Peterson Toscano's A Musing

After a few weeks of barely leaving the house except for social reasons, I head out today by train to Philadelphia for the beginning of travel that will bring me to Washington, DC, Baltimore, MD and Vancouver, BC (that's in Canada). After that I am off to Nashville, TN, Denver, CO, Boulder, CO, Colorado Springs, CO and Seattle, WA. You can see my full schedule here . This weekend I will be in Glen Mills, PA at Imago Dei Metropolitan Community Church about 15 miles out of Philadelphia. Tonight (Fri) I will perform Queer 101—Now I Know My gAy,B,Cs , a play that looks at homophobia, identity and activism through the words and lives of lesbian and gay poets. I last performed this piece in April at Manchester Community College. In it I get to perform my FAVORITE scene of any of have written, the fantasy date between Chad and Federico Garcia Lorca. (Which you can see here .) Tomorrow (Sat) I will present Transfigurations—Transgressing Gender in the Bible . This play is probably the harde...

Since coming back out of the closet (ex-ex-gay) in April, Marvin Bloom, a devout Jew for Jesus, has been making the rounds at various podcasts. His gay-friendly rants have been heard on Spanking Bee Arthur , The Flatus Show and more than once on Joe G's Bored Beyond Belief . Currently you can hear Marvin on Episode 81 of Mila and Jayna's Trans-ponder . In fact, you will also get to hear me too since in his new segment, Moments with Marvin, he interviews me. In other news, I have a boyfriend, and he is not Marvin.

So much good stuff out there that has come to my inbox recently. Candace Chellew-Hodge, the creator of Whosoever.org , has a new book out, Bulletproof—A Spiritual Survival Guide for Gay & Lesbian Christians . You can hear a public reading here . Check out what Desmond Tutu has to say about the book. Gay and lesbian Christians are constantly demoralized and told they are not children of God. In Bulletproof Faith , Chellew-Hodge reassures gays and lesbians that God loves them just as they were created and teaches them how to stand strong, with compassion and gentleness, against those who condemn them. -Archbishop Emeritus Desmond Tutu Allyson Robinson gets quoted in a great piece that appeared in yesterday's Washington Post, Ruling Inspires New Hope for Transgender People . But for transgender women such as Robinson, the County Council's passage of the law was a key reason she chose to live in Montgomery when she moved to the area this year from Texas to take a job at the H...

I adore Bitch Magazine , which provides a feminist approach to pop culture. I've been a subscriber for the past two years and never fail to learn something each issue. Well written, funny, insightful and at times outrageous, Bitch provides an excellent resource for creatively exploring women's issues, gender and the media. In the current edition, Loud , they offer a bunch of great topics including an article about women in comedy, the untold story of the beauty secrets the cosmetic companies don't want you to know, and a piece about New Jersey 4 with the injustices faced by a group of young lesbians of color who responded to a hate crime against them and ended up incarcerated . Bitch serves a well needed purpose and speaks directly to the inconsistencies and injustices that women face. I received a call tonight from the Bitch offices. They need money to keep the magazine afloat. If you want to receive an excellent magazine and help out a worthy cause, visit the Bitch sit...

My religious trajectory began in the Roman Catholic Church and landed me in many of the Christian religious movements of the past 30 years. At age 17 I left Our Lady of the Lake Catholic Church in Lake Huntington, NY with its tinny sounding organ and hymns sung in impossible keys through the noses of old ladies, and I began to attend Gospel Tabernacle , a fundamentalist Bible Church in Honesdale, PA. This church encouraged their youth to attend Word of Life Bible Institute and Bob Jones University (Also known as BJU). After I graduated from high school, I opted for what my pastor considered a liberal institution, Nyack College , a Christian and Missionary Alliance school. While there I attended an independent Evangelical church in nearby New Jersey. They talked about grace and provided gourmet coffee in the Fellowship Hall after service. Following a stint with the Evangelical mission HCJB in Quito, Ecuador, I moved to New York City where with hands raised and feet stomping I jumped...

