Peterson Toscano's A Musing

Well, not that saucy, but I had fun. Adam Monroe of the Roanoke Times interviewed me the other day and ran the story today. Let me know what you think.

I don't know about you, but I need a break and need some levity. Check out Betty Bower's BASH -- Baptist Are Saving Homosexuals. Just visit and enjoy.

Having spent loads of time in various "ex-gay" programs, the majority of the time I sat under the care of former gays--formerly practicing homosexuals. Although lots of gay activist types may not like to hear it, these folks were wonderful to me--witty, compassionate, intelligent and sincere. When I hurt, they comforted me, and they ministered to me out of a heart of love. But I also met another sort of "ex-gay" leader, the Ever Straight . These folks have never ever (no never) engaged in gay sex. Often married, with a history of drug, alcohol or sex addiction, or the product of a divorce where one parent was gay, they hope to straighten us gays out. The difference between the former gays and the ever straights is as palpable as a cup of warm cocoa to a bucket of ice water. The ever straights exude a hardness and maintain a calculated clinical relationship with clients; I never felt safe around them. Now I'm not suggesting that anyone should subject themselve...

The other day I shelled out $8.50 for a really bad Green Tea Martini. It tasted like NightQuil. Lately I've been thinking about my expenses and how my money makes little impact in the world. Sure Starbucks gets plenty from me for those damn venti, no foam, soy steamers , but where can I get the best bang for my buck? Lots of queer dollars go to gay marriage and organizations like Love Makes a Family , which is a very good thing. We see progress with marriage equality-- You go Canada! but much of the queer community and society in general desperately need our dollars (Euros, pesos, yen, or whatever you spend). Queer youth support programs need our help. Throughout the US, Canada and the UK, small mom & mom and pop & pop youth groups and advocacy organizations struggle to stay afloat. They don't seek to recruit or change anyone; they exist to support LGBTQI youth. Here is a list of a few I know personally. I'm sure you know more. Feel free to add them to comment...

Protesting LIA Originally uploaded by p2son . Wow, I feel so honored to have been able to attend the rally today outside of the Love in Action compound. What an amazing crowd assembled of all ages! I met a father with his bisexual teenage daughter, Dr. Arnold Drake, the former national president of PFLAG, old friends (Jenness, Jonathan, Len) and new ones (Alex, Christopher, Michael). I was especially impressed with the integrity of the protest organizers. When a TV camera man jockeyed to get a photo of Zach exiting the program, protesters discouraged him (and even distracted him) from getting the shot. The protesters I spoke with seek to protect Zach and his family's privacy. This is not about focusing on one teen, but on a system of injustice that seeks to target and recruit all queer teens. Absent for the most part were people of color. I see a racial divide when it comes to the "ex-gay" movement. From my experience the majority of people who run these program...

bbq tofu nachos Originally uploaded by p2son . Northerns in the U.S.A. routinely slander the South, believing that Southerners are backwards, dull and bigoted. Actually those characteristics transcend geographical boundries. Having spent a weekend in Memphis with members of the Queer Action Coaltion , as part of the protest of Love in Action's capture of queer teens like blogger Zach , I feel hope for America. Over vegan, BBQ tofu nachos, I met with fellow bloggers E.J. Friedman and Abby , and other progressive minded folks in Memphis. We discussed inequality of all kinds and oppression of trans individuals, people of color, women and those with disabilities. Bright, creative, passionate, Morgan, Jenessa, Cale, Suzie, and the many others I met, grasp a broad picture of the kind of change that needs to happen in the US in order to make this a safe and fair place for all. Whenever I mention to folks back home in Connecticut that I'm heading South for a show, they react...

LIA graduation Originally uploaded by p2son . John Smid and the folks at LIA (& Exodus & Focus on the Family) want to save children from a disastrous life of sin. They see the "gay lifestyle" as a dangerous evil that must be avoided at all costs. They firmly believe this and doggedly stick to their story. Perhaps John Smid has only seen gay people acting-out with destructive, self-abusive behaviors. Perhaps based on his personal history of promiscuity and failed relationships, he assumes it's the same for everyone. Perhaps only those men and woman with severe life-controlling problems (sexual addiction, emotionally dependent relationships, unresolved childhood sexual abuse and depression) show up at the doors of these "change" programs. Last fall, in an e-mail, John Smid asked me to consider how his program helped me. Easy. I arrived at LIA messed up in many ways; I also had same-sex attractions. Through interacting with loving, sincere peop...

