Peterson Toscano's A Musing

Recently over at Beyond Ex-Gay Christine and I posted three narratives of ex-gay survivors from around the world. One is from the US, another from South Africa, and the third is someone I met here in Malta. Each person has had different experiences, which reveals some of the diversity of ex-gay experiences. Also each one reacted and responded differently. Each narrative deserves attention from ex-gay leaders and those who promote ex-gay ministries and reparative therapy as well as from those of us concerned about the impact of these initiatives to alter someone's sexuality, especially when it is done in the name of religion. Many of those who partake in these ex-gay efforts suffer silently for years. In the promotional material and the testimonies offered by groups like NARTH, Exodus and others, we only hear part of the story. The reality is that the vast majority of people who attempt to go ex-gay find it is not realistic or necessary. In coming to those conclusions many realize ...

Every week Christine Bakke and I get e-mails and messages from people who visit the Beyond Ex-Gay Website . We answer every one with a personal response. For some people this is their first attempt to reach out to someone since leaving the ex-gay movement or since they began to accept themselves as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or intersex. Recently I received this message that got me thinking and praying and talking to friends before I responded, I am a Christian. I believe homosexuality in a sin. I have read all the pro-gay and anti-gay books i can find, including Boswell's. I have gone to MCC the gay church. Nothing feels right. My mentor keps talking about "the gay Lifestyle". I tell him there is no such thing....just as there is no "straight lifestyle". Two suicide attempts and I chickened out of both. Guilt overwhelms me when I attempt to meet a guy or have sex. Dating women makes me feel like a liar. Damned if I do and damned if i don't. I do n...

Christine Bakke , co-founder of Beyond Ex-Gay will appear as a guest of Blogtalk Live on-line radio program. This week on 'Talk Back Live' we will be discussing 'The Ex-Gay Myth', our special guest will be Christine Bakke from Beyond Ex-Gay . We will be discussing the half truths that come out of the ex-gay world, including those who have survived the false claims of Ex-gay Ministries. I will also share my story, of how I got involved in the Ex-Gay world, and how it was Ex-Gay people like D.L. Foster and Charlene Cothran that really showed me, that this whole ex-gay thing was false. The fun gets started on May 17th, at 8pm EST. As always feel free to call in and join in on the conversation. You can listen live here (and the show will also be archived)

Since going public with the story of my ex-gay journey (odyssey?), one of the most encouraging signs I have seen is the large number of people who have come forward to tell share their own stories. In addition to ex-gay survivors , we see many concerned citizens writing and speaking out against the de-gayification process and the forces behind it. (Just this week former ex-gay Noé Gutierrez added his own perspective.) Pam Spaulding , the guys at Good as Gay , Jim at Straight Not Narrow , Joe Brummer , Bruce Garrett , and of course Jim Burroway along with Timothy Kincaid and Daniel Gonzales over at Box Turtle Bulletin , and so many others have consistently reported on the ex-gay movement. Two individuals who have contributed tremendously are Mike Airhart, (founder of Ex-Gay Watch, which continues to serve as an ex-gay watchdog under the management Dave Roberts) and Wayne Besen, who heads up Truth Wins Out . Besen is also the author of Anything But Straight—Unmasking the Lies and Scan...

The Advocate magazine published long article about ex-gays and ex-gay survivors and the changing landscape of the ex-gay movement. They quote quite a lot of people including Christine Bakke and me. (They often overlook the lesbians, so I am so glad they gave her plenty of space to share). For more than a year, the website BeyondExGay.com has been a virtual gathering point for ex-gay survivors, many of whom now picket ex-gay ministries events and conferences and attempt to share their stories with attendees. Beyond Ex-Gay also holds conferences of its own. “Our primary goal is being a support group for ex-gay survivors,” says Toscano. Like Christine Bakke, who runs the group with him, he attended ex-gay ministries for years before finally accepting his gayness. “Our secondary goal,” Toscano adds, “is to talk about the harm of reparative therapy” -- therapy meant to de-gay you --“in ex-gay ministries.” The reporter, Tim Murphy, spent time getting to ...

