Peterson Toscano's A Musing

One of the number one key word searches that bring people to both my English and Spanish blogs has to do with questions from women who want/need to know what to do when they find out their husbands are gay. That or simply the question, How do I know if my husband is gay? Is my husband a homosexual? I have a blog entry, My Gay Husband—A Spouse Speaks Out , (and a similar one in Spanish ) which is my most visited entry. Women have added their own stories and questions in the comments section. Yesterday I received another comment that I want to share. Wives with similar experiences, feel free to offer whatever support you can over at the original thread . I feel at a loss as to what to say, but I have seen you comfort and support each other in marvelous ways. Thank goodness I found this site. I have been married 38 years and I have asked my husband if he is gay or bi but he always said no. Two days ago I found out that he is and it explains so much. Of course I feel betrayed, that our ...

Over at Beyond Ex-Gay we have posted several narratives of ex-gay survivors . Many of these include lots of details about the struggle over faith and sexuality which compelled the struggler to pursue change and to receive help from reparative therapists and ex-gay ministers. I think about how I used to tell my story assuming that the primary motivation to aspire to a non-gay life was my faith struggle. After years of unpacking the story, answering many many questions about my experiences, I have grown to understand that the faith issue stood among several key factors that influenced my 17-year quest to be ex-gay. A friend recently submitted his ex-gay survivor narrative to me. He writes well about his experience as a missionary and in the church as well as in various ex-gay ministries. I will gladly post it as is, but I also know that the writing process gives us an opportunity to unearth more about our histories. The primary goal I see is that by telling our stories, we will underst...

What a tremendous weekend in Memphis! All the events for Deconstructing the Ex-Gay Myth—A Weekend of Action & Art far exceeded my expectations. Loads of people turned out to everything, but more than the quantity of people was the quality of the exchanges we had and the depth of learning and sharing and loving. Bruce Garrett shares how the weekend moved him and posts some photos here . We did stand in front of Focus on the Family's Love Won Out event for a few hours on Saturday morning. We held up clear, positive signs with messages like Christian & Gay, We Know You Love Your Children, Integrity Changes Lives, Change at What Cost? Some ex-gay survivors also went into Central Church to present gifts to the people at Love Won Out, framed collages about our experiences (designed by Christine). But this was a tiny part of weekend. We were not there to protest rather the weekend showcased the creative, strong LGBT community in Memphis. I spoke with a neighbor today who casuall...

Some of you may shudder when you see or hear the words Emotionally Dependent Relationships . This is especially true if you attended an ex-gay program that warned against the perils of emotional dependency. Today I received a voice mail from a friend who attended Love in Action with me over ten years ago. Just the other day when we spoke on the phone he sounded chipper with a wonderful attitude about himself and life in general, but on the recorded message his voice sounded desperate. If I hadn't understand the words in his message correctly, I would have inferred from his tone of voice that he had spent the night strung out on crack cocaine engaging in multiple unprotected sexual encounters. He sounded defeated and demoralized. What terrorized him? It wasn't a "sexual fall," as we called it back at Love in Action. No, he encountered the specter of emotionally dependent relationships. Now this is a guy who has not really had sex with another guy in his whole life. ...

Just this week I have heard several new stories of ex-gay survivors in the press and on the blogs. They are just coming out all over. There is the story of Scott Harrison who was interviewed for the Southern Poverty Law Center Intelligence Report. He spent time in the Desert Stream/Living Waters program, an ex-gay group that often flies under the radar but maintains an international reach and some of the more bizarre practices regarding evil spirits and homosexuality. Although Exodus says they do not endorse such practices, they still refer people to Desert Stream/Living Waters programs Harrison recounts one of the deliverance sessions he endured, It was very intense, dramatic, group prayer. It lasted at least three hours. At the end, I was drenched in sweat. There were some real areas of psychological wounding. All I can really describe it as — because of how it happened and the incorrectness of the theology — is that it felt like a spiritual rape to me. Another ex-gay survivor, Jame...

The old Shaker Hymn proclaims, Tis a Gift to Be Simple . (I doubt they mean in the head, rather simplicity in one's lifestyle.) Yesterday I received a Facebook message from a friend in the UK with a question about being different. The question soaked in on me until I found myself writing back late late in the night. She referenced a talk she heard by a trans woman named Carol who discussed the Two-Spirit people of some Native American tribes, people who possessed the spirit of male and female and were often elevated to places of honor in the community as shamans and leaders. She then asked, But how much more hopeful would the stories be for us if we could see stories in our history where God's purpose for people lay in the fact that their cultures celebrated their difference and their role was uncovered in this positive context? Carol gave me hope that historically people's difference have made them stand out as positive examples of a rich and diverse creation - some hope ...