Evansville Pride Event Originally uploaded by p2son . I mention in a previous post that I recently bumped into John Smid, director of the "ex-gay" program I attended. With current news reports about and protests of the Smid's Love in Action program for forcing teenagers to attend against their will, I thought I'd share the details of our conversation that took place at the same time, Zach, a 16-year-old boy, alerted friends that he was being put away for being gay. June 2, 2005, Altanta Airport I saw John Smid walking in my direction. He recognized me from my two years in the program. After some chit chat I questioned him about first-hand reports I heard in January about minors in his residential program placed their against their wills. Also I heard they teens attended sessions with adults. Some of these adults have been involved in bestiality and other extreme sexual practices. Smid confirmed that minors attend the program and that although they are somet...

Madrid Street Originally uploaded by p2son . AP News, Burbank, CA. Ellen DeGeneres, once the most visible lesbian on television, without resistance, strapped into a straight jacket to become the hostess of America’s hottest daytime TV program. Okay, so I’m exaggerating. Sure everyone tuning in knows that Ellen is lesbian. The fact creates a wonderful tension when watching her show. Amazing! Middle America LOVES a lesbian—her cute dance moves, chats about Mom and the quirky warmth Ellen exudes. Or do they? Recently when a publicist asked me if I would consider appearing on Ellen’s program, I responded, “I’m too gay for Ellen, and definitely too political.” Ellen, in order to continue to woo America has had to straighten out her act. Once driven from the air for coming OUT , now she wows them on-air everyday. Perhaps she continues to break down walls and “normalize” the queer experience. Maybe, just at the right moment, she will ultimately use her position as one of America’s be...

A Rainy Wedding Originally uploaded by p2son . My friend, Bob, in Colorado Springs has a rainbow-colored umbrella that stands OUT in any crowd on even the darkest days; it's his gay umbrella. The "Ex-Gay" movement has its own Gay Umbrella that it sports in any weather. Conservative Christians and "Ex-Gay" leaders, use the term "gay" broadly. It does not only indicate same-sex attractions. No when they refer to the "gay" lifestyle, they utilize the term to advertise a myriad of issues, dysfunctions and assumptions that they clump together as part of their anti-gay agenda. Some of these include... -promiscuity (they believe the average gay man has over 1000 sexual partners in his life time) -risky sexual behavior -drug and alchohol abusive -pedophilia -sexual addiction -depression -seduction of minors into the "lifestyle" -abusive and emotionally dependent relationships -polygamy (outside of legal marriage of course) -gang r...

Love in Action Originally uploaded by p2son . So goes the arguments from those who oppose same-gender loving people. Polyester and Cool Whip® are not natural either, but do we seek a constitutional amendment banning them? Actually homosexual sexual behavior exists widely in nature-- dolphins , penguins and countless other species regularly practice gay sex. Beyond the sex (which is really the sticky part for conservatives) we have the documented fact that some species form same-sex unions , co-habitating and even adopting young. Homosexuality is a fact of nature. Of course if homosexuality exists in the animal world, converstatives will argue, that we should not live like animals. But maybe we should look to animals for some of our moral codes. Animals rarely kill for sport and never wage war on each other. Even so, for our personal moral codes, I say, let's not look to nature, or books, leaders, government or churches. Rather in careful contemplation, let us look within...

Garden of the Gods Originally uploaded by p2son . I just returned from a strange and wonderful trip to Colorado Springs. Through a series of mechancial breakdowns and plane reshufflings, I ended up sandwiched between a delightful elderly couple, Ken & Sarah, also enroute to Colorado Springs. Turns out, Ken has worked at Focus on the Family for years and is one of James Dobson's friends. They even attended seminary together. For those of you who don't know, Focus on the Family, is one of the number one sources of misinformation and anti-gay rhetoric for the church in America. Dr. James Dobson, the founder and director, routinely tells people that homosexuals are out to recruit children and that we each have thousands of sexual partners. Dobson uses fear and lies to motivate conservatives to oppose homosexuals through legislation and intimidation on school boards and in the church. They also are apparently the biggest funder of the ex-gay movement. After three hours ...

