Peterson Toscano's A Musing

I previously posted Susanne's e-mail response to my post What About the Spouse? Another woman left a moving comment about her own ordeal of being married to a man only to find out that he has been attracted to other men and lived a double life during years of marriage. I copied her words below (with paragraph breaks). Peterson, I would like to comment, since I am the wife (married for over 17 years) to a man who I found out a year ago.....is gay. This guy was the love of my life. I "saved" myself for him. I was faithful to him. Even when our sex-life was extremely lacking and I felt unloved by him, I was in it for the long haul, and never cheated on him. We have young children. Today, we are separated and headed toward divorce. It is like a bad dream on one hand, and pure relief on the other hand. Bad dream - well, that's obvious. Pure relief.....well, that is because I finally know it wasn't ME! That whole time I felt responsible (i.e. not pretty enough for him...

Quiet day with reading, writing and strolls around town. Had an excellent soy cappuccino at my favorite cafe. I read some of Audre Lordes' Zami--A New Spelling of my Name (A Biomythography) To whom do I owe the power behind my voice, what strength I have become, yeasting up like sudden blood from under the bruised skin's blister?

As if it couldn't get any more beautiful, I traveled to Pitlochry for a hill walk up Ben Vrackie (about 7 miles round trip). Great walk with a mixture shaded woods, sunny moors loaded with heather and barren icy hills at the very top. After the descent I had a wonderful local ale in front of a roaring fire at the Moulin Inn . (click on photos for a larger view)

Really it was more of a walk. I broke in my new boots and gaiters with a nice three mile hike along the River Earn on Lady Mary's Walk (although some of it was flooded) and then up the hill leading to the highlands. About three miles and one rainbow and about 175 sheep (not pictured to maintain their privacy). After lunch I found the library in Crieff where I am staying and read some poetry ( Dylan Thomas , from Wales and some Robert Burns from here in Scotland). Soon I will settle down to my favorite meal--Beans on Toasts. Yummy.

I spent the day in the city of Perth where I had a bowl of wonderful Italian bean soup then went to a concert with cello and harpsichord. Oh and I bought hiking boots and gaiters so that I can go out on the hills tomorrow. Nice weather today, clear with blue sky.

A photo from my first day in Scotland. Taken in Edinburgh of the Scott Memorial along with Christmas carnival rides.

When a person stands in front of a congregation and proclaims, God saved me from homosexuality! The congregation assumes that the person no longer has any same-sex attractions, has been transformed, the old is gone behold all things have been made new. But what the person is almost always really saying is, I no longer identify as gay or engage in same-gender sexual activities, and if I do, I immediately repent and get back on that ex-gay pony And in order for us to survive in our anti-gay churches, we had to resort to this sort of deception.

The claim that gay people can change has become a war cry in the ex-gay movement. As evidence that people with same-sex attractions MUST change, Exodus and anti-gay Christian leaders prop up folks who apparently used to be gay and now are no longer. Even if people with same-sex attractions can "change" and find that their attractions diminish or go away all together, (which I highly doubt), the question is why ? Why do people seek change? Does it come from a healthy sense of self seeking to be whole or is it more a matter of needing to feel okay, normal? Who says we have to change? Just because someone claims they have changed doesn't mean it is necessary or right. The evidence of change is no moral mandate that I need to change. Lots of people conform to the norm for all sorts of unhealthy reasons. Christian folks with same-sex attractions need to seek God for God's will for our lives. Not man's will or heterosexual man's prejudiced view of what is normal. Fo...

Image by Willie Hewes , Mr Dionit Otis, main character from White Saints Day, wearing a ribbon

Last night I performed at Ramapo College in New Jersey. GREAT turn out including a large contingent of guys from a fraternity. This particular fraternity has a relationship with the very progressive women's center. Mandy from the women's center expertly developed this contact. Very cool. After the show a bunch of us grabbed a bite at a dinner (NJ is famous for it many diners). To my great pleasure they served sweet potato fries. I not only had these with my veggie wrap, but had an order for desert. :-) We had fun talking and even Marvin showed up! (He is doing fine and looks good) I met and remet lovely folks I hope to see again soon. (Hey Kerry and Maya! and the rest of the gang--Chris, Will, gosh so many) I also met up with Susanne, who recently contributed to my blog with My Gay Husband--A Spouse Speaks Out . In the hotel lobby we spoke until 1:00 AM about gay husbands, straight spouses and her story in particular. One of the greatest gifts we can give each other is our atte...

