Peterson Toscano's A Musing

self-portrait pendle hill Originally uploaded by p2son . Some people believe in guardian angels, or that Jesus looks down from on high to cast a protective gaze over us. Some think that ancestors from beyond the grave, keep their eyes on us (which sounds morbid to me). But maybe we look over ourselves. Maybe we travel back in time to when we were children, --broken, lost, confused, abused, disillusioned and we visit our former selves, walk the twisted paths that mishaped us, to find our wandering child, then we sweep down in angelic mercy (or fury) drive back the darkness, embrace that child, feel the pain, share the load, weep the dirt out of the wounds, and create a new reality.

Madrid Bus Originally uploaded by p2son . Sitting on the bus, he feels white, feels proud of himself for being aware of his whiteness, of pondering this fact as he shares the bus with people of color and poor whites. Technically he belongs to the category of poor white--no money in his account, rent way past due; he lives in poverty, but his roots sprung up and reach back to the suburbs. Not poor, just struggling to move on to the next step. He knows he will find success. He expects it; it is expected of him. He is in this world, but not of this world He can turn to scores of white people who will trust him, assist him, believe in him even though he habitually lies and steals. And when he rises economically, socially, personally, will he acknowledge his privilege and the power given to him freely (but at great cost to others) or will he delude himself and us into thinking that anyone on that bus can do the same as he if they just try hard enough? "I was there and I got...

New Hamphisre Sat Originally uploaded by p2son . I think about the things we never say. The longing spilling out of your eyes, the questions that never reach our lips. Firmly strapped into your straight jacket you smile and gird yourself for the day, Keeping busy enough not to think, Fighting off feeling. A lion tamer with whip and chair, beating back the beast as the crowd watches you breathlessly, wishing to believe that the man in the cage feels no fear.

Gay Evangelism Originally uploaded by p2son . Conservatives routinely accuse gay activists of trying to convert young people to homosexuality. It's all part of the diabolical "gay agenda". None of it is true, at least of the dozens of gay activists that I know, none of them want to change anyone's sexual orientation. We hope to change people's attitudes to make the world a safer place for LGBTIQ folks. From having been an Evangelical, Born-Again, Pentacostal, Conservative Christian, I think I understand why the Religious Right slander the queer community. They look at the world through their own world-view. They want to convert the whole world, so they assume the rest of us want to do the same thing. As an Evangelical, I was taught that my highest call was to share the Gospel of Jesus in hopes of leading many to Christ. At school, on the job, in my neighborhood, I was on the prowl to "save souls". My church gave me license to exploit any opp...

Spring View Originally uploaded by p2son . They say it is just the spring. Winter's vice loosened, I felt summer lean tight against My hungry flesh, Lick the back of my neck, Redden my face. Just the spring, and You.

River Bank Cameroon Originally uploaded by p2son . If there is such a thing as a 'collective consciousness,' I envision it as a river with each of us sitting on its banks. We draw from the river of common thoughts, concerns, ideas and opinions, and we pour into it our own contributions. I ask myself, "What am I putting in this river?" Is my contribution wholesome and creative, or am I dumping toxic wastes of racism, anger, lust, unforgivenss and fear? Just like all the chemicals we dump on our pristine suburban lawns, (toxins that then run-off into rivers and the water basin) we can poison the cosmic waterways with negativity. We can also change the world for good. Our thoughts and words and prayers matter, and make a difference.

Malta Man Originally uploaded by p2son . This is the Malta Man. He's part of a billboard that stood outside my hotel window in Yaounde, Cameroon. Big smile, thumbs up. Gee I can use his advice right now. You see, I somehow got a girlfriend in Cameroon, well actually two. Both are named Sabine, or at least one is. Okay, short version: I met Sabine on-line when I searched for people in Cameroon through a pen pal site. Initially we corresponded about her country, the food, climate, basic stuff. Then as my arrival date loomed nearer, the e-mails changed in tone, became more longing with specific requests for cell phones and such. I arrived in Cameroon and decided that I would not see Sabine until the end of the week and invite her to my show. I figured once she saw me prancing about as five different queer characters and heard me announce publicly that I am gay, that that might cool off the love she had for me. She arrived and spoke no English. I speak minimal French. Even so,...

