Peterson Toscano's A Musing

So much good stuff out there that has come to my inbox recently. Candace Chellew-Hodge, the creator of Whosoever.org , has a new book out, Bulletproof—A Spiritual Survival Guide for Gay & Lesbian Christians . You can hear a public reading here . Check out what Desmond Tutu has to say about the book. Gay and lesbian Christians are constantly demoralized and told they are not children of God. In Bulletproof Faith , Chellew-Hodge reassures gays and lesbians that God loves them just as they were created and teaches them how to stand strong, with compassion and gentleness, against those who condemn them. -Archbishop Emeritus Desmond Tutu Allyson Robinson gets quoted in a great piece that appeared in yesterday's Washington Post, Ruling Inspires New Hope for Transgender People . But for transgender women such as Robinson, the County Council's passage of the law was a key reason she chose to live in Montgomery when she moved to the area this year from Texas to take a job at the H...

Over at the FAQ page of Beyond Ex-Gay we have the question, What is an Ex-Gay Experience? with the answer: It can be as simple as gay guys trying their hand at football and lesbians sitting in on a Mary Kay Makeup makeover to something as serious and severe as electroshock therapy. The idea is to find change from unwanted same-sex desires and gender differences. In some cases the experience is religious-based, but not always. It can also be done within a group, in one-on-one sessions or solo. An ex-gay experience seeks to change desire, behavior and/or gender presentation. People have tried multiple methods including counseling (with a trained counselor or pastoral counseling with a minister) attendance in an ex-gay support group or a residential program dating (or marrying) someone of the opposite sex in hopes of experiencing change in desire dressing and acting according to the gender normative standards in one’s society reading books and narratives by people who say ...

Hello, my name is Vlad. I have been in this Homo No Mo Halfway House for 27 days. Here in Homo No Mo Halfway House we have five phases, we do 12 Steps and there are approximately 275 rules. First I tell you about the phases. When we move from phase to phase, this is called a “Phase Bump,” and technically only the staff is allowed to bump you. -Excerpt from Doin' Time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House At the Love in Action residential program that I attended for two years the staff led participants through a game know as The Five Phases and The 12 Steps . Participants preoccupied themselves with moving up (and down) artificial gradations like a twisted version of Chutes and Ladders . In Phase One the staff forced participants to look at themselves in order to acknowledge they had a problem, in fact that we were a problem— sinful, addicted, and broken. In Phase Two the focus turned to God, the ultimate perfection and means of escape. Phase Three turned the spotlight on the family wh...

Christine Bakke works as a graphic designer. You can see her fine work at Beyond Ex-Gay and especially on the ex-gay survivor collage page . She recently updated my promo card which she originally designed in 2006. You will see that Homo No Mo is no more, well, at least the play is retired (but is available on DVD and will soon be performed live by another queer solo artist!) Instead I now offer a talk about the ex-gay movement: Homo No Mo?!? Orientation, Gender and the Ex-Gay Movement—A Lively Lecture with Performance. You can see my performance schedule here . Later this month I will perform three of my plays and lead a few workshops that will take me to Baltimore, MD, Washington, DC, Wethersfield, CT and Glen Mills, PA. Click on images for larger view. Christine, great work!

It's been on the blogs all weekend, and now the Associated Press also reports that Sarah Palin, the Republican vice president nominee, attends a church that promotes ex-gay ministries, namely Focus on the Family's Love Won Out day-long conference that tries to convince parents and pastors that God can "transform the lives of those impacted by homosexuality." What they don't mention is the kind of transformation that will take place. Those of us who are former consumers of Focus on the Family/Exodus/NARTH ex-gay theories and practices can attest to the transformations that we experienced as a result of our time in ex-gay programs. The vast majority of people who attempted to sublimate their sexuality did not find a cure, instead we experienced a curse that affected us psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, developmentally, physically and relationally. In the article Ex-Gay Harm Let Me Count the Ways I highlight some of these and also offer tes...