Over at the FAQ page of Beyond Ex-Gay we have the question, What is an Ex-Gay Experience? with the answer: It can be as simple as gay guys trying their hand at football and lesbians sitting in on a Mary Kay Makeup makeover to something as serious and severe as electroshock therapy. The idea is to find change from unwanted same-sex desires and gender differences. In some cases the experience is religious-based, but not always. It can also be done within a group, in one-on-one sessions or solo. An ex-gay experience seeks to change desire, behavior and/or gender presentation. People have tried multiple methods including counseling (with a trained counselor or pastoral counseling with a minister) attendance in an ex-gay support group or a residential program dating (or marrying) someone of the opposite sex in hopes of experiencing change in desire dressing and acting according to the gender normative standards in one’s society reading books and narratives by people who say ...

Hello, my name is Vlad. I have been in this Homo No Mo Halfway House for 27 days. Here in Homo No Mo Halfway House we have five phases, we do 12 Steps and there are approximately 275 rules. First I tell you about the phases. When we move from phase to phase, this is called a “Phase Bump,” and technically only the staff is allowed to bump you. -Excerpt from Doin' Time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House At the Love in Action residential program that I attended for two years the staff led participants through a game know as The Five Phases and The 12 Steps . Participants preoccupied themselves with moving up (and down) artificial gradations like a twisted version of Chutes and Ladders . In Phase One the staff forced participants to look at themselves in order to acknowledge they had a problem, in fact that we were a problem— sinful, addicted, and broken. In Phase Two the focus turned to God, the ultimate perfection and means of escape. Phase Three turned the spotlight on the family wh...

Christine Bakke works as a graphic designer. You can see her fine work at Beyond Ex-Gay and especially on the ex-gay survivor collage page . She recently updated my promo card which she originally designed in 2006. You will see that Homo No Mo is no more, well, at least the play is retired (but is available on DVD and will soon be performed live by another queer solo artist!) Instead I now offer a talk about the ex-gay movement: Homo No Mo?!? Orientation, Gender and the Ex-Gay Movement—A Lively Lecture with Performance. You can see my performance schedule here . Later this month I will perform three of my plays and lead a few workshops that will take me to Baltimore, MD, Washington, DC, Wethersfield, CT and Glen Mills, PA. Click on images for larger view. Christine, great work!

When I sleep, I have cinematic dreams. They can be sweeping epics, romantic comedies, sci-fi flicks or even sitcoms. Often I find them entertaining, rarely scary, occasionally erotic, and typically not helpful in understanding my inner world. This morning I awoke to a dream that must have been intended for someone else. In it a Cortney Cox looking character comforts a Jennifer Aniston looking character. I think there was a man involved in "Jennifer's" distress, but I lost this detail as "Cortney" crawled into the front seat of a car with "Jennifer." They were gently lit as it was nighttime. I mostly saw their faces in a warm glow. They leaned up against each other cheek to cheek. "Jennifer" wept softly as "Cortney" wiped away tears. And BAM! The next thing you know they are making out. I awoke and cursed filmmaker David Lynch . I know this has something to do with Mulholland Drive , his 2001 bizarre mystery thriller replete with go...

Chris Paige from TransFaith Online sent the following message this week. This week is National Suicide Prevention Week, with World Suicide Prevention Day landing on September 10. In honor of the occasion, TransFaith Online has launched new InterSections on Suicide and Depression . Please spread the word! The Transgender community faces incredible stigma and isolation. Transgender people, when faced with depression, are too often unsure where to turn for support. Fearing judgement from family, from friends, and from mental health providers, transgender people may not get the help that we need to manage depression. And untreated depression is the number one cause of suicide. Suicide is yet another area where research and statistics are scarce. Studies generally report a pre-transition suicide attempt rate of 20% or more, with MTFs relatively more likely to attempt suicide than FTMs. But some studies indicate that the rate of attempted suicide for transgender youth is higher than ...