London Cemetery Originally uploaded by p2son . I've been seeing someone. Actually a high school girl. Well, she is about to graduate, but I've been seeing her for three seasons now (She was a Sophomore at Sunnydale HS when she first was introduced) Yeah, I'm in love with Buffy , the vampire slayer. Why does this young, fierce demon warrior appeal to a queer, peace-loving Quaker? No clue. Perhaps I feel drawn to her female superpowers along with her saucy sarcasm. Yes, the show is cheesy. The plots barely hold together. The effects are laughable. But something draws me. I stacked my Netflix queue with Buffy episodes, four to a disc, and I long ago succumbed to watching all four episodes in a single sitting, even if it keeps me up until 2AM. Salmon Rushdie, when he appeared at the CT Forum in Hartford, remarked that the TV sitcom is a unique genre where we live with characters for years and see them develop, grow, change. They become part of our lives. Although I d...

self-portrait pendle hill Originally uploaded by p2son . Some people believe in guardian angels, or that Jesus looks down from on high to cast a protective gaze over us. Some think that ancestors from beyond the grave, keep their eyes on us (which sounds morbid to me). But maybe we look over ourselves. Maybe we travel back in time to when we were children, --broken, lost, confused, abused, disillusioned and we visit our former selves, walk the twisted paths that mishaped us, to find our wandering child, then we sweep down in angelic mercy (or fury) drive back the darkness, embrace that child, feel the pain, share the load, weep the dirt out of the wounds, and create a new reality.

Madrid Bus Originally uploaded by p2son . Sitting on the bus, he feels white, feels proud of himself for being aware of his whiteness, of pondering this fact as he shares the bus with people of color and poor whites. Technically he belongs to the category of poor white--no money in his account, rent way past due; he lives in poverty, but his roots sprung up and reach back to the suburbs. Not poor, just struggling to move on to the next step. He knows he will find success. He expects it; it is expected of him. He is in this world, but not of this world He can turn to scores of white people who will trust him, assist him, believe in him even though he habitually lies and steals. And when he rises economically, socially, personally, will he acknowledge his privilege and the power given to him freely (but at great cost to others) or will he delude himself and us into thinking that anyone on that bus can do the same as he if they just try hard enough? "I was there and I got...

New Hamphisre Sat Originally uploaded by p2son . I think about the things we never say. The longing spilling out of your eyes, the questions that never reach our lips. Firmly strapped into your straight jacket you smile and gird yourself for the day, Keeping busy enough not to think, Fighting off feeling. A lion tamer with whip and chair, beating back the beast as the crowd watches you breathlessly, wishing to believe that the man in the cage feels no fear.

Gay Evangelism Originally uploaded by p2son . Conservatives routinely accuse gay activists of trying to convert young people to homosexuality. It's all part of the diabolical "gay agenda". None of it is true, at least of the dozens of gay activists that I know, none of them want to change anyone's sexual orientation. We hope to change people's attitudes to make the world a safer place for LGBTIQ folks. From having been an Evangelical, Born-Again, Pentacostal, Conservative Christian, I think I understand why the Religious Right slander the queer community. They look at the world through their own world-view. They want to convert the whole world, so they assume the rest of us want to do the same thing. As an Evangelical, I was taught that my highest call was to share the Gospel of Jesus in hopes of leading many to Christ. At school, on the job, in my neighborhood, I was on the prowl to "save souls". My church gave me license to exploit any opp...

Spring View Originally uploaded by p2son . They say it is just the spring. Winter's vice loosened, I felt summer lean tight against My hungry flesh, Lick the back of my neck, Redden my face. Just the spring, and You.

River Bank Cameroon Originally uploaded by p2son . If there is such a thing as a 'collective consciousness,' I envision it as a river with each of us sitting on its banks. We draw from the river of common thoughts, concerns, ideas and opinions, and we pour into it our own contributions. I ask myself, "What am I putting in this river?" Is my contribution wholesome and creative, or am I dumping toxic wastes of racism, anger, lust, unforgivenss and fear? Just like all the chemicals we dump on our pristine suburban lawns, (toxins that then run-off into rivers and the water basin) we can poison the cosmic waterways with negativity. We can also change the world for good. Our thoughts and words and prayers matter, and make a difference.

Malta Man Originally uploaded by p2son . This is the Malta Man. He's part of a billboard that stood outside my hotel window in Yaounde, Cameroon. Big smile, thumbs up. Gee I can use his advice right now. You see, I somehow got a girlfriend in Cameroon, well actually two. Both are named Sabine, or at least one is. Okay, short version: I met Sabine on-line when I searched for people in Cameroon through a pen pal site. Initially we corresponded about her country, the food, climate, basic stuff. Then as my arrival date loomed nearer, the e-mails changed in tone, became more longing with specific requests for cell phones and such. I arrived in Cameroon and decided that I would not see Sabine until the end of the week and invite her to my show. I figured once she saw me prancing about as five different queer characters and heard me announce publicly that I am gay, that that might cool off the love she had for me. She arrived and spoke no English. I speak minimal French. Even so,...