Earlier this year with the help of a lesbian Friend of mine from Colombia, we started a Spanish language blog, Dos Equis . Dos cristianos escriben sobre su fe y sus deseos homosexuales (Two Christians write about their faith and their same-sex desires). There are very few Spanish resources for gay Christians. Unlike my English language blog, the vast majority of people who find Dos Equis do so through a Google search. What repeatedly shocks me is the recurring theme in the search phrases people use, searches that I rarely see in English. In the last 100 visitors, they used the following phrases in their searches: como identificar a un homosexual (how to identify a homosexual) como saber si mi esposo es homosexual (how to know if my spouse is homosexual) esposa lesbiana (lesbian wife) como se si mi pareja es homosexual (how to know if my partner is homosexual) como saber si tu pareja es gay (how to know if your partner is gay) como identificar a un hombre homosexual (how to identif...

This LA Times news story cheered me. The soon to be president of Pat Robertson's Christian Coalition stepped down over a differences with the organization's focus. Joel C. Hunter wanted to move away from the over-emphasis on gay marriage and abortion and broaden the focus to environmental issues and poverty. The Rev. Joel C. Hunter, who was scheduled to become president of the coalition Jan. 1, said his departure was sparked by "just a basic philosophical difference …. I saw an opportunity to really broaden the conversation and broaden the constituency. I'm really over this whole polarization thing." "I think the board just got scared," said Hunter, senior pastor of a mega-church in central Florida and the author of "Right Wing, Wrong Bird: Why the Tactics of the Religious Right Won't Fly With Most Conservative Christians." Roberta Combs, who is the incumbent president of the coalition and presides over its board, said that the board of di...

Since I will not provide you with my sparkling wit and crystal clear profound insight into furries and horror movies and vegetable yeast paste products for the next month, I thought that in addition to the many fine links I already have listed, I'd share with you some blogs and sites you might like. Of course leave comments with some of your own suggestions. Christ, the Martyr Stuffed Animal's blogsite of enlightenment for God's beloved lesbian and gay children Vegan Porn News and Information for Vegans who get it (Note: there is no actual porn on this site) The Buffy and Angel Trivia Guide The site contains thousands of pieces of Buffy the Vampire Slayer-related trivia, organised into various categories and sub-categories, and fully inter-linked Black Looks Four women from around the world writing about culture, politics, feminism, Africa and more Big Closet A friendly place to read, write and discuss transgender fiction The Quaker Agitator A convinced Quaker, a husband...

I have my last US show tomorrow night at Ramapo College in Mahwah, NJ, then on Saturday I fly out to Scotland where I will be until January 10, 2007. I don't have any shows set up for this tour, just a few meetings with various groups and individuals. The purpose of this trip is mostly pleasure with lots of quiet work mixed in. I have loads of writing I want to do, I wish to see about getting some of Marvin's posts put together on a CD or even a podcast, and I need to prepare for a very busy 2007. Therefore, I may not blog so much. In fact, I am considering limiting my on-line time significantly (shudder) so that I can get other things done and I can relax. I think I might post a photo a day though, but no promises. If I don't visit your blog or respond to an e-mail during this time, please don't take it personally. It is time for me to regroup, refresh and renew. Happy, Merry, Joyous Whatever!

