Peterson Toscano's A Musing

Over the weekend I got to thinking about some people I know who are partially out as LGBT. They have a few on-line friends who know they are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender, and maybe one or two non-net friends who know. Many of the most significant people in their lives do not know. Perhaps that is the best way for them right now, but I have found that living too long like that can drain us of life. As I prayed about that I wrote the following poem. We speak riddles to ourselves, proclaiming, in whispers, "I am OK" But strapped to our backs We bear a wardrobe, the opposite of that portal to Narnia, a closet that dumps us into a smaller world, a cramped, musty place of shadows. "I don't want to upset my mother." "My brother will never understand." "No need to flaunt it." "It's only a tiny part of me." A part muffled in a velvet-lined padded valise, Jammed in the back of a wardrobe, besides dusty boxes of dreams and desires...

Change is Possible! For years that's been the major slogan of the ex-gay organization Exodus. Of course for people weighed down with the expectation that they must be straight at any cost, the vague promise of change lured them to seek a cure from being gay. Once in the doors, they learned that an actual change in orientation was not a realistic goal for most, yet leaders dangled other vague promises before desperately hopeful strugglers. "If you stick with it, you will find that some of your same-sex attractions will actually diminish just like they did for me." (statement replete with photo of ex-gay leader accessorized with wife and some children). People should feel free to live the lives they desire. If someone who experiences primarily same-sex attractions wishes to explore a heterosexual life, no one should hold them back. But if "growing into" that life requires years of counseling, weekly support groups, hundreds of hours of prayer, annual conferences...

On the road I meet loads of people who live partially out of the closet. They do have some queer friends, especially on-line. They may have someone in their lives "who knows" but they tell virtually no one on their job, in their family, or in their place of worship that they may be lesbian or gay or bisexual. (I don't mention transgender people because I can understand many of the healthy reasons to be silent about the trans experience). And I can see why many LGB folks silence themselves about their orientation. I get the e-mails and talk to folks who perceive that to come out would be mean loss--colossal loss of relationships, jobs, housing, financial support for college, and even expulsion from precious faith communities. In most states in the USA, one is not protected on the job in regards to sexual orientation (and it is worse for trans folks). Then there is the physical danger. Even in parts of liberal NYC, to walk hand-in-hand with someone of the same sex provokes...

Jose Luis Maccarone lived as an ex-gay for over 10 years. I first met him during my time at Love in Action when he came for a visit to the US to share his testimony around the country. In 2000 he moved from his home country of Argentina to Madrid, Spain and become Exodus Interational's first missionary. After serving as an ex-gay missionary for a few years, he came out gay. Last week Jose Luis and I spent a day together, and he wanted to tell some of his story. In this series of videos, Jose Luis shares some of his ex-gay survivor narrative, what it was like to live as an ex-gay, the good and the bad that came of his experience, his recovery and a message to his former clients. Jose Luis shares some of the reasons why he became ex-gay. In this video Jose Luis talks about life as an Exodus leader and missionary What good, if any came of your ex-gay experiences and how were you harmed? Jose Luis talks about his recovery from the ex-gay movement and speaks to the people who he had min...

When I lived in Quito, Ecuador as a missionary and then later when I volunteered at Exodus' Latin American headquarters, I ate a lot of ice cream. I was not a vegan then, and freshly made ice cream they sold along the Avenidas tasted better than Bryer's ® ever did. Oh, and the flavors they offered! Fruits I never heard of before like Mora and Naranilla. Tropical flavors--mango, pineapple, avocado and even tomato. Most of my life I only had three flavors: chocolate, vanilla and my favorite, mint chocolate chip. But that all changed in Ecuador. Back in my missionary days I believed there was only one kind of gay--the sick pervert who engaged in sex anywhere and with anyone. He carried diseases, always tried to seduce straight men, and had no regard for God or any sort of moral code. At Christian college I would go with a group into Greenwich Village in NYC to tell gays that unless they repented of their evil homosexual lifestyles, they would burn in hell far from the presence o...