of an "overbearing mother and an emotionally or physically absent dad." In addition, they taught that sexual abuse contributed to same-sex attractions. In LIA and elsewhere, the leadership made us create a mythology about ourselves based on the developmental template they placed before us. By mixing psycho-babble, scripture, and language from the AA 12-Step program, they constantly reinforced their authority over us. When any of us questioned the template they provided by stating our lives did not fit it, they insisted that we needed to look more deeply. They warned us, that as "addic...

Wow, what a super Pride event in Memphis this weekend! The organizers put together a fun, family friendly and well organized series of events. They wisely chose a park with lots of shade for the festival, and they had loads of booths. The diversity of the crowd especially impressed me in a city where one can see people travel in their homogeneous packs. Young, old, black and white, transgender, straight, bisexual, lesbian and gay, the crowd showed off a wide cross-section of the population. I enjoyed being in the parade more than I thought I would. Sitting in a car waving at folks felt like it would be awkward (let me be on stage doing stuff or a chance to talk, but just sitting waving--weird). I saw many friends along the way from the various groups that have helped me through the years--Holy Trinity Community Church of Christ, Integrity and most recently Mid-South Pride with their help during Beyond Ex-Gay's big weekend back in February. Lindsey Melvin, a writer from the Comme...

For the first time since the 2005 summer protests in front of Love in Action, Zach Stark, who was 16 at when he was placed in LIA, is now 19 and speaks out in this new clip from Morgan Fox's film, This is What Love in Action Looks Like . Morgan first showed this clip in February during Deconstructing the Ex-Gay Myth—A Weekend of Action & Art in Memphis, TN. Daniel Gonzales at Box Turtle Bulletin posted a video about how he believed his orientation had begun to believe he was changing when he received reparative therapy. Oftentimes when I meet someone who’s been through ex-gay therapy I ask them if they ever reached the point where they believed they were beginning to change — It’s how I gauge just how deeply they got into the whole “ex-gay thing.” Ex-gay leaders often assert, “change is possible and I’m proof because I changed.” In my opinion the strongest response is “I too once believed I had changed.” Here’s my own explanation of how I believed I had changed: Daniel also u...

Anyone remember Burger King's big ad campaign a few years back? Hold the pickle. Hold the lettuce. Special orders don't upset us. In their attempts to position themselves in the fast food market, BK encouraged customers to "have it your way." Being a vegan, I am the queen of special orders. Restaurants in the US, Canada, Europe and the UK have accommodated me with my non-animal product-based diet, sometimes begrudgingly and with attitude. When I attended the Love in Action residential ex-gay program in Memphis, TN, I needed to suspend my vegetarian lifestyle. Each participant took turns cooking the evening meal. With a budget of sometimes less than $20 for 14 people, participants served lots of casseroles filled with greasy ground beef. Although no one ever challenged the inappropriateness of it, at least twice a month someone served up corn dogs (which looked strangely like a dick on a stick). I stayed away from the beef and hot dog products, and for my turn most al...

Shortly after I reported that John Smid had resigned from Love in Action, lots of folks have speculated as to the reasons. We may know soon enough. Yesterday evening I heard from someone who had read the letter that went out to supporters announcing John's resignation, who told me it does not take effect until July. Perhaps we will know more when the program makes their official public statement in their newsletter in April. Last summer John gave a talk about masturbation where he made what sounded to me and many others bizarre references to his wife and to her vagina. Since the news broke of John's resignation, stories have begun to swirl along with jokes quoting John's talk. For me perhaps some of this vagina talk would be funny right now if I didn't know John Smid and especially his wife. She is a lovely, kind woman. I also was married to a woman when I was ex-gay, and she suffered greatly because of my gay orientation and our failed marriage. I suffered greatly too...

Someone has to make the mockumentary, Not Another Ex-Gay Movie! The film festival circuit is about to be glutted with a rush of ex-gay docs and films. Although I have yet to see it, I hear wonderful things about Jessica Yu's film Protagonist , which features four very different men who each follow a similar journey. One of the subjects is Mark Pierpoint, a former ex-gay and ex-gay minister. The newest ex-gay doc to hit the screens is Bill Hussung and Mishara Canino's Chasing the Devil: Inside the Ex-Gay Movement which premieres March 29th at the Birmingham SHOUT Gay & Lesbian Film Festival . CHASING THE DEVIL: INSIDE THE EX-GAY MOVEMENT is a feature documentary film presenting an unflinching look at the personal journeys of four people who claim to have changed their sexual orientation from gay to straight. Their stories mark the first time documentary filmmakers have been allowed inside the “ex-gay” movement and provide an empathetic and, at times, devastating portrait o...