Today I leave Seattle and spend a long day traveling home to Hartford. Because of Gustav, the conference I had hoped to attend in New Orleans got canceled. :-( The upside is I now get 10 uninterrupted days at home. This has not happened since March. I cannot begin to write about how special I found the Gender Odyssey Conference . Gender Odyssey is an international conference focused on the thoughtful exploration of gender. We strive to create an empowering environment where people of all genders can share their experiences and learn from the experiences of others. Through dialogue, peer-led presentations, and sharing skills and expertise, we work to create broader and evolving language, social support, and life pathways that support all gender identities. By doing so, we hope to strengthen ourselves and develop communities that celebrate all expressions of gender at any age. I met so m...

Recently in Frostburg, MD on an excursion to Mainstreet Books , one of the finest independent bookstores I've been to for some time, a poet who accompanied me slipped a copy of The Collected Poems of Constantine Cavafy , a new translation by Aliki Barnstone (read review here ). Cavafy, the 20th Century Greek writer, who lived unashamedly with his gay side (well openly for the most part), always drew me since I read his poem Ithaka for a college course on Odysseus. ( Hear it read in English by Sean Connery or in the original Greek from the movie about Cavafy.) Reading this new fresh translation, I had to buy the book. This poem tells my story in a way that has eluded me for over a decade. (try reading it aloud) Meaning by C.P. Cavafy The years of my youth, my sensual life-- how clearly I see their meaning now. What needless repentances, how futile... But I didn't see the meaning then. Out of the dissolute life of my youth my poetry's aims grew. my art's realm was dr...

The program leaders at Love in Action (LIA) and in all the other ex-gay programs I attended (along with the counselors I saw and authors of the ex-gay books I read) believed in a development model leading to homosexual desire and activity. Although each ex-gay therapist or minister used different and methods often contrary to each other, they universally agreed that boys became gay because of an "overbearing mother and an emotionally or physically absent dad." In addition, they taught that sexual abuse contributed to same-sex attractions. In LIA and elsewhere, the leadership made us create a mythology about ourselves based on the developmental template they placed before us. By mixing psycho-babble, scripture, and language from the AA 12-Step program, they constantly reinforced their authority over us. When any of us questioned the template they provided by stating our lives did not fit it, they insisted that we needed to look more deeply. They warned us, that as "addic...

It's my international radio weekend! Although I am in Western Maryland right now taking part in Quaker gathering, I will also be on the radio in Canada and beyond. Tonight at 10:00 PM (Eastern Standard Time) I will be a once again be a guest on Vancouver's Queer FM CiTR 101.9fm where I will talk about my recent trip to Lambeth, my upcoming trip to Vancouver, Canada in October and whatever else Heather, the show's enthusiastic host, gets me to talk about. You can listen live here . Also, last week while at Lambeth Conference, George Arny of BBC World Service interviewed me for the Reporting Religion program . I talk at length about my ex-gay experiences, Beyond Ex-Gay, my faith journey and being a Quaker today. You can listen to the program here .

Christine and I get lots of messages every week through Beyond Ex-Gay . Most come from people looking for answers or to connect or to share their stories. Some want to thank one of the many people who have shared their stories through narratives or art work . Last week we received a message for ex-gay survivor Darlene Bogle . Many have written in before to express gratitude to Darlene for both stepping up to tell her story and for also coming forward to issue a public apology for her previous role as an Exodus ex-gay leader, one who firmly promoted and provided ex-gay ministry before she found a better way. This message we received and came from another former Exodus leader, Anthony Falzarano, who still promotes an ex-gay agenda. His message shocked us so much we wondered if we should even share it with Darlene. But she is a strong and thoughtful woman, and from getting to know her this past year we felt she would like to see it, so we forwarded the message. Darlene decided she wan...