I leave tomorrow night for London and will not have time to blog until sometime next week. Some updates: I performed Queer 101—Now I Know My gAy,B,C's at a high school outside of Boston today. The first session had about 350 students and the second session had at least 500. They listened deeply and asked excellent questions. Tomorrow morning I perform the same play at Manchester Community College. Beyond Ex-Gay will co-host two conferences in Barcelona at the end of May. I have some info up at our site , but it is in Catalan. I hope to have info in English soon. I will give a keynote address (in Castilian). I mean I can do dinner and directional Spanish, but this is going to be a stretch. I love a challenge. On May 5 Beyond Ex-Gay will be featured in LOGO TV's Be Real Program . (Tom D left me a snarkily sweet text message saying he saw me in the trailer for the program) They interviewed Christine and me as well as my dad, and ex-gay survivors John Holm and Scott Tucker. I thi...

On April 2, 2007 we launched Beyond Ex-Gay and announced the 2007 Ex-Gay Survivor Conference. We're taking a few minutes to share the BXG love and look at all that's been accomplished: June 20, 2007: Beyond Ex-Gay (bXg) and Soulforce invite Exodus leaders to dinner. June 27, 2007: Former Exodus leaders issue a public apology for their roles in the ex-gay world. June 29, 2007: Dinner with three Exodus leaders. June 29-July 1, 2007: Ex-Gay Survivor Conference ; Reflections from survivors who attended. July 2 - August 3, 2007: The Ex-Gay Survivor Initiative Ex-Gay Survivors told their stories in front of places that promote and provide ex-gay therapy/ministry. August 17, 2007: Three former ex-gay leaders in Australia add their names to the apology from June 27. Fall 2008: Dozens of ex-gay survivors come forward to tell their stories through bXg, blogs, video and in the press. February 22-24, 2008: Deconstructing the Ex-Gay Myth —A Weekend of Action and Art, Memphis, TN. Up...

I head off to Portland, OR (one of my all time fav cities) on Thursday to attend and present at an amazing conference. Transforming Faith: Divining Gender - A three-day interfaith gathering in Portland, Oregon that seeks to: Educate communities of faith in the spectrum of gender identities and gender expressions Give tools and resources for supporting gender variant youth Dismantle binary gender constructs and their reign in misogyny and homophobia Nurture and empower transgender leadership. The keynote address will be offered by Dr. Virginia Ramey Mollenkott , author of 12 books, including Omnigender. Ah, Mollenkott, one of my heroes (sheroes?) I will present my play Transfigurations -- Transgressing Gender in the Bible and also co-facilitate a workshop with Rev. Allyson Robinson . Also presenting are New Testament scholar Dr. Mary Ann Tolbert, George H. Atkinson Professor of Biblical Studies at the Pacific School of Religion and Executive Director of the Center for Le...

Over at Beyond Ex-Gay , Christine Bakke wrote a n excellent article (accompanied with original artwork) about how ex-gay programs take Freudian theories then mix them up with often bizarre and even dangerous practices. I knew one women whose therapist gave her assignments to flirt with men. An ex-gay guy who went on several dates to try to learn how to be with a woman (without disclosing that he identified as ex-gay), on the recommendation of his therapist. A woman who was counseled by the leader of the ex-gay group that women should wear makeup ("need to put some paint on the side of the barn"). A man who changed his last name because his ex-gay therapy led him to believe that his parents were to blame for him being gay. A woman who insinuated that she had been abused because she felt like her story didn't "fit" the ex-gay model without some kind of a root cause. A young man who said that after he got out of the ex-gay movement and was finished with reparative...

Over at Beyond Ex-Gay we have posted several narratives of ex-gay survivors . Many of these include lots of details about the struggle over faith and sexuality which compelled the struggler to pursue change and to receive help from reparative therapists and ex-gay ministers. I think about how I used to tell my story assuming that the primary motivation to aspire to a non-gay life was my faith struggle. After years of unpacking the story, answering many many questions about my experiences, I have grown to understand that the faith issue stood among several key factors that influenced my 17-year quest to be ex-gay. A friend recently submitted his ex-gay survivor narrative to me. He writes well about his experience as a missionary and in the church as well as in various ex-gay ministries. I will gladly post it as is, but I also know that the writing process gives us an opportunity to unearth more about our histories. The primary goal I see is that by telling our stories, we will underst...