I am running to do a show and just got a voice mail from a former Love in Action staff member who said, "I'm sure you heard the news, but if not, you may be interested to know that John Smid resigned from Love in Action." John Smid served as the Executive director and CEO of Love in Action in Memphis, TN. When I know more, I'll let you know or post what you know in comments. UPDATE: I found out that in one of Love in Action's last mailings to supporters, they made the announcement that John Smid planned to retire and move onto other things but did not specify what these things might be. I truly hope John gets out of the ex-gay work. He's done it for over 14 years, and I have always had the sense that he has wanted to be a proper minister in a church with a congregation and all. We'll see what he does next. The challenge when someone is an ex-gay leader (or even an ex-gay critic) for awhile is trying to determine what to do next. It is such an alternate uni...

From Urban Dictionary Phallic Fruit Fetish -- A "disorder" popularized by gay Quaker performing artist Peterson Toscano in his play " Doin' Time the Homonomo Halfway House " about his time spent as a patient in a Christian residential program to "cure" gay people. Another resident in the program suffered from Phallic Fruit Fetish (or PFF) and had a persistent desire to commit sexual acts with phallically shaped fruits. The problem was alleviated when all phallic shaped fruits were removed from the facility. Rev. Smid ordered all bananas removed from the house upon learning of a patient's phallic fruit fetish. And as I have Chad explain in the play, He had a PFF, a Phallic Fruit Fetish, but he had a really serious case of it that actually extended into the vegetable word. As a result, no cucumbers, no zucchini, no carrots--oh, except for the little min...

I often receive e-mails from former ex-gays and current ex-gays asking me about my experience. Yesterday I got one such e-mail that got me thinking deeply about my time at Love in Action, an ex-gay residential program in Memphis, TN. Although the message I received starts out accusatory, it quickly becomes more thoughtful. I sense the person genuinely desires to hear about my experience and dialogue. What I appreciate his message is that in it he shares some of his journey and the reasons behind it. I thought his questions helpful, so I want to share them with you along with my answer. I have removed his name and the year he attended LIA. (photos are from the renovation of my cottage) I attended Love in Action in August 20xx. What I don't understand is why you have so many negative things to say about LIA. I hope you remember that you choose to attend the program and were not forced into attending. You should respect other peoples decisions to live for God and change their lives. I...

This weekend staff from Focus on the Family and Exodus International, two large and well-funded organizations, will speak to hundreds of parents about the "gay lifestyle" and will present testimonies claiming that "change is possible". Parents will listen to folks who directly and indirectly pin the blame on parents for having a gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender child. We know what they teach because some of us recently attended the Love Won Out Conference and and also listened to the recordings of all the presentations. See Jim Burroway's detailed account . My parents suffered under this message while I attended the Love in Action program in Memphis some years ago. Today I recorded this video relating the horrific Family and Friends Weekend and the effect Love in Action's erroneous and cruel teachings had on my parents. In the past year I have shared my family's experience with several ex-gay leaders. Many expressed shock at what happened at Love...

In the summer of 2005 the ex-gay program Love in Action made national headlines after accepting Zach, a 16 year old gay boy into their Refuge program. Before he went into the program, Zach called out for help on his blog. Concerned citizens and friends of the young man took a stand and each day shared their message of love and acceptance through signs, blog posts, interviews and social networking on MySpace. Jacob Wilson was a 19 year old client in Love in Action's adult program that summer. Back then Exodus programs did not have a prohibition to mix minors and adults together in their program, so Jacob sat in session with all the participants in both Love in Action's programs. He didn't have any real idea what was happening outside the building until he saw the trailer of Morgan Fox's film that we screened at the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference this past summer. Wendi Thomas of the Memphis Commercial Appeal interviewed Jacob for an article that appeared in yesterday'...

Greetings from Northern Sweden, Umeå to be exact, where the snow has fallen steadily and no one minds at all. Really they delight in it as they laugh at folks from the US with our winter storm warnings and canceled events. The new year started well with a house party outside of the city replete with fireworks at midnight. Each day I have taken a walk in the woods and in the nearby park. Today Alex and Alice (the dog) and I walked around the lake, which takes about 90 minutes. Amazing how many people are out and about in the winter weather--skiing, skating, jogging and even riding bike. In celebration of a new year, I Simpsonized myself. I went for a genderqueer look. You should try it yourself! I spent the first day of the new year updating my schedule for winter/spring of 2008. I didn't put everything up yet, but it is a pretty full list up through May with trips to Europe, West Virginia, Philadelphia, Memphis and more. No Texas yet and it looks like I am neglecting the West Coa...