It's been on the blogs all weekend, and now the Associated Press also reports that Sarah Palin, the Republican vice president nominee, attends a church that promotes ex-gay ministries, namely Focus on the Family's Love Won Out day-long conference that tries to convince parents and pastors that God can "transform the lives of those impacted by homosexuality." What they don't mention is the kind of transformation that will take place. Those of us who are former consumers of Focus on the Family/Exodus/NARTH ex-gay theories and practices can attest to the transformations that we experienced as a result of our time in ex-gay programs. The vast majority of people who attempted to sublimate their sexuality did not find a cure, instead we experienced a curse that affected us psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, developmentally, physically and relationally. In the article Ex-Gay Harm Let Me Count the Ways I highlight some of these and also offer tes...

I'm sitting on my front porch at my house. It's suddenly crazy humid and I'm living AC free this summer. I live on a one-way street and someone just zipped along driving in the wrong direction. Wait, she's getting out. She's walking towards me. Hold on... Okay, that was weird. She comes right up to me and introduces herself and starts chatting. I'm like, okay. She tells me all kinds of personal info about her child and the child's husband and then asks, "So are you going to give me a tour of the place?" I'm like, "Wait, What?" Turns out she is here to see the downstairs apartment (I live in an old Victorian house and the first floor is for rent). By the way, my landlord loves me because I am never home which saves him a ton of money since utilities are included in my rent. So yeah, feeling very much at home these days never wanting to leave again, well at least until next week. The fall schedule has really come together nicely with p...

Today I leave Seattle and spend a long day traveling home to Hartford. Because of Gustav, the conference I had hoped to attend in New Orleans got canceled. :-( The upside is I now get 10 uninterrupted days at home. This has not happened since March. I cannot begin to write about how special I found the Gender Odyssey Conference . Gender Odyssey is an international conference focused on the thoughtful exploration of gender. We strive to create an empowering environment where people of all genders can share their experiences and learn from the experiences of others. Through dialogue, peer-led presentations, and sharing skills and expertise, we work to create broader and evolving language, social support, and life pathways that support all gender identities. By doing so, we hope to strengthen ourselves and develop communities that celebrate all expressions of gender at any age. I met so m...

After a whirlwind adventure in Washington, DC, which included a heated toilet seat with special cleansing superpowers, I landed in Seattle, Washington with a full blown case of the cold. Fortunately I had a full two days with nothing to do but indulge in a NyQuil induced coma. I emerged 48 hours later c0ld-free but muddy in the head. One stiff cup of a Seattle soy latte cleared away the funk and gave me liquid courage to explore the city. The Gender Odyssey Conference began today with registration and meet & greet. I saw Katie, partner to Paige, so I didn't feel so all alone and awkward. Tomorrow I will attend a few different workshops including, one on being Genderqueer and another on Class, poverty and the trans community. I will leave the conference right after lunch to head two hours north to Blaine, Washington near the Canadian border where I will perform at a music festival (well with some comedy thrown in). With Tropical Storm Gustav threatening to slam into the Gulf Co...

Nearly every day straight women visit my blog after putting in a search like, "my husband is gay" or something similar. In November of 2006 Susanne shared some of her story and since then other women (and men) have also read about Susanne's marriage and her gay husband. These have also shared some of their own stories. Earlier a woman left the following comment. Betrayal by my husband of 28 years is devastating. He hid his gay life for years... He lied over and over and over. And put my health/life at risk. I am hurt to the core and don't know how to get through this and ever trust and love again... How do you get over the feelings of hurt, rage, anger, sorrow, inadequacy, disgust, sadness, etc.? Please feel free to go to the blog entry and add your own supportive comments, words of comfort and maybe share some of your own experience as a straight spouse or just someone who cares. Often when these women first find out, they struggle to share with anyone in their l...