Colorado Morning Originally uploaded by p2son . April 30, 2005: Snow! No, it is is not what I expected. Didn't I get enough snow this year already? Okay, I did escape to tropical locations in Puerto Rico and West Africa, and England earlier this month was a spring time marvel, but still, Colorado is suppose to be the second most sunniest state in the US. Eight days and nothing but clouds, rain and SNOW. Seeing the snow in large clumps on the trees intrigued me. It took days to figure out why. The trees had buds on them. Under the thick cover of snow, deep rose color buds and emerging green leaves pressed on in their relentless march to summer. The snow will not deter them, nor should it deter me.

self portrait CO Originally uploaded by p2son . Some people are more introspective than others, (some of us morbidly and even vainly so) but when I look inwardly, my world begins to make sense or else it gets turned upside down. George Fox wrote, "Just as there is a world outside, there is a world within." I've been looking inwardly lately, forced to by difficult early morning dreams and dreary weather keeping me indoors. Most of what I find does not make much sense yet; perhaps some things never will.

View from Bed Room Originally uploaded by p2son . After 6 weeks of travel, I get to watch the world from my own window. I feel dull, listless, spent. Time to refresh, relax, rekindle the fire.

Activists Originally uploaded by p2son . I just spent nine days in Colorado touring with my show in conjunction with a peaceful protest of Focus on the Family in Colorado Springs. Living in Connecticut (where gay civil union was just legalized) I don't feel the sting of oppression that many queer people experience in the US, but in Colorado the oppression is palpable. Queer people get fired from their jobs just for being gay, (CO is one of 36 states that does not protect gay people on the job) Chester & Dan (in the photo) seemed an unlikely production team for me as I toured, but they set up most of my gigs out of their strong sense of urgency to engage people in dialog about queer issues. Dan's sister, Esther, is also a serious activist. She shared with me The 12 signs of a Facist state I read them and felt the chilling reality come over me. I live in a facist state. Like Franco's Spain, where they killed queer, politically vocal artists like Federico Garci...

On the Road Originally uploaded by p2son . My recent trips have taken me to Upstate NY, Philadelphia and now Denver. Driving to the State University of NY at Oneonta, I stopped to snap this shot of a field with dry hay bales and new grass. The old and the new. The juxtaposition of the two looks lovely here, blending harmonously. This is not always the case though. After a recent performance of my "ex-gay" satire, a man approached me to talk about the show and his life. He reminded me of C.S. Lewis' description of visitors to heaven in his short book "The Great Divorce". The visitors to heaven lack substance. Ghostlike, they tread carefully on the hard grass which literally pokes through their feet. Some are no more than smudges, others spirit-like beings that if they chose to stay in heaven will eventually fill in and become whole. The man who approached me seemed to lack solid wholeness to me. He struggled to mantain eye contact and appeared shrouded...

Emerging Originally uploaded by p2son . Today I seek to center myself. After so much travel, and so much more yet to do, I feel stretched, drained, weary. I seek the balance of rest and reflection along with action. The action part comes easy but the Be Still Know God takes real effort. I pause this morning, breath, wait in silence, wait to emerge from tight, rushed places into an expanse of light.

Priscilla Originally uploaded by p2son . Priscilla and I arrived in Yaounde, Cameroon on the same Air France flight from Paris, and from the moment we properly met in the hotel lobby, we became fast friends and fellow adventurers. Priscilla is one of those people who draws adventures to herself wherever she goes. Her friends in Paris and her native country in the Mauritius Islands listen to her tales dumbfounded. "How do these things always happen to you?!? " Priscilla, intelligent, insightful and magnetic drew attention wherever we went. She defied classification. Was she African? European? Indian? She is her own person who knows her mind and heart well enough to risk going to new worlds knowing full well that her beauty can be as much of a liability as a novelty. Of course adventures always follow me too, and the combination of the two of us together has provided unbelievable stories that will fill many a dinner conversation for several months. Who knows I might e...