This Thursday, in a conference call open to the public, Darlene Bogle and Christine Bakke will share their experiences as lesbians in the Ex-Gay Movement. For a while I have been considering how the Ex-Gay Movement is an anti-fem movement. Most of the participants in it are male with curriculum and treatment plans geared towards "male issues." Many of the men involved have felt the need to "change" after years of taunting for being sissies. They learned both on the playground and from the pulpit that the world does not value feminized men. The cornerstone teaching of nearly every ex-gay program takes a swipe at women while also reinforcing the belief that women must be subservient to men. What makes a boy gay? According to most of these ex-gay providers and proponents gay boys are a bi-product of an "overbearing mother." This false teaching infers that once a woman usurps a man's authority and no longer remains submissive, this transgressive act alters...

Thanks to the expert driving skill of Auntie Doris I arrived safely at Lambeth Conference in Canterbury. Fortunately (or not) I have wi-fi in my dorm room on campus here at the University of Kent so I can blog some. On the way to Canterbury we listened to LBC Radio (a talk radio station for the greater London area) and the show hosted Jeni Barnett . She offer topic after topic in a frenetic random order, but the one issue that caught my ear had to do with English people trying to change their accents to sound more like the Queen. She asked for callers who had also tried to change their accents. I turned to Auntie, "Should I?" and with little more than a nod from her, I called. ( Joe Gee , that fabulous podcaster, will be simultaneously proud of me and appalled by me). I explained that in the US I get much better customer service when I speak with a posh British accent. This accent is a perceived by many in the US to carry class and sophistication (and it may possibly be a ...

On my recent trip to Malta, I met Paolo (not his real name), who when he was 18 (three years ago) stumbled into the ex-gay movement. His story helps illustrate how the US-based ex-gay theories and practices sneak in under the radar in Europe. When I came out to my mum about my sexuality I must admit she was not expecting this, however she was understanding and told me not to rush into things as this might just be one of the phases which adolescences may go through, and if I were gay she would have no problem with it, as nowadays its normal, however in order for me to find out if this were just a phase or not she soon referred me to a psychologist in Malta where I live. Seems reasonable enough except that this particular "therapist" quickly took Paolo on a down path in an attempt to de-gay him. She paused and said, ‘you gay?, not once did it cross my mind that you could be gay, however not to worry’ she added, and she soon reached out for a book which was created by a pastor...

Wayne Besen of Truth Wins Out spent last week in Asheville, NC with a group of citizens concerned about Exodus International and the annual convention that pulled into town. Read Wayne's overview of the week and his insightful and appropriately cutting commentary on the events and especially of the words spoken by Exodus leaders and guests. See Exodus: A 'Loving' Call to Battle . Battle indeed. Exodus and the Evangelical Protestant Church (and other churches) insist that gays, lesbians as well as bisexuals and transgender people, go to war against themselves. According to one eye-witness. The closing ceremonies included a clear call to those amassed during the ex-gay jamboree: Life after Exodus means lopping off whole parts of yourself--your wardrobe, relationships with other LGBT people (of course including partners), quitting jobs if need be, making critical and what will no doubt be regrettable decisions all for the sake of following Exodus leaders' and supporters...

My trip to Malta quickly comes to a close when I fly back to London on Monday. Last night I performed The Re-Education of George W. Bush--No President Left Behind! to a lively (and sweaty) audience in a super cool performance space called Warehouse No. 8 . It literally had been a warehouse and still retains some of its rustic and industrial charm. It reminds me of some of the loft theater spaces in NYC during the 1980's--the kind of space that inspires progressive theater. Earlier this year I have performed the Bush play in Sweden, England, Wales and Northern Ireland. Each time I wonder, Will it work here? I do not presume that my performances will translate into other cultural and political-social settings. So far the piece has worked out in these non-US venues. Of course all these places have nearly constant exposure to US media, so many of the references and in-jokes do not seem all that foreign. Also the play pokes fun at George Bush in part and the USA and its citizens to a ...