On Monday I begin a three city tour of my new play, a one-person, multi-character, multi-gender play, Transfigurations — Transgressing Gender in the Bible , which explores the lives of transgender Bible characters. On Tuesday August 26, 2008 I will present the play at the headquarters of the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) 1640 Rhode Island Ave, Washington, DC. An hors d’oeuvres reception begins at 5:30 PM with the performance starting at 6:00 pm. On Wednesday I fly to Seattle, Washington for the Gender Odyssey Conference where I will mostly soak in the many amazing workshops, but I will also offer Transfigurations as a workshop on Sunday afternoon. Then I fly to New Orleans to take part in the Many Stories One Voice Conference . In addition to performing Transfigurations, I will also attend and present at For Such a Time as This: A Transgender Pre-Event. The last time I presented the play was earlier in the summer in Malta. The response there surprised me with many people telling me how...

Doin' it meaning worship that is. As many of you know I am a member of the Religious Society of Friends (aka Quakers). I came to the Quakers as a refugee after a religious odyssey that took me from Roman Catholicism to Fundamentalism to Evangelicalism to Pentecostalism to Anglicanism and ultimately (or penultimately?) to Quakerism. A long and winding road indeed. I do not regret any of the stops I made although some proved more useful than others. For me the Quaker way provides something other than a belief structure. We don't have any established creeds to which we ascribe or affirm. Each Quaker has his or her own beliefs, but we do hold onto values that we have grown to cherish through the years (peace, integrity, simplicity, etc). It has also proved to be a healthy environment for me as a person who is gay. But if you want to see a Quaker sputter a bit, ask the Friend, "So what do Quakers believe?" It's kind of like asking vegans, "So what kind of meat do...

I warn you that none of this may make sense. (But I do have a butt/bum joke embedded in my little sermon below) I've been reading the words of Jesus a lot lately (at least those recorded in five different Gospels--Matthew, Mark, Luke, John and Thomas) in the shocking and lovely book Good As New: A Radical Retelling of the Scriptures . My reading mixed with conversations with folks in Malta on Guernsey and England has gotten me to think in a new direction (well new for me). For weeks I have reflected and spoke about the miracle of the loaves and the fishes. ( Auntie Doris heard this one over and over and over again) Here is one version of the story in Mark 8:1-10 (form Good as New version.) It was during this visit abroad that Jesus again found himself with a large crowd of hungry people. Jesus called his friends together and said, "I'm concerned about all these people who've been with me for three days and haven't eaten. If I send them away hungry some may collap...

Recently in Frostburg, MD on an excursion to Mainstreet Books , one of the finest independent bookstores I've been to for some time, a poet who accompanied me slipped a copy of The Collected Poems of Constantine Cavafy , a new translation by Aliki Barnstone (read review here ). Cavafy, the 20th Century Greek writer, who lived unashamedly with his gay side (well openly for the most part), always drew me since I read his poem Ithaka for a college course on Odysseus. ( Hear it read in English by Sean Connery or in the original Greek from the movie about Cavafy.) Reading this new fresh translation, I had to buy the book. This poem tells my story in a way that has eluded me for over a decade. (try reading it aloud) Meaning by C.P. Cavafy The years of my youth, my sensual life-- how clearly I see their meaning now. What needless repentances, how futile... But I didn't see the meaning then. Out of the dissolute life of my youth my poetry's aims grew. my art's realm was dr...

The program leaders at Love in Action (LIA) and in all the other ex-gay programs I attended (along with the counselors I saw and authors of the ex-gay books I read) believed in a development model leading to homosexual desire and activity. Although each ex-gay therapist or minister used different and methods often contrary to each other, they universally agreed that boys became gay because of an "overbearing mother and an emotionally or physically absent dad." In addition, they taught that sexual abuse contributed to same-sex attractions. In LIA and elsewhere, the leadership made us create a mythology about ourselves based on the developmental template they placed before us. By mixing psycho-babble, scripture, and language from the AA 12-Step program, they constantly reinforced their authority over us. When any of us questioned the template they provided by stating our lives did not fit it, they insisted that we needed to look more deeply. They warned us, that as "addic...