London Chapel Originally uploaded by p2son . Saturday night I appeared on the Faith Under Fire opinion talk show on the PAX TV network. The same people who bring you "Xtreme Fakeovers" had ex-gay leader, Alan Chambers and little ole me (as an "Ex-Gay Survivor") discuss the ex-gay movement. No question, I was terrified. "Stick to your story" a Quaker Friend advised. "No one can argue your story" So I told my story, and seeing the show on Saturday I felt amazed at how solid, clear and calm I appeared. For 17 years, as an ex-gay, I never felt that way. Ah, what some Light can do for a weary soul. To read a transcript of the show, visit Ex-Gay Watch--Transcript

Cameroon Cafe Originally uploaded by p2son . "The Look" drew me from across the room. We communicated volumes before we finally spoke. He: It is very warm in here. Me: Yes, it is. He: I am hot; are you hot? Me: Yes, I feel hot. He: The evening is cool, good for a walk. Me: Where can we walk? He: We can go to the river. Me: What is the river like? He: (smile) There is no one by the river.

River in Cameroon Originally uploaded by p2son . Nothing bad happened to me in Cameroon, well, yes, I had some trouble cashing my travellers cheques and I had a little diarrhea thing for a few days, but in spite of the fact that I presented a gay themed play in a decidedly anti-gay country, I met no resistance. In fact, I was treated with respect and genuine warmth. Not that everyone agreed with me, but unlike the citizens of Sodom and Gomorra who sought to take advantage and disrespect their visitors, Cameroonians treated me, the stranger, as an honored guest. The friendliness, the warmth, the embrace surprised me, but then it didn't. It's just like when I travel to Southern states in the US. Friends ask, "Are you scared about going down South? Something bad might happen." No, the only fear I have going South is that I won't be able to get a soy latte (but they even have Starbucks now in Huntsville, Alabama). The concept of treating the stranger as gue...

journey's end Originally uploaded by p2son . Sitting at gate in Paris Airport just wanting to be HOME. Just arrived in Paris on overnight train from Madrid. This trip I presented two of my plays and one original bilingual presentiation. Wow, and what wonderful people. No time to process...must concentrate on getting home which includes an 8 hour flight to JFK then a subway to Port Authority then a bus to Hartford then a taxi unless I can get a friend to pick me up. That would be sweet. More later

At the University of Yaounde, Cameroon Originally uploaded by p2son . Perfect proof that I not only survived my adventure in Cameroon, but prospered from it. Here I am at the university where I presented Queer 101 to a crowd of about 200 students, professors and visitors. Turns out I am the first openly gay man to stand up in Cameroon and share my story. And the response? Amazing. First off most had never seen a one-person play before, so they expressed great enthusiasm as I switched from character to character. I got loads of laughs (it's a comedy so that's a good thing) and great applause. During the short Q&A session, one man labored to ask me if I was gay myself. He seemed uncomfortable asking an even gave me permission to pass if I did not wish to answer. The room grew still and it seemed people leaned forward in their seats as I told them that yes, I am gay and how I wish it were a gay Cameroonian on this stage tonight instead of me, but sadly he or she woul...

cameroon-22 Originally uploaded by p2son . I make no promises about blogging my trip to Cameroon and Europe, but it seems like the right thing to do. I even bought a digital camera for the event. As far as I know, I am the first opening gay perfomer to publically present in Cameroon, West Africa. From what I read, they are overtly homophobic and, according to one journalist I spoke with, it is nothing short of stunning that I have been invited to present my play, "Queer 101". Waiting for my Air France flight to depart to Paris, I feel unease, anticipation and joy. This is my dream life, to travel the world presenting my original work. But travel like this is hard work. You should have seen me trying to decide what to bring. Four nations, three climates, two plays and one ME to carrry all my shit!