Adrian Lovel-Hall, a citizen of South Africa, spent years attempting to enter the ministry only to find that being gay closed the doors to him. Due to the searching for what I believed God was saying and the rejection of homosexuality in the church, I did not formally “come out”, and eventually ended my ministry career in 1998. I felt rejected again. I felt that no-one in the Church had come to stop me leaving, even though most of them knew I was gay. We never openly discussed me being gay, and it appeared that I had to mould into the Church and become ‘straight’. The months following the end of the 1997 academic year took me down a really hard and painful road. No money, no job, no parents, no partner. I changed churches and eventually found work, changing my career back to banking.18-months later I went into missions so I did not have to come out. But in searching so deeply into myself, I also found that I had a deep respect and compassion for other peoples in the world – especially ...

Recently over at Beyond Ex-Gay Christine and I posted three narratives of ex-gay survivors from around the world. One is from the US, another from South Africa, and the third is someone I met here in Malta. Each person has had different experiences, which reveals some of the diversity of ex-gay experiences. Also each one reacted and responded differently. Each narrative deserves attention from ex-gay leaders and those who promote ex-gay ministries and reparative therapy as well as from those of us concerned about the impact of these initiatives to alter someone's sexuality, especially when it is done in the name of religion. Many of those who partake in these ex-gay efforts suffer silently for years. In the promotional material and the testimonies offered by groups like NARTH, Exodus and others, we only hear part of the story. The reality is that the vast majority of people who attempt to go ex-gay find it is not realistic or necessary. In coming to those conclusions many realize ...

Every week Christine Bakke and I get e-mails and messages from people who visit the Beyond Ex-Gay Website . We answer every one with a personal response. For some people this is their first attempt to reach out to someone since leaving the ex-gay movement or since they began to accept themselves as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or intersex. Recently I received this message that got me thinking and praying and talking to friends before I responded, I am a Christian. I believe homosexuality in a sin. I have read all the pro-gay and anti-gay books i can find, including Boswell's. I have gone to MCC the gay church. Nothing feels right. My mentor keps talking about "the gay Lifestyle". I tell him there is no such thing....just as there is no "straight lifestyle". Two suicide attempts and I chickened out of both. Guilt overwhelms me when I attempt to meet a guy or have sex. Dating women makes me feel like a liar. Damned if I do and damned if i don't. I do n...

I sat for a long interview the other day with Ariadne Massa, a journalist with the Times of Malta. She seemed fascinated with the ex-gay portion of my life and asked many questions about that experience. Of course she on my never dying adoration with the a lovely compliment in the opening paragraph. With his infectious smile, spirited remarks and positive energy, it's hard to imagine how Toscano suppressed his true being for 17 years to fit in society's pigeonhole of 'straight' people. At 43, the long traumatic journey has failed to etch wrinkles in his flawless complexion, which he attributes to daily moisturiser and veganism. See I am a living breathing billboard advertisement to the wonders of being a vegan. Shoot if the environmental impact doesn't move you or the reality that it is a more humane choice, surely I can appeal to your vanity! What I like about sitting for interviews is that it forces me to think about places in my life that I might not normally con...

Emily K at Ex-Gay Watch posted a piece about Vince Cervantes , an ex-gay survivor and fellow theatrical performance artist. When Vince Cervantes began to notice his strong attractions to other men in his first year of college, he immediately panicked. At that time he was a student at Azusa Pacific University, a Christian school that taught that homosexuality was immoral. The only thing that made sense to Vince was to enter into ex-gay therapy, and he did so, with an Exodus-trained counselor at an Assemblies of God church. Otherwise, he feared, he would be kicked out of school, disowned by his parents, and worst of all, end up in Hell. His therapist told him to give up activities he loved, like musical performance. He complied, believing this would help him go straight. After going so far as to consent to exorcism, Vince realized nothing was making a difference — he wasn’t going to change. At first depressed over this, Vince came to an “epiphany” that caused him to look at homosexualit...