We have had some time to reflect on the big weekend in Memphis and the events surrounding Deconstructing the Ex-Gay Myth—A Weekend of Action & Art . Christine and I have spent much of the day building some new web pages to give folks a sense of what took place during the weekend. Check out our Memphis photo album with lots of super photos thanks to Bruce Garrett. See video of the press conference and gallery walk Learn more about the Chalk Talk and see up close what people have to say about their ex-gay experiences Read a list of options for ex-gay survivors to consider for their recovery process We will have information soon about upcoming Beyond Ex-Gay events April 6, 2008 Portland, OR May 26, 2008 Barcelona, Spain October 23, 2008 Nashville, TN

In fact, it is great to be gay, if that is true for you, which it is for me. Bianca Phillips at the Memphis Flier wrote a super article all about Deconstructing the Ex-Gay Myth—A Weekend of Action & Art. For a title she used a slogan that the young folks chanted during the 2005 summer actions outside of Love in Action-- It's Okay to Be Gay! In the piece she lists off all the events for the weekend shares some of her interview with Morgan Jon Fox and with me. On Saturday from 2 to 5 p.m., Beyond Ex-Gay will host its Mid-South Regional Gathering, a series of workshops and panels for ex-gay survivors, at the gay and lesbian center. "There's a lot of psychological, emotional, and spiritual damage [in ex-gay survivors], and there's a need to unpack what we've done to ourselves and let other people do to us," Toscano says. "This regional gathering will give ex-gay survivors a chance to check in and talk to each other." Also on Saturday, local f...

In a week I will be in Memphis, TN one of my all time favorite cities in America. Some find that strange since I spent two difficult years in Memphis in the Love in Action ex-gay program. But once I emerged from that experience, for the next three years, I got to know the city and some of the many wonderful lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgender folks in that city. While in Love in Action, I never go west of Highland Avenue so I never saw Mid-Town or Downtown until after two years in the city. At Love in Action the staff forced us to avoid the Forbidden Zone . Apparently the gays took over Mid-Town and kept all the best cafes, restaurants and stores to themselves. Next week we will deconstruct the ex-gay myth through action and art. Note we will not dismiss the ex-gay myth or rise up a diatribe against it. Rather we will carefully and thoughtfully deconstruct it. According to Miriam Webster online, Deconstruct - verb: to take apart or examine in order to reveal the basis or composit...

As some of you already know, Memphis-area LGBT groups have partnered with Beyond Ex-Gay and other people around the country to present a series of events under the heading Deconstructing the Ex-Gay Myth—A Weekend of Action Art . (February 22-24, 2008) We have a new web page up with all the details, and Daniel Gonzales created a YouTube video ad outlining what will happen and why. Here is some of the transcript (video listed below) On Saturday February 23rd 2008 Colorado-based Focus on the Family and Florida-based Exodus International will set up shop in Memphis to stage "Love Won Out" a day-long conference promoting gay conversion or "ex-gay" ministries. Held at Central Church in Collierville, Love Won Out targets family and friends of LGBT individuals, preaching the message that homosexuality is sinful and change is possible. Concerned that this harmful message will misinform the community, local organizations, churches and citizens partnered with Beyond Ex-Gay a...

As if there weren't enough great events in Memphis the weekend of February 22-24 ! After the outpouring of interest and support since the historic 2007 Ex-Gay Survivor Conference , Beyond Ex-Gay (bXg) will host the Beyond Ex-Gay Mid-South Regional Gathering An event for ex-gay survivors and our allies February 23, 2008 2:00-5:00 PM Memphis Gay & Lesbian Community Center 892 S. Cooper, Memphis, TN Organizers, presenters and attenders from the first Ex-Gay Survivor Conference will be present including Christine Bakke , Peterson Toscano :-), Jim Burroway , Daniel Gonzales , Jacob Wilson and more as well as plenty of folks from the Mid-South. bXg will offer a series of interactive workshops for ex-gay survivors and their allies. Events will include: A round table discussion about the ex-gay movement and youth concerns From the on-line chat room to the talk show—processing our stories through the media Ex-Gay 101 for allies Creating and Maintaining Support Structures as you P...