Time for my annual Christmas video. Last year I bought cyber gifts for everyone while I stayed in Crieff, Scotland, and made a video about it. This year my video is the gift. Yeah, I know, I am so generous. Last week I performed the Ho Ho Homo No Mo Holiday Special at the MCC in Portland, OR, and for that event I dug into my past to find Christmas related material from the Homo No Mo Halfway House . The following video is a TRUE story of a Homo No Mo Christmas. Now don't be surprised if in a few days I post another video from an old friend of this blog. Enjoy!

Morgan Jon Fox recently created a blog for the film This is What Love in Action Looks Like and the other day I blogged about ways co-producer, Bruce Garrett and I have been trying to raise funds (including forcing Marvin into secretarial services.) (Daniel Gonzales left me a cryptic text message about the role of a Hollywood executive director, but it sounded more like fodder from an overwrought mind longing for the West Coast after moving to the mountains of Colorado. Maybe Joe G knows what Daniel is alluding to. Us North-East Quakers are out of the loop I guess.) Over at the film's blog, you can now donate via PayPal. The money goes to the editing of the film and costs associated with licensing. Hmmmm, maybe Willie Hewes will auction off a panel of her amazing work! (hint hint) You must read Willie's tender comic The Suckiest Angel and of course the now famous comic Free Z , which was inspired by the events that led to the 2005 protests. You can see the trailer for the...

I met up with Bruce Garrett this week in Baltimore. He and I are both executive producers of the film, This is What Love in Action Looks Like. (link to trailer below). The film follows the story of the 2005 protests in front of the ex-gay program Love in Action, protests sparked by the blog entries of a young 16 year-old whose parents forced him to attend the program for eight weeks. Morgan Jon Fox directs and edits the film and has been making good progress on it. He should have a version of it ready for preview by February and then it will have an official premiere at a film festival later in the years. As producers, Bruce and I have to produce money! Morgan works through the non-profit organization, the Memphis Digital Arts Co-op (MeDiA Co-op) and is housed in First Congregational Church in Memphis. Although the film operates on a very low budget, we still need to raise funds to cover licensing for music and TV footage, fees for entry into film festivals and money to cover some of...

This weekend I saw my friend Bob Painter, a fellow ex-gay survivor, play the role of Joseph in the musical Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat. (He has a GREAT voice) In the musical a scene hit me hard and reminded me of our time in the Love in Action program, a residential ex-gay program in Memphis, TN. It was a dreadful time in so many ways and seeing this one scene brought up strong feelings. Another ex-gay survivor, Vince Cervantes, has inspired me with recent video series about his ex-gay experiences. (See his latest one here ). Below is a video where I talk about this and share some clips of Bob's performance. Like musical Joseph, there is also a happy ending to my story. Here you can see more of Bob's wonderful performance.

This is the second in a three part series. Part One: What Was I After and Why? Part Three: Living on the Outside Part Two-- What Happens When Change is not Possible? After all my efforts, my faith in the Bible as I understood it and my faith in God and the working of the Holy Spirit, the change from gay to straight never came. In fact, the more I pursued what I thought was God’s ordained gayless path, the more I desired men, the more severe the struggle became, the more bizarre I acted out. Finally after losing my marriage, my job as a missionary in Zambia, my close friendships and the support of my home church, I became desperate and enrolled in the Love in Action (LIA) residential program in Memphis, TN. During orientation the staff informed us how we should envisage the program. How disappointing to hear John Smid, director of LIA, announce that none of us should expect to become heterosexual! He considered such a goal to be unrealistic and stated that most likely we would strug...

Morgan J. Fox took video of the Survivor Initiative press conference outside of Love in Action in Memphis, TN. The event was organized by Soulforce. Ex-gay survivors David Christie and Brandon Tidwell share their stories of how pursuing to change and suppress their sexuality caused more harm than good. They stood up in front of Love in Action as a witness and a warning to others. You can learn more about the Memphis event here . Part One Part Two

I go off-line for one day, and the e-mails and rss feeds and google alerts just pile up! Here is a little round-up of what is going on out there. First I want to mention Jim Burroway's post about the "Lesbian Gangs" . This story provides perfect fodder for urban legends and gets spread like a virus by all sorts of folks who talk about truth and family values. Now I admit we actually have a huge lesbian gang problem in my home state of Connecticut. Some of my closest lesbian friends are gang members, well, actually it is more of a parents' support meeting and playgroup for their kids, but still these gals are pretty severe. They make their kids go to bed by 8 pm! Ethan Jacobs at Bay Windows just published a detailed piece about the Ex-Gay Survivor Movement with lots of coverage about the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference (ans especially the Chalk Talk), the public apology by former Exodus leaders, the dinner with current Exodus leaders and the on-going Survivor Initiative o...