Last week I posted a blog entry outlining the various types of harm ex-gay survivors may experience. In Ex-Gay Harm--Let Me Count the Ways I listed nine categories of areas where people who attempted to live ex-gay or were coerced to do so might experience harm: emotional psychological spiritual relationship financial career physical sexual developmental One commenter, John, suggested a 10th category of intellectual harm. Many people commented so far giving specific examples of how they experienced harm in one or more of the categories. Reading these accounts I imagine many people feel moved by the pain and suffering ex-gay survivors have endured and still endure. I also find it encouraging that survivors have also found ways to recover and reclaim their lives. In this post I want to address specific groups of people--Ex-Gay Survivors, Current Ex-Gays, Ex-Gay Providers, and Allies. I ask the query, But what does this mean for you? Ex-Gay Survivors Seeing the categories of harm, readi...

On the road I meet loads of people who live partially out of the closet. They do have some queer friends, especially on-line. They may have someone in their lives "who knows" but they tell virtually no one on their job, in their family, or in their place of worship that they may be lesbian or gay or bisexual. (I don't mention transgender people because I can understand many of the healthy reasons to be silent about the trans experience). And I can see why many LGB folks silence themselves about their orientation. I get the e-mails and talk to folks who perceive that to come out would be mean loss--colossal loss of relationships, jobs, housing, financial support for college, and even expulsion from precious faith communities. In most states in the USA, one is not protected on the job in regards to sexual orientation (and it is worse for trans folks). Then there is the physical danger. Even in parts of liberal NYC, to walk hand-in-hand with someone of the same sex provokes...

It would be a perfect autumn day if it weren't so darn hot and if the trees had actually begun to change color. Usually Columbus Day Weekend (a dreadful commemoration of genocide and greed) is the "peak" weekend for seeing the trees. With the high temperatures and lack of rain, the trees remain green, or simply turn brown and quickly drop to the ground. I just put up some more performances over at my performance schedule . Others are in the works, but I don't have enough details to post them yet. I purposely have cut back on my presentations this autumn, in large part because I have begun to work on some new projects and need more time at home to dig into them. One of these is my Transfigurations play, which looks at the lives and stories of transgender, genderqueer and gender-different in the Bible and the world today. I shared some of this material at Greenbelt and received an enthusiastic response. Ultimately I hope to turn the piece into a musical. I am schedu...

Through a recent comment left on my blog, I discovered the blog I, Star Queen , which highlights words and images and video about the amazing performer, Star Queen. (You can even see some footage from the documentary about Star Queen in which I appear briefly as a talking head.) I had heard "she" had retired, so I feel thrilled to see her new site and to hear about her recent visit to see Lady Bunny . I first experienced Star Queen in Memphis at a club called Backstreet. I had been out as a gay man for about five months and it was my first venture in to a gay bar to see a drag performance. My friend David Christie RAVED about Star Queen, but I walked in filled with all sorts of judgment and doubts. That was until Star Queen hit the stage and did a number to a Blossom Dearie tune. I adore Blossom, and I immediately saw so much intelligence in the humor and delivery and choices that Star Queen made. Over the next few years I got to know Star Queen and more importantly the man ...

I am sitting in a computer lab right now with Ariadna typing away beside me. She and I are co-writers of the Dos Equis blog. It is a Spanish language blog for gay Christians where we talk about our faith and experiences as queer Christians. Of course I write about the ex-gay movement as well. Right now we are posting a blog entry together, a little interview. I just gave her a hard question, Como encuentras a Dios--In what ways do you encounter God? Being a religion student, I think she will be at it a little while, which gives me some time to blog here in English :P This week I feel like I am bursting with joy and satisfaction. That is big for me. A lot of it has to do with the many partners that enrich my life. Four years ago when I first premiered my Homo No Mo play, I was truly a one-man operation. My good friends Christina, a co-worker from the Watkinson School and Roy Steele,my web master, cheered me on and helped out some, but for the most part I was on my own. But now, wow, h...

How rare that I am resting in my own bed after a matinee performance as I prepare for tonight's show. So nice to show my friends and the members of my community what I do as I present my ex-gay comedy in the city where I live. In my play I compare coming out to Lazarus' resurrection then the act of his friends unwrapping him from out of his grave clothes. I moved to Hartford in 2001 knowing only some family here and in a short time I have found community. After living in darkness for nearly 2 decades, I sensed I had to be wide open about myself including my sexuality. Telling my story to fellow faculty at Watkinson School proved to be healing. They then cheered me on as I worked on and then began performing my play. So healing to find community, but it takes work and persistence. It takes time and it takes giving at least as much of what I hope to get back. For me it included attending Quaker meeting, staying after to chat and get to know people. It took volunteering to help o...