Beyond Ex-Gay (bXg) and the Memphis Gay and Lesbian Community Center will host an art show with works by those whose lives have been negatively affected by the ex-gay movement. This could include former ex-gays, as well as spouses, children, parents, and friends of former ex-gays. In the summer of 2007, at the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference in Irvine, CA Beyond Ex-Gay organized a similar art show that helped to communicate how for many of us ex-gay experiences caused more harm than good. Beyondexgay.com also features art by ex-gay survivors at its online gallery . Submissions of all types of visual art are welcome including drawings, painting, collage, mixed media, photography, or multimedia. Please send photos of your work, along with dimensions, a brief statement about how the work relates to your ex-gay experience, and any other information by February 13th, 2008 to bxg (at) beyondexgay.com We cannot guarantee that we will feature your artwork, but our panel will review your submiss...

Christine and I receive many e-mails and messages via Beyond Ex-Gay . Most of them are from fellow ex-gay survivors sharing some of their story, giving a word of affirmation and support, or offering to help in some way. We also get a handful of letters from people who believe our work is misguided. Recently I received such a message from a visitor to the site, a woman who used to live as a lesbian but now is ex-gay. In her message she shared some of her story and concluded with the exhortation, "Please don't give up!! Pursue Jesus and He will heal you!!" Below is my response. As with all such responses, I copied Christine, who after reading it, asked me to post it at bXg. I am a Christian, but bXg is not a Christian site. We seek to be faith-friendly, and we realize that ex-gay survivors represent a wide diversity of backgrounds. My response is written by a Christian to a Christian. Thank you for taking the time to write to us. From your writing I do not sense that y...

Blogger , community organizer and ex-gay survivor Eric Leocadio recently sat with Daniel Gonzales to tape some video for Box Turtle Bulletin and Beyond Ex-Gay . Eric recounts much of his experience as an ex-gay including events leading up to his decision to attend and ex-gay program. In this first of a four part series, Eric talks about a suicide attempt when he was age 14. I have met many other ex-gay survivors who at some point in the midst of their struggle over their sexuality, they attempted or seriously considered attempting suicide. Ex-Gay Survivor Eric - Part One - Suicide & The Porcelain Punisher

Since this summer's Ex-Gay Survivor Conference , Christine and I have primarily worked directly with ex-gay survivors, supporting them in telling their stories and helping them find necessary resources for their recovery. We have also met to begin plans for the next two years. Some exciting developments in store. In addition, we continue to update the bXg website as well as respond to messages we regularly receive from ex-gay survivors all over the world. We see the ex-gay survivor movement as one that will grow with the people who feel drawn to be a part of it. We welcome your suggestions and submissions for articles, narratives, art work, poetry and anything else you think might contribute to the site and the movement. We are finding that by telling our stories, we begin to understand more what we did, why we did it and what it cost us. Then we can get beyond those ex-gay experiences and enter more fully into life. Here is a little update: Video of the Ex-Gay Survivor Conferenc...

I feel I have neglected my blogging duties, what with the premiere of Transfigurations , the prep for a bunch of travel coming up, and several new projects, not only have I had little time to blog, but little thought about blogging topics. So this blog is an update of sorts and an apology in advance if I drop off further with my blogging. The preparation for the premiere of Transfigurations--Transgressing Gender in the Bible took lots of time and attention. But unlike my other premieres this time I had much more time and open spaces of time two weeks before the show. This reduced the stress. I felt pleased with the premiere and the direction the piece is going. I am especially satisfied that some of the material I present appears to be original. So little has been done around affirming pieces that look at the Bible and transgender people. Recently I have worked on updates for both Beyond Ex-Gay and my PetersonToscano.com site. I added some new articles on bXg and have begun to put ...