Tom Murray sent me a link to the AfterElton.com article Gay People of Faith Come Out of the Closet . Gay Christians, lesbian Muslims, queer Jews and bisexual Buddhists have always been here. But now, gay people of faith are finally stepping out of the shadows and into the media spotlight. --SNIP-- These new images of religious gays — in film, TV, books, press coverage and on the Web — give a more nuanced depiction of GLBT people as well as faith. Many demonstrate, like Stranger at the Gate , the destructive conflict between religious doctrine and sexual desire. But more and more, these images are becoming unshackled from past bigotries, showing gay people how to accept love and faith, and find their own spiritual journey. The article goes on to discuss various films including Murray's Fish Can't Fly .

You know there is a Jesus out there for everyone. In addition to the traditional Anglo-Saxon Jesus, we can now see a film about a Black Jesus . I particularly like Chinese images of Jesus and the Jesus Buddha . We tend to create God in our own image or at one in which we can relate. While leaving a comment on Jay's blog , I got to thinking about Jesus as Furry. Some of you may know of people who refer to themselves as furries. According to Wikipedia , Furry fandom is an artistic and literary genre related to the hybridization of humans and (other) animals, combining traits and characteristics, specifically in cartoons and comics. I am no expert here, but some Furries even dress up as animals and interact at social gatherings and conventions . They also draw fan fiction and develop on-line identities and relationships. Because of a now infamous CSI episode where they portrayed Furries as sex crazed men and women dress as animal killers, they have gotten a bad rap. One of my forme...

Regular visitor and one of Marvin's favorite targets , Willie Hewes was accused of pushing the gay agenda through her comics . Of course this is nothing new for Willie who created the moving Free Z comic. Of course Bruce Garrett blatantly pushes the agenda as seen with the release of part eight of his Coming Out Story.

Exodus' bold attempts to target youth remind me of a horror movie I saw during my teens. Daniel at Ex-Gay Watch reports that ex-gay leaders Alan Chambers & Scott Davis will speak next summer at the Ignite Student Outreach camp. Speaking of Alan Ignite's site boasts that, He offers unique insight into how homosexuality personally affects individuals and the broader culture. Alan will share advice and training with youth workers at camp to teach them how to address this epidemic issue . Going to bed with that story on my mind, I woke up repeatedly. By morning I remembered the details of Sleepaway Camp , the scariest and most shocking movie I had ever seen, particularly as a young queer kid. Plot summary of the 1983 film Sleepaway Camp : After a horrible boating accident kills her family, Angela, a shy and sullen young girl, moves in with her eccentric aunt Martha, alongside her protective cousin Ricky. One summer, Martha sends the kids to Camp Arawak. Soon after their ar...

By now many folks know about the anti-Black reports spewed by the American comic actor, Michael Richards , AKA Seinfeld's Kramer. In response to being heckled at a comedy club by some Black patrons, Richards unloaded anti-Black remarks from the stage for over two minutes. One patron captured it on video . (Those pesky new fangled phones!) Richards quickly hired a crisis management expert , and went out of his way to assert that he is no racist, even appearing on Jesse Jackson's radio program to explain that as a child some of his best friends were black. (I am not joking). Lots of white folks have warily come to his defense, and an "discussion" has begun on the airwaves as to whether Richards is racist or just his remarks. Some promise that good will come of all this. I have heard almost nothing about this issue from the LGBT media/bloggers and from Christian folks, (Oh, other than a piece in the Christian Post where they highlight a Black minister who blames Black ...

My society conditioned me. As soon aa a proud mother or father hands over their new born baby for me to hold, I reflexively demand, What is it? As if the sex of the child will change the way I hold her or him or them. Perhaps it is a basic human need to determine the sex of another or simply a bad societal habit we've developed? I do the same thing with adults. Just the other day with my niece, an androgynous looking person passed us, and I immediately turned to my niece, Was that a guy or a girl? Why do I need to know? I don't even have a relationship with the person. Just a stranger passing by. Wanna read more? Alex writes a post entitled Male Mumble in which he reflects on terms he can use to describe non-trans men. So what to call them? The male ones that never did any changing? Birth-males? But I have known forever that I wanted to be a boy and research tells us the transconfusion probably comes long before we are born. So transdudes are birth-males as well. XY-men? Wel...